SEVEN (7) FACES OF DR. LAO -- SCREENPLAY

Metro Goldwyn Mayer Presents 7 Faces of Dr. Lao, Starring Tony Randall, Barbara Eden, Arthur O'Connell, John Ericson, With Noah Beery, Jr., Minerva Urecal, Frank Kreig, Eddie Litle Sky, Lee Patrick, John Qualen, Peggy Rea, Royal Dano, John Doucette, Frank Cady, Argentina Brunetti, Dal McKennon, Chubby Johnson, Douglas Fowley and Kevin Tate.  Music by Leigh Harline.  Director of Photography Rogert Bronner, A.S.C.  Art Direction George W. Davis and Gabriel Scognamillo.  Set Decoration Henry Grace and Hugh Hunt.  Assistant Director Al Shenberg.  Advisor of Magic George L. Boston.  Special Make-Up Created by William Tuttle.  Special Visual Effects Paul B. Byrd, Wah Chang, Jim Danforth, Ralph Rodine, and Rog R. Hoag A.S.C.  Film Editor George Tomasini.  Assistant to the Producer Gae Griffith.  Recording Supervisor Franklin Milton.  Hair Styles by Sydney Guilaroff.  Screen Play by Charles Beaumont.  Based on the Novel "The Circus of Dr. Lao," by Charles G. Finney.  Directed by George Pal.

**********

[Lean Cowboy] Pipe down, Thunder.

[Fat Cowboy] Did you ever see a catfish riding on a yellow jackass before?

[Toothless Cowboy] Not that I can remember.

[Dr. Lao] No touch.  Him Golden Ass of Apuleius.  Him very mean.  No touch.  Excuse, please.  Excuse, please.  Hello.

[Lean Cowboy] Who's that anyway?

[Fat Cowboy] I don't know.  Looked like a Jap to me.

[Toothless Cowboy] He's Chinese.

[Fat Cowboy] How do you know?

[Toothless Cowboy] Because I ain't stupid.

[Lean Cowboy] Well, whoever he is, he sure come to the wrong town.

[Dr. Lao] Hello.

[Tim Mitchell] You miserable piece of junk!  I ought to --

[Dr. Lao] Excuse, please.  Excuse.  Excuse.

[Tim Mitchell] Who're you?

[Dr. Lao] Name Lao.  Doctor Lao.

[Tim Mitchell] Ain't nobody sick here, unless you know how to remedy this machine.

[Dr. Lao] Do printing here?

[Tim Mitchell] No.  We sell ladies' underwear.

[Dr. Lao] What's the matter with you, big wise guy?  All the time make jokes.  Make fun of old Chinese fellow.

[Tim Mitchell] Take it easy.  It's too late in the afternoon for tantrums.

[Dr. Lao] Who you?  Who you?  You boss?

[Tim Mitchell] No.  Boss, he over there.

[Dr. Lao] Busy?

[Tim Mitchell] Well, you might say.

[Dr. Lao] Okay.  I wait.

***

[Clint Stark] Hi, Tim.  Ed.

[Ed Cunningham] What can I do for you, Mr. Stark?

[Clint Stark] Nothing.  Not a thing.  Just passing by.  Thought I'd drop in to say hello.  Of course, if you have some business to do ...

[Dr. Lao] That's okay.  I wait.  I wait.

[Clint Stark] I read your editorial this morning.  That was a fine piece of writing.  Real fine.  You certainly know how to put words together.

[Tim Mitchell] I'll just bet you liked it.

[Clint Stark] Of course I liked it.  I always like it when a man speaks his mind.  That part where you told all the people not to sell out.  Boy, that was brave.  And where you talked about fear.  Now, what was that again?  Here, you read it.

[Lucas] "The prices paid by Mr. Clint Stark for real estates and labor are so patently unfair as to be ludi-cross."

[Clint Stark] Ludicrous!  Down about three paragraphs.

[Lucas] Three what?

[Clint Stark] "All dictators past and present have thrived in a climate of fear.  Without fear, they perish.  People are afraid of Clint Stark, and so long as this situation exists, he will continue to rule Abalone."  That's great stuff.

[Ed Cunningham] Then I take it you agree with me. 

[Clint Stark] Of course I agree with you.  But the thing is, the people are afraid of me because I own them lock, stock and barrel.  They sold out a long time ago.

[Ed Cunningham] Then what are you so worried about?

[Clint Stark] You.  I'm worried about you.  See, you're a smart boy, and I just hate to see you wasting your time.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I appreciate a fighter.  I especially appreciate a fighter who has the odds against him.  But there aren't any odds here.  And there isn't any fight.

[Ed Cunningham] Maybe I can stir one up.

[Clint Stark] Not a chance.  You'll just make the people feel bad.  Believe me, this town isn't worth the trouble.

[Ed Cunningham] Then why are you so interested in buying every square inch of it?

[Clint Stark] Because I'm a philanthropist, boy.  I like to help people.

[Tim Mitchell] Spit.

[Clint Stark] Now let me ask you one.  What's your stake in this?  How come you're so concerned about Abalone?

[Ed Cunningham] Abalone is my home.

[Clint Stark] That won't wash.  A year ago you hadn't heard of the place.  You're a city boy, Ed.  You have some other reason.

[Ed Cunningham] Well, now, Mr. Stark, I guess I just can't keep any secrets from you.  The real reason is, "I'm a philanthropist, boy."

[Clint Stark] You wanna know something?  I think you are.  I really think you are.  Good luck, Ed.  You're on the wrong side, but I like your style.

[Ed Cunningham] I wish I could return the compliment.

[Clint Stark] Let's go.

***

[Ed Cunningham] What can we do for you, mister?

[Dr. Loa] Very small matter.  I like to run advertisement.  In newspaper.  Something wrong?  You sick maybe?

[Ed Cunningham] It's just it's kind of a shock.  We don't get much new business here.

[Dr. Lao] How much?

[Ed Cunningham] Well, that depends.  You want a full column or a --

[Dr. Lao] Big, big, big!  Full page.  Run two days.  Start right away, chop-chop.

[Ed Cunningham] A full page for two days?  How about $50?

[Dr. Lao] Good, good, good.  American money?

[Ed Cunningham] Yes, we'd prefer it if you don't mind.

[Dr. Lao] No, no.  Don't mind.

[Ed Cunningham] Fifty dollars.

[Dr. Lao] You fix?

[Ed Cunningham] I fix.  Mr. ...?

[Dr. Lao] Lao.  Doctor Lao.

[Ed Cunningham] What part of China are you from?

[Dr. Lao] Last residence Panohai.  Pee-a-en-oh-ha-a-ai.  Panohai.  Hello.  Goodbye.  Thank you.  Thank you.

[Tim Mitchell] What in Tom thunder ...?  You gonna print that stuff?

[Ed Cunningham] Why not?  He paid for it, didn't he?  Besides, I smell a story.

***

[Ed Cunningham] Howdy!  Have you got anything to read --?  I'm sorry, Mrs. Benedict.  I said, "Have you got anything --?"

[Angela Benedict] I heard you.

[Ed Cunningham] Where?

[Angela Benedict] The section on manners is right over there.

[Ed Cunningham] I've read those.  I'm looking for something on China.

[Angela Benedict] When do you leave?

[Ed Cunningham] As soon as you marry me.  I thought it'd be a nice place to honeymoon.

[Angela Benedict] Edward Cunningham!  If you --

[Ed Cunningham] Seriously, I want to check on a city called Panohai.

[Angela Benedict] Section on Asia, third shelf from the top.

[Ed Cunningham] You wouldn't want to help me?

[Angela Benedict] You can find it.  It's called The History of China, by D. Boulger.

[Ed Cunningham] Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

[Angela Benedict] It should be clear by now that I do not wish to go out with you, Mr. Cunningham.  Ever.

[Ed Cunningham] Why not?  All those stories about me, they're lies!  I'm not a bank robber or a cattle rustler.  And I've never kicked a woman in the stomach even once.  Really!

[Angela Benedict] It's quite impossible.  I've a little boy and a mother-in-law to take care of.  And you've only been in town a short while.  I don't even know you.  So please, stop asking.

[Ed Cunningham] Never.  It isn't Mike or your mother-in-law.  It's because you're afraid.

[Angela Benedict] Of you?

[Ed Cunningham] Of falling in love.  Of being a woman.  That's what you are, Angela, underneath all those widow's weeds.  Isn't that right, Luther?

***

[Mike Benedict] You got any more of that pie, Gram?

[Sarah Benedict] Certainly.

[Angela Benedict] He can get it himself.

[Sarah Benedict] All right.

[Angela Benedict] Thank you.

[Mike Benedict] Ed likes apple pie too.  When are we gonna invite him over?

[Angela Benedict] Don't be disrespectful.  His name is Mr. Cunningham.

[Mike Benedict] Come on, Mom.  He said I could call him Ed.

[Angela Benedict] And I say you can't.  Now you get the pie and go finish your homework.

[Mike Benedict]  All right.

[Angela Benedict] Don't bother with the dishes.  I'll do them when I get back.

[Sarah Benedict] All right.

[Mike Benedict] Good night, Mom.

[Angela Benedict] Good night, Michael.

[Mike Benedict] Good night, Grandma.

[Sarah Benedict]  Good night, Mike.

[Sarah Benedict] You're being a little hard on him.

[Angela Benedict] It's not easy for a boy to grow up without his father.

[Sarah Benedict] I know.  You could change that, Angela.  Did you hear me?

[Angela Benedict]  Yes.

[Sarah Benedict]  He is such a fine man.

[Angela Benedict]  Who is?

[Sarah Benedict]  Ed Cunningham.

[Angela Benedict]  Oh, Sarah, I do wish you'd stop going on about that drifter.

[Sarah Benedict]  He is not a drifter!  He's been here almost a year.  Whatever else you may think of him, you have to admit he is the only man in town with spirit enough to stand up to that devil, Stark!

[Angela Benedict]  Well, it takes more than spirit to make a fine man.  I loved your son, and no other man will ever take his place.  No, Sarah.  We'll manage, just you and I.  After all, Mike has two mothers, and that makes up for quite a lot.  I won't be late.

[Sarah Benedict]  Good night, dear.

***

[Mayor]  I don't think Cunningham's going to show up.

[Clint Stark]  Why not?

[Mayor]  He doesn't want to lose.  Who does?

[Clint Stark]  I do.  Mayor, every time I bet on weakness, corruption and fallibility, I want to lose.  But I always win.

[Lucas]  Hey, boss.

[Mayor] Meeting will come to order.  Now, folks, may I have your attention?  Now a few words from someone who don't need any introduction.  The man who's done more for Abalone than any other man ... Mr. Clinton Stark.

[Clint Stark] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, fellow citizens of Abalone.  I know you're all tired of waiting, so I'll cut the fancy talk and come right to the point.  Abalone is dying of thirst.  Now, you all know we get our water from a point 16 miles from here through an underground pipe.  That pipe is worn out.  It's crumbling.  According to the top engineers of this state, it has maybe another six months left.  Then it's finished.  So looking at it realistically, it seems you all have two choices:  Either you repair the pipe, or you let it rot.  Now, if you repair the pipe, it'll cost you $237,000!  And what do you get for your money?  I'll tell you that too.  Nothing.  Because that's what Abalone is.  Nothing.  Is that what you want?  To spend the rest of your lives here as bored as you've always been?  Of course not.  But you don't want to die of thirst either.  Now, you can't afford to leave your homes, lose your possessions.  Folks, I have an alternate choice for you.  Sell.  Sell what you've got and move away.  Leave Abalone to the buzzards.  Folks, I'll buy this town from you.  Every house.  Every building.  Every single nail.  And pay you a fair price to boot.  So you don't have to go head over heels into debt to raise $237,000.  You don't have to lose everything you've got. 

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  That makes sense!

[Mayor]  Well, I think we all agree that Mr. Stark has been more than generous with us.  I suggest, therefore, that we take a vote --

[Ed Cunningham]  Just a minute!  I'd like to say a few words if Mr. Stark doesn't mind. 

[Clint Stark] Not in the least, Mr. Cunningham.  After all, this is a free country.

[Ed Cunningham]  It's good someone remembers that.  You know, folks, I haven't been here long.  But it's home to me.  And I believe in fighting for your home when it's threatened.  Now, Mr. Stark wants us to sell our home, because it's gonna be an effort to keep it up.  But if we make the effort, he says that Abalone is nothing.  It's zero.  I say he's wrong.  I say any place where people live and work together is something.  Something very important.  Now, one more thing.  Just outside of our town, there's another with even less of Mr. Stark's kind of future.  There's one of its citizens.  Stand up, please, George.  This is George G. George.  He's a Navajo Indian.  Most of you know him.  His forefathers were here before the white man even heard of America.  What will happen to his family, his friends, without our town to help him? 

[Angela Benedict]  I'd like to say something. 

[Mayor]  All right, Mrs. Benedict.

[Angela Benedict]  If Abalone is as worthless as Mr. Stark says, why is he so anxious to buy it?

[Clint Stark]  That's a fair question.  I'm glad you asked it.  Mrs. Benedict, you're a teacher, a librarian.  And as such, you can take a dull boy and make him into a smart boy.  In a manner of speaking, you can turn a profit.  It's the same with me.  I'm a businessman, and as such, I feel I can do this, well, without taking a loss.  It's as simple as that.

[Angela Benedict]  But just exactly --?

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  You should be ashamed of yourself for doubting Mr. Stark's integrity.

[Peter Ramsey]  Mr. Stark, when do we have to give our answer?

[Clint Stark]  Well, frankly, I'd hoped to settle this this evening.  But if you want some time to think it over, well, let's say within a couple of days. 

[Mayor]  Thank you.  Thank you very much, Mr. Stark.  We owe you a vote of gratitude for being so fair with us.  Don't you agree, folks?  Meeting adjourned until 9:30 Friday night.

[Ed Cunningham]  Oh, George.  We didn't accomplish very much, but thanks for coming down. 

[Clint Stark]  Not a chance, Ed.  They're sentimental, but that doesn't make them stronger. 

[Ed Cunningham]  That's what you want to think. 

[Clint Stark]  You'll find this hard to believe, but I was like you once, a long time ago.  I believed in the dignity of man.  Decency.  Humanity.  But I was lucky.  I found out the truth early, boy. 

[Ed Cunningham]  And what is the truth, Stark?

[Clint Stark]  It's all very simple.  There is no such thing as the dignity of man.  Man is a base, pathetic, vulgar animal.  Good night, Ed.

***

[Carey]  Halt, you miserable redskin!  You're keeping the wrong kind of company, boy.  Ain't good to be seen with a man like Cunningham.  Bad medicine.  Savvy?  Cat got your tongue? 

[Lucas]  I believe that's what's happened.  Cat got his tongue. 

[Carey]  Who told you you could go?

[Lucas]  He's a sassy one, ain't he?

[Carey]  You know what my old man used to say?  He said the only good Injun's a dead Injun.  What do you think of that, boy?  Talk, you miserable redskin!  Talk!  Talk! 

[Dr. Lao] Excuse, please.  This town ain't big enough for you and me, partner.  Smile when you say that, you miserable horny-toad hombre. 

[Carey]   What happened?

[Mike Benedict]  Circus coming to town!  Read all about it!  Read all about it!  Circus coming to town!  Good morning, Mr. Ramsey.

[Peter Ramsey] Why don't you aim, boy?

[Mike Benedict]  I do, Mr. Ramsey!  I do!

[Peter Ramsey]  Hey, Bunny, look it here!

[Mrs. Ramsey]  I can't come out like this.

[Peter Ramsey]  Says here a circus is coming to town.

[Mrs. Ramsey]  To Abalone?

[Peter Ramsey]  That's what it says.

[Mrs. Ramsey]  I can't believe it.  Hasn't ever been a circus here.

[Mike Benedict]  Read all about it!  Read all about it!  Circus coming to town!

[Mayor]  That darn kid.  He threw the paper under the car.

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  Mr. Frisco, good morning.

[Mr. Frisco]  Good morning, Mrs. Cassin.

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  And how is our esteemed mayor this morning?

[Mayor]  Oh, fine, thank you.  Just fine!

[Mike Benedict]  Read all about it!  Circus coming to town!

[Kate Lindquist]  That young hoodlum!

[Luther Lindquist]  It's just the Daily Star, dear.

[Kate Lindquist]  Don't mess me up, stupid.  Go get the paper.

[Luther Lindquist]  Yes, dear.

[Kate Lindquist]  Somebody ought to arrest that rapscallion!  He's just like that no-good Cunningham.  A troublemaker!  Give it here.  And sit down.  You give me the jitters. 

[Luther Lindquist]  I'm sorry, dear.  I don't mean to give you the yitters.

[Kate Lindquist]  Say "jitters."  What in the world is a Medusa?

[Luther Lindquist]  A Medusa, dear heart, is a ... well, it's a mythological creature with snakes on her head instead of hair.  And if you look at her face, you turn to stone.

[Kate Lindquist]  Shut-up, Luther!  And don't be ridiculous!

[Luther Lindquist]  Yes, dear.

***

[Ed Cunningham]  Wait!  I wanna talk to you!

[Merlin]  Edward Cunningham, Esquire.  Editor in chief of the Abalone Daily Star.  How do you do?

[Ed Cunningham]  Who's talking?  Where are you?

[Merlin]  Here.  There.  Everywhere.  Are you going to write about me in your newspaper?

[Ed Cunningham]  If you give me something worth writing about.

[Merlin]  As a rule, Dr. Lao does not approve of our speaking for publication.  But I see no harm in telling you that I was born in the year 1204.  Or is it 412?  I can't seem to remember.  But at any rate, I am the greatest magician the world has ever known. 

[Ed Cunningham]  It's funny.  I've never heard of you.

Marlin]  But you have heard of me.  Indeed.  The name is Merlin. 

[Ed Cunningham]  Merlin?

[Merlin]  Merlin.  The magician from His Majesty King Arthur's court.

[Ed Cunningham]  Of course! And that big ape I saw hammering the stakes, he was from the Himalayas? 

[Merlin]  Precisely.  Abominable, isn't he? 

[Ed Cunningham]  About this Dr. Lao ... where's he from?

[Merlin]  China.  But you needn't bother about him.  No talent there.  Strictly an executive type.  Pray, do not quote me. 

[Ed Cunningham]  I wouldn't dream of it.  But tell me, what does he do?

[Merlin]  Oh, dear.  I'm frightfully sorry.  I've said much too much already.  Oh, but do, do let me show you some small sample of my craft.  May I have the notebook which is in your pocket?  Now tell me, Mr. Edward Cunningham, what you most desire.  Oh, no.  That's terribly stupid of me.  Mortals have but one basic desire.  Now hold this in your hand.  Now close your eyes and say the magic word. 

[Ed Cunningham]  What is the magic word?

[Merlin:  "Money," of course.  Say it.

[Ed Cunningham]  Money.

[Merlin]  Open your eyes.  It worked.  A small sum, of course.  But then, I tire easily.  Magic is extremely exhausting.

[Ed Cunningham]  No, thank you.

[Merlin]  Beg your pardon?

[Ed Cunningham]  No, thanks.  I came here for a story, not a bribe. 

Dr, Lao] Merlin!  Merlin!

[Merlin]  Oh, dear.  Oh, dear!  Now I really am in trouble. 

[Dr. Lao]  Welcome to the Circus of Dr. Lao.  How may we serve you?

[Ed Cunningham]  By giving this money back to the old boy ...

[Dr. Lao]  What money, Mr. Cunningham?

[Ed Cunningham]  Come on, doc.  What kind of Oriental hocus-pocus is going on around here?  A circus with no wagons, no animals, no cages ... a crazy old magician?  What's it all about?

[Dr. Lao]  Our circus is different.  That's what I promised. 

[Ed Cunningham]  I'm not interested in promises. I'm interested in the real story.  And don't tell me about Panohai.  I looked it up.  Panohai went out of existence thousands of years ago. 

[Dr. Lao]  Forgive me, but you worry too much.  You worry about how I brought my circus to Abalone without wagons.  You worry about the future of your town, or if the sun will rise a year from today.  The answers to such matters remain posed behind a curtain.  Then time says, "Presto!"  And out they come.  Tomorrow night I promise you "presto."  The strangest story you've ever known.  Now, Mr. Cunningham, do you suppose this garrulous intruder may be a swindler perhaps?  An assassin?  A charlatan plotting some curious disaster for your town?  Such characters exist, but they are secretive rather than mysterious.  I, sir, am a major mystery. 

[Ed Cunningham]  You're a convincing talker about very unconvincing things. 

Dr, Lao]  Whatever men do not understand, they find unconvincing.  But please don't suppose I'm dangerous, because I'm unfamiliar.  I ask that you believe in me. 

[Ed Cunningham]  As what?

[Dr. Lao]  As a friend of yours, of your town, of all human beings. 

[Ed Cunningham]  That's quite a spiel. 

[Dr. Lao]  Thank you. 

[Ed Cunningham]  Well, I'm leaving in a cloud of befuddlement.  And with nothing to go on except a hunch that you're a nice guy. 

[Dr. Lao]  Good afternoon, Mr. Cunningham. 

[Ed Cunningham]  Hey!  How come you speak perfect English all of a sudden?

[Dr. Lao]  Oh, it comes and goes.  Whatever dialect the mood requires.

[Ed Cunningham]  Comes and goes?

[Dr. Lao]  What's the matter?  Always asking questions.  Wise guy!  Get on your motorcycle! 

***

[Mike Benedict]  Hey, mister, how'd you do that?

[Dr. Lao]  So sorry.  Don't speak English. 

[Mike Benedict]  You do too.  Ed said so.  And I know who you are.  You're Dr. Lao. 

[Dr. Lao]  Astute observation.  Goom-bye. 

[Mike Benedict]  I'll carry your posters.  Even help you put them up!  If you'll show me how.

[Dr. Lao]  What name?

Mike:  Mike Benedict, sir.

[Dr. Lao]  Okay, Mike.  You come. 

[Mike Benedict]  Are you an acrobat?

[Dr. Lao]  Only philosophically.

[Mike Benedict]  What?

[Dr. Lao]  Only philosophically!

[Mike Benedict]  Really?  Can you walk a tightrope?

[Dr. Lao]  If required.  My specialty, however, is wisdom.  Do you know what wisdom is?

[Mike Benedict]  No, sir.

[Dr. Lao]  Wise answer. 

[Mike Benedict]  I can walk on my hands.  Wanna see?

[Dr. Lao]  Not now, please. 

[Mike Benedict]  How do you do that?

[Dr. Lao]  You come circus.  Bring Mama and Papa also.  All my guests. 

[Mike Benedict]  You mean free?  Gosh!  Thanks!  But I can't bring my father, because he's dead.

[Dr. Lao]  Oh, that's very sad, Mike.

[Mike Benedict]  But I never knew him.  He got killed when I was little.  I'm the man of the house. 

[Dr. Lao]  You're a very fine young man. 

[Mike Benedict]  I'm not so young.  I'm 8 going on 9. 

[Dr. Lao]  Eight going on 9 is young, believe me.  Eight going on 9 is remarkably young.

[Mike Benedict]  How old are you?

[Dr. Lao]  I believe I shall tell you.  I am seven thousand three hundred and twenty-two years old this October. 

[Mike Benedict]  That is old!

[Dr. Lao]  It is, rather.

***

[Lean Cowboy]  If you ask me, that's quite a stunt!

[Toothless Cowboy]  I guess he's got a gramophone hid somewheres.

[Fat Cowboy]  That's it.  It must be.

[Dr. Lao]  This is the Circus of Dr. Lao.  We show you things that you don't know.  We've spared no pains and we've spared no dough, for we wanted to give you one hell of a show!  And youth may come and age may go, but no more circuses like this show.  Fifteen cents.  You free.  Step up!  Step up!  Hurry!  Hurry!  Hurry!

[Mike Benedict]  Thank you, sir.

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  Isn't it exciting?  I haven't been to a circus in, well ... In a long time!  I hope they have a fortuneteller.  Not that I believe in them, of course.  But they are fascinating.

[Clint Stark]  Go in and wait about 45 minutes.

[Lucas]  Thank you, boss.

[Dr. Lao]  See Apollonius!  See the Snowman!  Hurry!  Hurry!  Hurry!  Hurry!  Hurry!  See the Medusa that turns men of granite to stone!  And see the Great Serpent.  See him rise, see him coil, hear him hiss!  See wonders never before beheld by the eyes of mortal man.  See the Great Pan, the incarnation of the carnal!  See Apollonius of Tyana.  He sees all, tells all!  Nothing but the truth.  It's the chance of a lifetime.  The dark mysteries unfolded.  Step right up!  Only 15 cents!  Now please keep in line.  Step right up!  Fifteen cents.  Hurry!  Hurry!  Hurry!

***

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  You frightened me.

[Apollonius of Tyana]  You wish your future told?

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  You look like Howard, my poor, dear departed husband.

[Apollonius of Tyana]  You know he did not die.  He simply walked out of your life years ago.

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  Yes.  Well, you know everything, don't you?  If you know my past so well, let's see if you can really tell my future.

[Apollonius of Tyana]  Be seated.  Five cents, please.

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  Shall I ask questions?

[Apollonius of Tyana]  If you wish.

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  This is so exciting.  Let me see now.  I know.  How soon will I strike oil on that 20 acres of mine?

[Apollonius of Tyana]  Never.

[Mrs. Howard Cassin] But I paid a fortune for that land.

[Apollonius of Tyana]  You wasted your money.  Next question.

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  I can't hear you.

[Apollonius of Tyana]  You must listen.

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  You needn't be so brusque.  It's just a game, after all.  All right, you naughty man.  You see, what I really want to know is when shall I be married again?

[Apollonius of Tyana]  Never.

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  Well, what sort of man will come into my life?  Let's put it that way.

[Apollonius of Tyana]  There will be no more men in your life. 

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  Really!  Really!  What's the use of my living if I'm not going to be rich ... no more men, for heaven's sake?

[Apollonius of Tyana]  I only read futures.  I don't evaluate them.

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  That's utter nonsense!

[Apollonius of Tyana]  The future is always nonsense until it becomes the past.

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  Well, go on.  Do your job.  I paid you.  Read my future!

[Apollonius of Tyana]  Tomorrow will be like today and the day after tomorrow will be like the day before yesterday.  I see your remaining days as a tedious collection of hours full of useless vanities.  You will think no new thoughts, and you will forget what little you have known.  Older you will become, but not wiser.  Stiffer, but not more dignified.  Childless you are and childless you will remain.  Of that suppleness you once commanded in your youth, of that strange simplicity which once attracted men to you, neither endures, nor shall you recapture them. 

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  You're a mean, ugly man!

[Apollonius of Tyana]  Mirrors are often ugly and mean.  When you die, you will be buried and forgotten.  And that is all.  And for all the good or evil, creation or destruction your living might have accomplished, you might just as well never have lived at all.  I am sorry, but you see, it is my curse to tell the absolute truth. 

***

[Angela Benedict]  Oh, Mrs. Cassin.

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  Angela, whatever you do, stay out of there.

[Angela Benedict]  Why?  Isn't he any good?

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  Oh, no.  He's wonderful!  Absolutely the most magnetic man I've ever met in my whole life, next to Howard, God bless his soul.  Do you know what he told me?  That I'm going to be rich, strike oil.  And promise you won't tell.  I'm going to be married again.  And Clinton Stark is the lucky one. 

[Angela Benedict]  That's very nice, but why shouldn't I go in?

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  Well, he's not very polite.  He pinched me three times.  But I suppose you haven't anything to worry about, come to think of it.  Toodle-loo.

[Dr. Lao] Estimable educator.  Mother of fatherless Mike, good friend.  Lose something?

[Angela Benedict]  Yes.  My mother-in-law.

[Dr. Lao]  She over there, I think.  Have plenty fun.  You too?

[Angela Benedict]  Well, it's very nice, thank you.

[Dr. Lao]  Good, good, good.  Exhibit around corner. 

***

Pan, God of Joy

[Dr. Lao]  Step in.  Step in.  Step this way, if you please.  The most charming figure in the old Greek polytheistic mythology is Pan, the God of Joy.  Combining the forms of man and goat. 

[Drunk]  It's a fake.  It's gotta be.

***

The Giant Serpent

[Giant Serpent] Hi, there.  Why, don't be frightened, kiddo.  I'm harmless.  Dr. Lao saw to that.  Come here.  Do I look familiar to you?

[Clint Stark]  Now that you mention it, you do.

[Giant Serpent]  This circus is like a mirror.  You see yourself in it sometimes.  Sometimes someone else.  Didn't Dr. Lao tell you about it?  He will, Mr. Stark. 

[Clint Stark]  How do you know my name?

[Giant Serpent]  I know a lot of unimportant stuff like that.

[Clint Stark]  Well, whoever you are and however you work, you interest me.

[Giant Serpent]  You know why?  Because we look alike and have much in common.  For one thing, our suspicion. 

[Clint Stark]  Why do you buzz your tail like that?

[Giant Serpent]  Why not?  It's the most treasured gift of my ancestors.  I wouldn't care to trade with you.

[Clint Stark]  Maybe not.  But the point is, my scaly friend, that you are in a cage while I'm free to walk about.

[Giant Serpent]  Oh, you have your cage too.  You test your bars just as often as I test mine, kiddo.  Why do you wear those things over your eyes?

[Clint Stark]  So I can see.  I have an astigmatism.  They're glasses.

[Giant Serpent]  The creator who made you cunning made my eyes efficient enough to perceive objects without aid.  In fact, the Lord of All Living dealt with me quite generously.  Strength He gave me and symmetry and endurance, and patience.  But look at you.  You even have to hang rags on yourself to protect your weak skin.  You have to hang things in front of your eyes in order to see.  Look at yourself! 

[Clint Stark]  I'll admit I'm not perfect, but  --

[Giant Serpent]  You can say that again, kiddo!  You're just about the most imperfect creature I've ever seen!  And I've seen some lulus!  To tell you the truth, even the thought that I resemble you makes me ill. 

[Clint Stark]  Well, it doesn't make me too happy either. 

[Carey]  Hey, boss, we've been looking all over for you.  You don't have to worry about no newspaper no more. 

[Lucas]  Who was you talking to?

[Clint Stark]  No one.

[Lucas]  Well, I thought I heard -- That's an ugly devil!

[Clint Stark]  Let's scat.  Let's scat!

[Giant Serpent]  You wouldn't say that if I were on the other side of these bars. 

[Clint Stark]  Let's get out!

[Giant Serpent]  Mr. Stark!

***

[Dr. Lao]  Monsierus et mesdames, it give me great pleasure to present to you, direct from a long and successful run at the court of King Arthur, that inimitable dramaturge, that master of magic, sorcery, wizardry and prestidigitation, the crown prince of the black arts, Merlin the Magician!

[Drunk]  Go on!  On with the show!

[Merlin]  Oh, dear, I'm terribly sorry.  What sort of magic would you like to see?

[Toothless Cowboy]  What kind have you got?

[Merlin]  Oh, all sorts, really.  Though I am a bit out of practice.  Well, let's see now.  What have we here?  Oh, we have a ball, haven't we?  Just an ordinary ball, isn't it?  I suppose so.  Oh, dear, now we have two!

[Girl] Make a rabbit come out of the bag.

[Merlin]  Oh, very well.  I'll try it. Hocus pocus.

[Girl]  I wanted a rabbit!

[Merlin]  Oh, I'm sorry.  I did my very best.  Disappear.

[Mike Benedict]  Can you do magic with cards, Mr. Merlin?

[Merlin]  For you, sir, I will.  One, two, three ...

[Fat Cowboy]  Faker!

[Toothless Cowboy]  Phony!

[Drunk]  Why don't you change the water into booze?

[Merlin]  Very well.  Hocus-pocus.  Come and take it.  Would you care for some, young lady?

[Kate Lindquist]  I never drink.  Neither does he.

[Drunk]  Let me try some of that stuff.  Tastes just like ginger ale.

[Merlin]  I beg your pardon, sir.  This is the finest vintage champagne ever served in America.

[Toothless Cowboy]  Come on, do something!

[Fat Cowboy]  Don't just stand there!

[Lean Cowboy]  Show us some real magic!

[Girl]  Mother, have him do something I like. 

[Merlin]  Do you like flowers, little lady?

[Girl]  A little.

[Merlin]  The last one is for you, my dear.

[Lean Cowboy]  Now come on.  Do something really big!

[Toothless Cowboy]  Yeah!  Make a woman float in the air like I seen once in Tucson!  She was beautiful. 

[Girl]  Mother, I'm tired of this.

[Girl's Mother]  Be still.  This gentleman is trying to do tricks. 

[Merlin]  Gadzooks, madame.  These are not tricks.  I do magic.  I create.  I transpose.  I transubstantiate.  I break up.  I recombine.  But I never trick. 

[Drunk]  You stink!

[Lean Cowboy]  It's just done with mirrors!

[Fat Cowboy]  Fake!

[Toothless Cowboy]  Phony!

[Merlin]  You're wrong!  I'm a great magician!  I have just created something from nothing.  Isn't it enough? 

[Fat Cowboy]  Anybody can make a bunch of flowers. 

[Merlin]  Very well.  Flowers aren't enough?  Perhaps you'd like a few man-eating tigers!

[Lean Cowboy]  Fat chance.

[Drunk]  How about a pink elephant?

[Merlin]  Wag.  Willow.  Wick!

[Fat Cowboy]  Bugs!  Let's go!

[Toothless Cowboy]  You can't throw the lady in the air?

[Lean Cowboy]  Come on!

[Merlin]  Wick.  Wag.  Wiggle!  Wee.  Wire!  Oh, how does that go?  I've forgotten so many things.  So long, girls. 

[Mike Benedict]  It's all right, Mr. Merlin.  They don't understand, but I do.  I think you're the greatest magician ever.  I believe in you.  Really.

[Merlin]  You do?  Thank you, my boy.

***

[Carey]  Hey, doc.  What's this supposed to be?

[Dr. Lao]  Him my pet!  Him pet!

[Lucas]  A catfish for a pet?

[Dr. Lao]  My man, you are gazing upon the legendary terror of the seven seas.  A genuine, bona fide sea serpent.  What's the matter with you crazy people?  All the time "ha-ha"!  Please!  Please!  You make sea serpent very mad!

[Lucas]  If I was to catch a itty-bitty thing like that, I'd throw it back!

[Dr. Lao]  I fear you do not understand, laddie.  There are certain lakes, in Switzerland, certain lochs in Scotland, which are called the eyes of the sea.  They are so called because these lakes and lochs are bottomless.  Aye.  They extend far beneath the surface of the land and lead to the great, and mysterious oceans of which they are a part.  Not unlike salmon, sea monsters, as they're referred to, come to the lochs to breed.  I caught this one as a wee baby myself.  It was a wee, sleeked, cowering, timorous beastie!

[Carey]  That's a lot of hogwash.

[Kate Lindquist]  Just what do you take us for?

[Dr. Lao]  Those lads who are fishermen are doubtless familiar with the species maculatus Spheroides, otherwise known as the blowfish.  The blowfish is a small creature inhabiting the depths of the sea.  Take him from those depths, where the pressure is extreme, or into the air, where there's little pressure, and what happens?  His eyes bulge, then he puffs himself up many times his natural size.  Hence the name blowfish.  So it is with the sea serpent.  In the water he is small, insignificant, petite.  But out of the water and exposed to the air, and he doubles his size every 10 seconds until he reaches his full growth, and no man knows how big that is.  You see what happened?  He pulled his head out of the water, it has grown huge, and men on passing ships have sworn they have seen a gigantic monster.  Which explains the legends of lurking sea serpents.

[Carey]  There ain't no pressure in that bowl.  Just a little water. 

[Lucas]  Show us a demonstration, doc.

[Dr. Lao] Oh, so sorry.  No can do.  Look, this monster's fondest ambition eat up Dr. Lao!  Cannot understand why.  Very bad thing.  Honorable servant probably taste like leftover turkey!  Don't touch it.

[Lucas]  We just wanna take a look!

[Carey]  Watch who you're pushing little man!

[Clint Stark]  Carey!

[Sea Serpent] Farts

[Clint Stark]  Come on.

***

[Dr. Lao]  Step up.  Step up.  Step up.  Good citizens of Abalone, you are about to see the Medusa.    The Medusa is a third cousin of the original Gorgon sisters who disturbed the land of Greece in the time before Ulysses, Agamemnon, Achilles, et cetera, et cetera, and, of course, et cetera.  And like her Gorgon sisters, she has the power to turn those who dare to look straight into her eyes into stone.  To spare you good people from being converted into monuments, obelisks and so forth, I have rather ingeniously, I think, made it possible for you to see the Medusa only in a mirror.  Thus seen, she is harmless.  I entreat you, please be content with the reflected image.  Do not go peeking around the edges of the canvas.  It is a move which might produce most unpleasant results.  She is a genuine Medusa, over 3000 years old. 

[Fat Cowboy]  She don't look a day over 500 to me, doc.

[Kate Lindquist]  It's a disgrace!

[Luther Lindquist]  Now, Kate, please.

[Kate Lindquist]  I just wanna say one thing.  Where is he?  Where is that old faker?

[Dr. Lao]  Yes, madam?

[Kate Lindquist]  I wanna say one thing, that I never listened to such lies in all my born days.  Snakes turning people to stone!  The idea!

[Luther Lindquist]  Please.  Don't make trouble in front of all these people. 

[Kate Lindquist]  Shut up!  I'll say what I darn well please. 

[Dr. Lao]  My dear lady, the role of skeptic becomes you not.  There are things in the world not even the experience of a lifetime spent in Abalone could conceive of. 

[Kate Lindquist]  Is that so?  I'm gonna make a liar out of you in front of everybody.  Get out of my way!  I'll show her!  All right, cheap little hussy, you don't --

[Luther Lindquist]  It's all right.  Pete, help me.  Arthritis attack.  She's had them before.

[Toothless Cowboy]  Hey, Luther.  Did you buy yourself a statue?

[Luther Lindquist]  This ain't no statue.  It's my Kate.

[Lean Cowboy]  Stoned again?

[Toothless Cowboy]  She looks better that way.

[Woman]  Call a doctor.

[Luther Lindquist]  This is the worst attack she's had.

[Merlin]  Hocus pocus dominocus.  Chay, chay, chay. 

[Kate Lindquist]  Luther.  Let's go home. 

[Luther Lindquist]  Giddap.  Come on, giddap.

[Merlin]  You see, I told you.  I told you I was a good magician.  Did you see? 

[Dr. Lao]  Everybody go home.  Circus over. 

[Merlin]  Oh, dear.  Oh --

[Dr. Lao]  Come back tomorrow.  Big finale!  Goom-bye.  Come back tomorrow.  Big show.  Scram.  Goom-bye.  Goom-bye.  Phew!

***

[Dr. Lao]  Now eat your food, Mr. Cricket.  Eat it.  You're making me angry at you.  You're a bad cricket.  Don't speak back to me.  I'm very disappointed in you.  [Knock on door]  What's the matter you?  You crazy boy.  You want mother and grandmother to worry?

[Mike Benedict]  They're asleep.  I snuck back out.  Dr. Lao, I wanna have a talk with you seriously. 

[Dr. Lao]  No.  No time.  Very upset. 

[Mike Benedict]  On account of Mrs. Lindquist turning to stone?

[Dr. Lao]  No.  On account of cricket.  Okay.  You have problem? 

[Mike Benedict]  I need a full-time job, and I was just wondering if maybe you could use me with the circus?

[Dr. Lao] No.

[Mike Benedict]  But I like your circus.  And I've always wanted to be in the circus.  I'd word hard, and I wouldn't be any trouble.  And I can do a lot of tricks.  Look. 

[Dr. Lao]  How you do that?  Oh, that's very good.  Very good.  But Mike, we have a magician.  Confidentially, you much better.  But that make the Great Merlin very sad.  You understand? 

[Mike Benedict]  I understand.  You can't use me. 

[Dr. Lao]  Mike, let me tell you something.  The whole world is a circus if you know how to look at it. The way the sun sets when you're tired and comes up when you're on the move -- that's real magic. The way a leaf grows. The song of the birds. The way the desert looks at night with the moon embracing it. Oh, my boy, that's circus enough for anyone. Every time you watch a rainbow and feel wonder in your heart. Every time you pick up a handful of dust and see not the dust but a mystery, a marvel, there in your hand. Every time you stop and think: 'I'm alive, and being alive is fantastic.' Every time such a thing happens, you're part of the Circus of Doctor Lao.

[Mike Benedict]  I don't understand.

[Dr. Lao]  Neither do I.

***

[Tim Mitchell]  Well, I always say:  "If you're gonna do something, do it right."  You look surprised. 

[Ed Cunningham]  I am.  I didn't think Stark was this worried about us.

[Tim Mitchell]  Well, he ain't worried no more.  What are you aiming to do?

[Ed Cunningham]  Get drunk!

***

[Sarah Benedict]  Angela!  Is that you?

[Angela Benedict]  Yes, Mother.

[Sarah Benedict]  What is the matter?

[Angela Benedict]  Nothing, nothing.  Just that infernal music.  It makes me nervous. 

[Sarah Benedict]  What music?

[Angela Benedict]  Never mind, Mother.

[Sarah Benedict]  You're perspiring. 

[Angela Benedict]  Am I?

[Sarah Benedict]  Are you sure there's nothing wrong?

[Angela Benedict]  Yes, Mother, very sure.  Go back to bed.  I think I'll get a glass of cold water.

[Sarah Benedict]  All right. 

***

[Tim Mitchell]  Do you suppose that crazy little Chinaman had something to do with this?

[Ed Cunningham]  Who else?

[Tim Mitchell]  How?

[Ed Cunningham]  We'll figure that out later.  Right now let's get to work!

***

[Carey]  What's your problem, cousin?

[Ed Cunningham]  Where's Stark?

[Clint Stark]  How are you, Ed?

[Ed Cunningham]  Couldn't be better.

[Clint Stark]  Glad to hear it.  What can I do for you, boy?

[Ed Cunningham]  Not a thing.  I thought you might wonder about your paper.

[Clint Stark]  Well, I did miss it.  No problems, I hope. 

[Ed Cunningham]  Just one.  The presses broke down. 

[Clint Stark]  Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

[Ed Cunningham]  They're fixed now.  A short issue this time, but you'll understand.  Won't you, Mr. Stark?  Let's see.  You're not a subscriber, are you?

[Lucas]  No.

[Ed Cunningham]  You ought to think about it.  How're you gonna know what's happening in town without the Star?  Here's a complimentary issue.  For you too.  So long.

[Clint Stark]  Ed.  You really think you have a chance?

[Ed Cunningham]  Well, I was beginning to wonder.  Then something happened that cheered me up.  You read about it on page one. 

[Carey]  Boss, it couldn't be.  It really couldn't be!

[Lucas]  We ruined it.

[Clint Stark]  Shut up!

[Lucas]  It ain't possible is it?

***

[Ed Cunningham]  I hate to tell you this.  There aren't any fish in that river.  In fact, there isn't any river.

[Dr. Lao]  That's okay.  Me no use bait.

[Ed Cunningham]  Oh, I see.  I want to thank you for what you did.  I don't suppose you'd tell me why or how?

[Dr. Lao]  What's the matter?  All the time, talk!  Scare away fishie!  Wise guy.

[Tim Mitchell]  Hey, Ed.  Ed, come here!  Ramsey and some of them other fellows had a get-together in the cafe. 

[Ed Cunningham]  Well?

[Tim Mitchell]  They're gonna set out to Stark.

[Ed Cunningham]  You sure?

[Tim Mitchell]  Vote's tonight.  I don't look good.  They're scared. 

[Ed Cunningham]  Stark was right.  I was crazy fighting for --

[Dr. Lao]  Mr. Cunningham.  Please.  You come to circus tonight.  May be big surprise.  I got you.  Oh, fishie! Oh, look what Dr. Lao has!  Trout!

[Tim Mitchell]  Did you see that?

[Ed Cunningham]  Yeah.  Come on.  Come on.

[Tim Mitchell]  Ed.

[Dr. Lao]  It's a trout.  Big, big trout.

***

[Dr. Lao]  Welcome, ladies and gentlemen!  Welcome to the final showing of the Circus of Dr. Lao.  Tonight we present to you what they call in the language of France the piece de resistance.  In the words of Philosopher Mencius, "You ain't seen nothing yet!" 

[Lean Cowboy]  You can say that again, doc!

[Ed Cunningham]  I'm sorry. 

[Angela Benedict]  Hello. 

[Ed Cunningham]  You remind me of someone. 

[Angela Benedict]  Oh?

[Ed Cunningham]  A woman I know.  Her name's Angela Benedict.  Same height.  Same weight.  Same general features.  Ever meet her?

[Angela Benedict]  No, but I've heard of her.  She's supposed to be a most unpleasant person. 

[Ed Cunningham]  Oh, no.  Now, whoever told you that?  It's a lie.  Angela is ... well, you see, Angela has got a problem. 

[Angela Benedict]  What kind of a problem?

[Ed Cunningham]  The worst kind, same as mine.  Loneliness. 

[Angela Benedict]  Oh.

[Ed Cunningham]  It's the worst thing to happen to a person.  You see, people think that Angela's hard.  People think she's cold.  But she isn't hard and she isn't cold.  She's soft and warm.  She's afraid to let anyone know. 

[Angela Benedict]  Well, that sounds very odd to me.

[Ed Cunningham]  No, it isn't odd at all.  I'm trying to tell you, loneliness can do that. 

[Angela Benedict]  Then, of course, it isn't any of my business, but why don't you and this person become friends?  I mean, if --- if you're both lonely ...

[Ed Cunningham]  She doesn't like me.  And it doesn't make any difference now.  The town we live in will be deserted in a few weeks.

[Angela Benedict]  They haven't decided yet?

[Ed Cunningham]  Just pretend they haven't.  I'm pleased to meet you, Miss --

[Angela Benedict]  Call me Angela.

[Ed Cunningham]  Angela.  Beautiful name.

***

[Apollonius of Tyana]  You were born with a great love for humanity, Clinton Stark, but this love soon turned to bitterness and contempt.  Why?  It's because in all your years, you've never been able to understand that perfection exists only as an ideal.  

[Clint Stark]  Who's interested in ideals?  Get the money.  That's what counts.  Hold it out to the people.  They'll grab at it.  That's the truth.  There's nothing in between.

[Apollonius of Tyana]   Oh, but there is.  Life is sharing.  You began with an extreme notion of man's good, his strength and his nobility.  You ended with another extreme, equally false.  The notion of man's evil, his weakness and his ignobility.  Now you are involved in proving that point.

[Clint Stark]  I'm proving it pretty well, I'd say.

[Apollonius of Tyana]  If you believed that, you wouldn't need to reassure yourself every day.  Look at you now, gloating over a victory which is a defeat.  A defeat for all the ideals you once held sacred.

[Clint Stark]  They'll vote to sell.

[Apollonius of Tyana]  What have you shown but your own greed, your own sick hunger for self-destruction?  If they sell their town to you, you'll realize an extensive profit, because you alone know a railroad's planned for this area within the year. 

[Clint Stark]  How'd you find out?

[Apollonius of Tyana]  I am Apollonius of Tyana. 

[Clint Stark]  Did you tell anyone?

[Apollonius of Tyana]  That would have the effect of altering the future.  Five cents, please.

[Clint Stark]  Am I going to win?

[Apollonius of Tyana]  Yes.

***

[Angela Benedict]  I can't figure out how he managed to get so much into this tent.  It seems to be bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. 

[Ed Cunningham]  Dr. Lao is a remarkable man.

[Dr. Lao]  Peanuts. 

[Lean Cowboy]  Hey!  How soon's the show gonna start?

[Dr. Lao]  Almost instanter.

[Fat Cowboy]  How much is peanuts?

[Dr. Lao]  One penny.

[Fat Cowboy]  I'll take a bag.

[Dr. Lao]  Out of a nickel.  Pass that up, please.

[Man]  How much is the popcorn?

[Dr. Lao]  What's that?

[Man]  How much is the popcorn?

[Dr. Lao]  Popcorn's free.

[Man]  Right here!

[Dr. Lao]  And now, on with the show!

[Toothless Cowboy]  Ride him, sonny, ride him!  Ride him, sonny.

[Mrs. Howard Cassin]  For me?  Oh, thank you.  Nice man.  A real gentleman.

[Man]  He's blind.  He can't see.  He can't see.

[Dr. Lao]  Ladies and gentlemen, the spectacle you've been waiting for:  The Fall of the City.  I almost forgot.  Excuse very much.  Excuse.  I almost forgot.  My pet.  The Loch Ness monster.  Excuse.  Excuse very much.  Excuse, please.  Excuse. 

The Fall of the City. The city's name was Woldercan. It existed beyond the edge of the world some years before the beginning of history. There are no records of Woldercan. No artifacts. No descendants of its people. In fact, there is no proof that there was such a place. Yet it was as real as pain. Citizens of Abalone, I give you Woldercan:

It was a small city. A humble city. Its people had little in the way of worldly goods. And this little made for themselves by themselves, or euchred from the stubborn soil, or plucked from the cold and capricious heart of the sea. Yet the Woldercanese were content, for in the goods of the spirit they were rich. For them, it was enough to partake of creation, and to give thanks unto their God. Enough, and more.

Then one day, a stranger appeared in Woldercan. And he said to the people: "Not enough! You are poor when you could be rich. You eat of humble fare when you could feast. You scratch at the ground, and the ground mocks you. You pray to your God and He laughs at you. Fools. Be gone from this blighted place. Fools." And suddenly people were not content. They listened to the stranger, and sold their souls for pieces of silver.

Then a fearful thing happened. The God of All Life looked down upon the people of Woldercan and was displeased. And he said: "Treasures I had given thee beyond compare, yet thou didst spurn them, and for a handful of silver sold thy souls." And because He had been angered, God pointed His finger and visited upon the city of Woldercan the greatest plague of all: Oblivion.

***

[Mayor]  The time has come when we must decide whether to accept Mr. Stark's terms.  But before the final vote is taken, I'd like to say, well, I'd simply like to say:  "Let your conscience be your guide."  Would a show of hands be satisfactory, Mr. Stark?

[Clint Stark]  Yes.

[Mayor]  All right then.  All those in favor of accepting Mr. Stark's proposal, raise your hands.  I said, "Those in favor of accepting Mr. Stark's proposal."  Those against?

[Clint Stark]  Citizens of Abalone, I've lost.  I want you to know it's the kind of loss I've wished for, a long time.  So I guess I've really won.  I think you ought to know the railroad's coming through Abalone, which means money for you.  But you've gained something more than money, my friends.  So have I.  How it happened I don't exactly know, but somehow I think we all owe a debt of gratitude to an old Chinese faker named Lao.

[Man]  Dust storm!

[Tim Mitchell]  Well, good night.

[Ed Cunningham]  Good night, Tim.

[Angela Benedict]  Good night.

[Ed Cunningham]  Isn't it a beautiful night?

[Angela Benedict]  Oh, yes, it's beautiful.

[Ed Cunningham]  It's getting worse!

[Angela Benedict]  You'd better stay a while, Ed.

[Ed Cunningham]  How do you feel? 

[Angela Benedict]  Wonderful.  I woke up and found out something. 

[Ed Cunningham]  Care to tell me?

[Angela Benedict]  Just that there's music in the air, and that I'm a liar and worse.  I'm in love.

***

[Carey]  And I say he's a hypnotist.

[Lucas]  Who?

[Carey]  That old Chinese faker.  The way I figure it, he's got everybody hypnotized.

[Lucas]  Dirty foreigner.

[Carey]  Harry, some more redeye, and fast!

[Lucas]  What do you suppose happened to the boss?

[Carey]  He turned yellow, that's what.  And I'm through with him.  You hear me?  Through!

[Lucas]  Carey, you know, you know, I think we ought to pay that little baldy a visit.

[Carey]  Yeah.  Shake him up a little.  You'll see how fast them people come to their senses.  We'll show them who's boss.

[Lucas]  What about the storm?

[Carey]  Well, who's afraid of an itty-bitty storm?

***

[Lucas]  Carey, how come the tent don't blow down?

[Carey]  He's got it hypnotized too.  He's got everything hypnotized except us.  Let's go.  Hey, Baldy.  Where are you?  Come on out, you old Chinese faker!

[Lucas]  Hey, Carey!  Have a look. 

[Carey]  Ruin it.  Ruin it.

[Lucas]  Hey, Carey!  Look here.  The fish.  Come here.  Carey, finish him off!

[Mike Benedict]  Dr. Lao, open up, Dr. Lao!  Hurry!  Dr. Lao!  Please open up!  Dr. Lao!  Please hurry!  It's Mr. Stark's men!  They're wrecking your circus!  They let your pet out.

[Dr. Lao]  Loch Ness monster out of tank?  Hey, look.  Wait.  Okay, Mike.  Oh, my pipe.  My pipe.

[Mike Benedict]  Over there!

[Carey]  Lucas, don't stand there!  Help me!  Oh, please.

[Mike Benedict]  Be careful!  Dr. Lao!

[Lucas]  Please!  Please!

[7 Faces of Dr. Lao]  Out.  Get out.  Get out.  Go.  Get out.  Out.

[Mike Benedict]  Dr. Lao!  Dr. Lao, look out!  He's gonna eat you!

[Dr. Lao]  My pipe.  My pipe!

[Mike Benedict]  Dr. Lao!  Dr. Lao, are you all right?

[Dr. Lao]  I guess so.  My glasses.  My glasses.  My glasses!  Here my glasses.  My pet.  Oh, I got him. Oh, I got him.  I got him.  I got him.  Okay.  That's show biz.  Come on, Mike.

***

[Tim Mitchell]  Look, the circus is gone.

[Angela Benedict]  Mike, I want you to tell the truth.

[Mike Benedict]  Honest, Mom.  I saw it with my own eyes.  It was bigger than a building.  It chased them out of town.  It was gonna eat up Dr. Lao.  But I lit the machine and it exploded, and then it began to rain and --

[Clint Stark]  This belongs to Lucas.  I recognize it.

[Mike Benedict]  You see.  Now you believe me, don't you?

[Mayor]  I believe something mighty fishy's been going on the past couple days.

[Mike Benedict]  There they are.

[Angela Benedict]  Michael!  Mike, come back here!

[Ed Cunningham]  Mike, come back here!

[Mike Benedict]  Dr. Lao, Dr. Lao!  Wait for me!

[Angela Benedict]  Mike!  Michael!  Come back!

[Mike Benedict]  Wait for me, Dr. Lao.  Wait for me.

[Angela Benedict]  Come back, Mike.

[Mike Benedict]  Wait for me, Dr. Lao!

[Angela Benedict]  I wonder where he came from.

[Ed Cunningham]  Or where he's going.

[Clint Stark]  Or if he was ever here at all.

[Mike Benedict]  I can do it.  You see, Dr. Lao, I can do it.  Look, Dr. Lao.  Watch me.  I can do it!

[Dr. Lao]  Mike, the whole world is a circus if you look at it the right way.  Every time you pick up a handful of dust and see not the dust but a mystery, a marvel, there in your hand.  Every time you stop and think:  "I'm alive, and being alive is fantastic."  Every time such a thing happens, Mike, you are a part of the Circus of Doctor Lao.

THE END.

Return to Table of Contents