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by Seung Cho
Cast of Characters
Richard McBeef . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . Step-father, 40
Sue . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . Mother, 40
John . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . Son, 13
Setting
Living room, basement, car.
ACT ONE
SCENE 1
(It is morning. The sun is shining through the windows of
the kitchen. John enters the kitchen, grabs a cereal bar, and opens it.
Richard McBeef is sitting in the kitchen with his legs crossed reading
the newspaper.)
RICHARD: Hey, John. (He forces a smile at him.)
JOHN: What's up, Dick! (He frowns.)
RICHARD: Try dad.
JOHN: You ain't my dad and you know it, you Dick. (John
chews on the cereal bar angrily.)
RICHARD: Come on, John. Sit down. We need to have
man-to-man talk. (Richard pulls a chair next to him from under the
table.)
JOHN: Man-to-man up your ass, bud! (John sneers then
proceeds to the living room and turns on the TV. Richard follows him,
sits down, and faces him.)
RICHARD: I may not be your biological father, but I'm your
new father. We live under the same roof. We really need to get along.
Come on, son, give me a chance. (Richard gently rests his hand on John's
lap.)
JOHN: What the hell are you doing! (John slaps Richard's
hand.) What are you, a Catholic priest! I will not be molested by an
aging balding overweight pedophilic stepdad named Dick! Get your hands
off me you sicko! Damn you, you Catholic priest. Just stop it, Michael
Jackson. Let me guess, you have a pet named Dick in Neverland ranch and
you want me to go with you to pet him, right?
RICHARD: (He signs and ignores the comment.) What is it you
want from me, what do you want me to do? Why are you so angry at me --
JOHN: Why am I so angry at you! Because you murdered my
father so you can get into my mom's pant! --
RICHARD: Now hold on right there mister. It was a boating
accident. I did everything I could to try to save your father.
JOHN: Bullshit! Are you always full of shit, McBeef? I can
see that you are by the extra fat you have packed on! You MURDERED my
father and covered it up! You committed a conspiracy. Just like what the
government has done to John Lennon and Marilyn Monroe.
RICHARD: WHAT? WHAT? (Frowning, he catches a glimpse of an
old tabloid titled "The Cover-up of Marilyn Monroe and John Lennon!!")
JOHN: You once worked for the government. As a janitor, at
least. You hated the fact that my mom was with my dad. You knew my mom
was too good for my father. So you took him out and stole her, you son
of a bitch!
RICHARD: St-
JOHN: No, Dick! You shut the hell up and listen to me.
RICHARD: You --
JOHN: Me what! You want me to stick this remote control up
your ass, buddy! You ain't even worth it man. This remote was five
bucks. You are such a --
RICHARD: NOW THAT'S ENOUGH. (Richard raises his hand to
strike his stepson, but before he does, John's mom comes down the
stairs.)
SUE: Oh my god! What's going on? (She covers and hugs John
and ushers him to the other end of the couch.) What are you doing to my
son! You said you would have a nice chat to get on terms with him. And
this is what I catch you do! What kind of step-father are you?
Pretending to be nice to him with a fake smile on your chubby face!
Tell me, what were you trying to do to him. You were about to hit
him! Damn you, Richard!
RICHARD: He was --
SUE: I don't want to hear it! (Sue tells John to go
up to his room. But he observes the spectacle half way up the
staircase.)
RICHARD: I swear Sue! I tried talking to him.
He called me a son of a bit--
SUE: How dare you! John would never -- NEVER --
say such a thing, my poor little pooey pooey boy! He lost his
father just a month ago. Show some compassion! Some
stepfather!
JOHN: He tried to touch my privates!
SUE: (She gasps.) Holy shit! Oops.
Sorry John. Dick, You son of a b-- (She peeks at John. She
approaches Richard and slaps Richard in the head multiple times.
Taking off her shoes, she hits him hard.)
RICHARD: (He brushes Sue with his large arm and
build.) Sue Sue Sue. Listen to me!
SUE: (The manner and girth frightens her.) Oh
my god! What are you trying to do! Are you gonna hit me too!
(She cowers and runs into the kitchen. She grabs the first thing
she can which is a plate.) Stay back! Stay back! Or
I'll ... (She throws the plate, shattering squarely on his
forehead. But he is unmoved.) You fat piece of pork!
John! Go to your room and lock it! (She runs down the
basement.) Are you a bisexual psycho rapist murderer! Please
stop following me. Don't kill me! (She throws wrenches and
pipes lying on the ground at him, but he is unhurt.)
RICHARD: I didn't even do anything. Okay.
I'll stop following you. (He stops with his hands in the air.
He kneels. She throws a few more heavy objects at him.) Let
me explain! John is a rambunctious pubescent boy!
SUE: Oh my god! You are a pedophile!
RICHARD: No! No ... Honey-poo.
SUE: Honey-poo?
RICHARD: Honey-poo. Don't you believe me?
John is just a mischievous kid who having trouble getting over his
father's death. He'll get over it. He just needs time.
SUE: Really?
RICHARD: Yes. Now, why don't we go to the
bedroom and do it doggy style, just the way you like it, honey-poo.
JOHN: (In his room, he smiles and throws darts on the
target that is the face of Richard.) I hate him. Must
kill Dick. Must kill Dick. Dick must die. Kill Dick
... Richard McBeef. What kind of name is that? What an
asshole name. I don't like it. And look at his face.
What an asshole face. I don't like his face at all. You
don't think I can kill you, Dick? You don't think I can kill you?
Gotcha. Got one eye ... Got the other eye. (He runs down to
the basement by his mother's side.) That fat man murdered dad.
He told me so while you were asleep, mom. And he molested me.
SUE: What! Ahh! (She grabs a chainsaw and
brandishes it at Richard. He runs out of the house and into
his car. Thirty minutes later John goes out to Richard and sits on
the passenger's side eating a cereal bar.)
JOHN: I wonder why it's so sunny out! Today is
one fruity day! (John stares squarely at Richard with a
contemptuous look who is sitting with a flushed face.) Guess
what, Dick. You wanna know something. You wanna know why I
don't like you? Because you can't provide for my mom. You
barely make the minimum wage, man. All you do for mom is all this
honey-poo shit. Honey-poo! Honey-poo! You piece of
shit! You were a janitor one time. You're a one time truck
driver. You taught preschool kids for two months. And now
you're what you like to call yourself a chef, what the rest of the world
calls a hamburger flipper. Back where you came from. The
pinnacle of your career was when you were a pro football player.
How lond did that last? Three weeks! Ha! You're over
the hills, buster! Just look at yourself, all fat and lazy.
Only if you were smart enough to stay in the league, you wouldn't be
like this. A former player. No wonder your name is McPork --
I mean McBeef. While the guys were packing on muscles, you were
packing on McDonald's fat, chowing down on three Big Mac's in three
minutes. You wanted me to call you dad? Okay. Hey,
dad, you are such a asshole! Asshole of assholes, DAD! And
as for you banging my mom, looks like that lasted as long as your
pathetic career, you prematurely ejaculating piece of dickshit.
Sucks for you, you motherfucking McBeef.
RICHARD: HOW DARE YOU TALK TO YOUR STEP-FATHER LIKE
THAT!
JOHN: Eat this, you giant tree trunk piece of ass.
(John sticks his half-eaten banana cereal bar in his step-father's mouth
and attempts to shove it down his throat.)
RICHARD: AHHHHH! (He pushes John away and
takes out the cereal bar.)
JOHN: Fuck you, DAD!
RICHARD: (Out of sheer desecrated hurt and anger,
Richard lifts his large arms and swings a deadly blow at the thirteen
year old boy.)
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