TRUE LOVE CONQUERS ALL IN ROB REINER'S MASTERPIECE, "THE PRINCESS BRIDE"

Screen Caps From Rob Reiner's Masterpiece, "The Princess Bride"

The Bedroom: The Introduction

[In the opening scene, a young boy is sick in his bed, playing a video game. His Mother enters.]
Mother: [to her sick little boy] Hi Honey.
Kid: [mumbles quietly] Hi Mom.
Mother: You feeling any better?
Kid: A little bit.
Mother: Guess what?
Kid: What?
Mother: Your Grandfather is here.
Kid: [pleading] Mom, can't you tell him I'm sick...
Mother: You're sick? That's why he's here.
Kid: [distressed] He'll pinch my cheek...I hate that!
Mother: Maybe he won't...
[Enter the kid's Grandfather, also Narrator of The Princess Bride]
Grandfather: [entering the room] Heyyyyy...How's the sick? Huh? [pinching the kids cheek]
Mother: I think I'll leave you two pals alone.
Grandfather: I brought you a special present.
Kid: [excitedly] What is it?
Grandfather: Open it up.
Kid: [opening the gift] A book?
Grandfather: That's right, when I was your age, television was called books; and this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick and I used to read it to your father...and today, I'm gonna read it to you.
Kid: [less interested] Does it got any sports in it?
Grandfather: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...
Kid: It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.
Grandfather: Oh, well, thank you very much. That's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. Oh...alright...The Princess Bride by S. Morgenstern, Chapter 1.

The Farm: The Beginning

Narrator: Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin. Her favorite past-times were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Wesley. But she never called him that. Isn't that a wonderful beginning?
Kid: [with no enthusiasm] Yeah...it's really good.
Narrator: Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Wesley around.
Buttercup: Farmboy, varnish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.
Wesley: As you wish.
Narrator: 'As you wish' was all he ever said to her.
Buttercup: [holding two empty pails] Farmboy, fill these with water...please?
Wesley: As you wish.
Narrator: That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying 'as you wish,' what he meant was, 'I love you.' And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.
Buttercup: Farmboy, fetch me that pitcher.
Wesley: [taking the pitcher and whispering] As you wish...

The Bedroom: The 1st Interruption

Kid: [interrupting the story] Hold it! Hold it! What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where's the sports? Is this a kissing book?
Grandfather: Wait, just wait.
Kid: Well when does it get good?
Grandfather: Keep your shirt on and let me read.

The Farm: The Departure

Narrator: Wesley had no money for marriage so he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Buttercup.
Kid: I don't believe this!
Buttercup: [crying] I fear I will never see you again...
Wesley: Of course you will.
Buttercup: But what if something happens to you?
Wesley: Hear this now, I will always come for you.
Buttercup: But how can you be sure?
Wesley: This is true love. You think this happens every day? [They kiss and he leaves]

The Farm: The Death of Wesley

Narrator: Wesley didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Buttercup got the news that Wesley was murdered...
Kid: [interrupting] Murdered by pirates is good!
Narrator: [continuing] ...she went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept nor ate.
Buttercup: I will never love again.

The Courtyard: The Announcement

Narrator: Five years later the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the Great Prince Humperdinck's bride to be.
Humperdinck: [Trumpets blaring] My people! A month from now, our country will have its 500th Anniversary. On that sundown I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?!
Crowd: [echoing] Yes!!!
Humperdinck: My people, the Princess Buttercup!
Narrator: Buttercup's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Humperdinck the right to choose his bride, she did not love him. [The scene fades to Buttercup riding her horse the next morning.] Despite Humperdinck's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride.

The Boat: The Kidnapping

[Enter a Sicilian, a Spaniard, and a Giant]
Sicilian: [halting Buttercup] A word my lady? We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?
Buttercup: There is nothing nearby. Not for miles.
Sicilian: Then there will be no one to hear you scream...
[The Giant quickly grabs the princess by the neck, rendering her unconscious. They take the princess to their ship.]
Spaniard [Inigo Montoya]: What is that you're ripping?
Sicilian [Vizzini]: It's fabric from the uniform of any army officer of Guilder!
Giant [Fezzik]: Who is Guilder?
Vizzini: The country across the sea! The sworn enemy of Florin! [He attaches the cloth to Buttercup's horse] Go!!! Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince suspect that the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier his suspicions will be totally confirmed.
Fezzik: You never said anything about killing anyone!
Vizzini: [angrily] I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition!
Fezzik: I just don't think it's right...killing an innocent girl.
Vizzini: Am I going mad, or did the word 'think' escape your lips?!! You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass!!
Inigo: [interrupting] I agree with Fezzik.
Vizzini: Oh, the sot has spoken! What happens to her is not truly your concern. I will kill her! And remember this, never forget this; [yelling] When I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy brandy!!! [Turning to Fezzik] And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless!! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed, in Greenland!! [Vizzini walks away, angered, and sets the ship free.]

The Boat: The Rhyming

Inigo: Vizzini, he can...fuss.
Fezzik: Fuss...fuss...I think he likes to scream at us.
Inigo: Probably he means no...harm.
Fezzik: He's very, very short on...charm.
Inigo: You have a great gift for rhyme.
Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time.
Vizzini: [overhearing Fezzik] Enough of that!
Inigo: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
Fezzik: If there are, we all be dead.
Vizzini: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?
Vizzini: Aauuuggghhhhh!!!!!!

The Boat: The 'Local Fisherman'

[It is night-time, all three and the princess are still at sea.]
Vizzini: We'll reach the cliffs by dawn. Why are you doing that? [directed at Inigo who is staring behind]
Inigo: Making sure nobody's following us.
Vizzini: That would be inconceivable.
Buttercup: [jumps in] Despite what you think, you will be caught; and when you are, the prince will see you all hanged.
Vizzini: Of all the necks on this boat, highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own...[pausing, then glancing at Inigo] Stop doing that! We can all relax! It's almost over.
Inigo: You are sure nobody's follow us?
Vizzini: As I told you it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable! No one in Guilder knows what we've done, and no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast. [pauses] Out of curiosity, why do you ask?
Inigo: No reason. Suddenly, I just happened to look behind us and something is there.
Vizzini: [in disbelief] What?! [now, spying a ship in the distance] Probably...some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night...through eel infested waters.

The Boat: The Shrieking Eels

[Buttercup jumps overboard]
Vizzini: What?! Go in!! Go after her!!!
Inigo: [frankly] I don't swim.
Fezzik: [turning to Vizzini] I only dog-paddle...
Vizzini: Aauuuggghhhhh!!!!!!
Vizzini: Veer left!...left!...left! [suddenly, horrible screeching is heard] Do you know what that sound is, highness? Those are the shrieking eels! If you don't believe me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh! If you swim back now I promise no harm will come to you...I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels.

The Bedroom: The 1st Explanation

Grandfather: [Narrator] She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time.
Kid: What?
Grandfather: The eel doesn't get her...I'm explaining to you because you looked nervous.
Kid: Oh...I wasn't nervous. Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned but that's not the same thing.
Grandfather: ...Because we can stop now if you want.
Kid: No, you could read a little bit more, if you want.
Narrator: [reading Vizzini's part] 'Do you know what that sound is highness? Those are the shrieking eels!'
Kid: Pass that, Grandpa. You read it already.
Grandfather: Oh...oh my goodness, I did. I'm sorry. Beg your pardon. [now mumbling to himself] alright, alright, lets see...uh...she was in the water, the eel was going after her, she was frightened, the eel started to charge her and then...

The Boat: The Rescue

[Fezzik reaches out of the boat, hits the eel on the head, and pulls Buttercup back on Board]
Vizzini: Put her down! Just put her down!
Inigo: [looking back at the other ship again] I think he's getting closer!
Vizzini: He's no concern of ours! Sail on! [now, turning to Buttercup] I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?
Buttercup: Only compared to some.

The Cliffs of Insanity: The Rope Climb

[Dawn, the next morning]
Inigo: Look! He's right on top of us! I wonder if he's using the same wind we are using?
Vizzini: Whoever he is, he's too late! See! [pointing skyward] The Cliffs of Insanity!!! Hurry up! Move...the thing...and...that other thing! Move it!!! [climbing out] We're safe! Only Fezzik is strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail around for hours 'till he finds a harbor.
[Fezzik, all three holding on to him, proceeds to climb a rope up the side of the cliff.]
Inigo: [in amazement] He's climbing the rope....and he's gaining on us.
Vizzini: Inconceivable!....Faster!!
Fezzik: I thought I was going faster.
Vizzini: You were supposed to be this colossus, you were this great legendary thing and yet he gains!
Fezzik: Well, I'm carrying three people, and he got only himself.
Vizzini: I do not accept excuses! I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant, that's all.
Fezzik: Don't say that, Vizzini, please?
Vizzini: Did I make it clear that your job is at stake?

The Cliffs of Insanity: The Rock Climb

[Finally, Fezzik reaches the top. Vizzini quickly cuts through the rope with a dagger. Fezzik and Inigo peer over the edge of the cliff.]
Fezzik: He's got very good arms. [Vizzini comes over to look.]
Vizzini: He didn't fall! Inconceivable!
Inigo: [looking confused] You keep using that word? I do not think it means what you think it means...[looking back down] my god...he's climbing.
Vizzini: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the princess and must therefore die. [to Fezzik] You carry her. [to Inigo] We'll head straight for the Guilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine; if not, the sword.
Inigo: I'm going to do him left-handed.
Vizzini: You know what a hurry we're in!
Inigo: Well, it is the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, over too quickly.
Vizzini: Oh have it your way.
Fezzik: [to Inigo] You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted.
Vizzini: [impatiently] I'm waiting...
[Inigo practices a few steps. He then calls to the Man in black.]
Inigo: Hello there. Slow going?
Man in black: Look, I don't mean to be rude but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.
Inigo: [apologetic] Sorry.
Man in black: Thank you.
Inigo: [Inigo unsheathes his sword and practices more steps. Calls again to the Man in black.] I do not suppose you could speed things up?
Man in black: If you're in such a hurry you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do.
Inigo: I could do that. I have got some rope up here. But I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.
Man in black: That does put a damper on our relationship.
Inigo: ...but, I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.
Man in black: That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.
Inigo: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Spaniard?
Man in black: [struggling up the cliff side] No good. I've known too many Spaniards.
Inigo: Is there any way you'll trust me?
Man in black: Nothing comes to mind.
Inigo: [very seriously] I swear on the soul of my father, Domingo Montoya, you will reach the top alive.
Man in black: Throw me the rope.
[Inigo throws the rope to the Man in black, and helps him to the top where there's a clearing]

The Man In Black: The Conversation

Man in black: [exhausted] Thank you. [He struggles to draw his sword]
Inigo: Wait wait wait wait wait wait 'till you're ready.
Man in black: Again, thank you. [He sits and removes some stones from his boots]
Inigo: I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?
Man in black: [revealing his five fingers] Do you always begin conversations this way?
Inigo: My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man. He was a great sword-maker, my father. When the six-fingered man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He slaved a year before he was done.
[Inigo unsheathes his sword, and shows it to the Man in black]
Man in black: I've never seen its equal.
Inigo: Six-fingered man returned and demanded it...but at one-tenth his promised price. My father refused. Without a word, the six-fingered man slashed him through the heart. I loved my father, so naturally I challenged this man to a duel. I failed...six-fingered man leave me alive, but he gave me this [a scar on his cheek] and this [another scar].
Man in black: How old were you?
Inigo: I was eleven years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing; so the next time we meet I will not fail. I will go up to the six-fingered man and say 'Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.'
Man in black: [intrigued] You've done nothing but sword-play?
Inigo: More pursue more than study lately. You see, I cannot find him...it's been twenty years now and I'm starting to lose confidence. I just work for Vizzini to pay the bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge.
[After a moments silence, the Man in black stands up and prepares to battle]
Man in black: Well I....I certainly hope you find him someday.
Inigo: You all ready then?
Man in black: Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair.
Inigo: [drawing his sword] You seem a decent fellow...I hate to kill you.
Man in black: You seem a decent fellow...I hate to die.
Inigo: [confidently] Begin.

The Man In Black: The Fencing Match

[Slowly, a great battle ensues. Inigo tests the Man in black, and the Man in black tests Inigo. They continue to battle on.]
Inigo: You are using Bonetti's Defense against me, ah?
Man in black: I thought it fitting considering the rocky terrain.
Inigo: Naturally, you must suspect me to attack with Capa Ferro?
Man in black: Naturally...but I find that Thibault cancels out Capa Ferro. Don't you?
Inigo: Unless the enemy has studied his Agrippa...which I have.
[They continue to exchange attacks and parries]
Inigo: You are wonderful!
Man in black: Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.
Inigo: I admit it, you are better than I am.
Man in black: Then why are you smiling?
Inigo: Because I know something you don't know.
Man in black: And what is that?
Inigo: [switching hands] I am not left-handed!
[Inigo switches to his right hand, and appears to overwhelm the Man in black]
Man in black: You're amazing!
Inigo: I ought to be after twenty years.
Man in black: [struggling to keep Inigo away] There's something I ought to tell you.
Inigo: Tell me!
Man in black: I'm not left-handed either.
[The Man in black switches to his right hand, and performs a few amazing feats. They stop fencing for a brief moment.]
Inigo: [in awe] Who are you?
Man in black: No one of consequence.
Inigo: I must know.
Man in black: Get used to disappointment.
Inigo: [disappointed] Okay...
[The battle rages on again, this time, the Man in black is dominating. The Man in black knocks the sword out of Inigo's hand, and circles in behind him]
Inigo: [kneeling] Kill me quickly.
Man in black: I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either...
[The Man in black hits Inigo on the back of his head with the hilt of his sword, knocking him out.]
Man in black: [sincerely] Please understand I hold you in the highest respect.

The Man In Black: The Wrestling Match

[The Man in black runs off to find Vizzini. Vizzini spies the man in black from atop a huge hill.]
Vizzini: Inconceivable!! Give her to me! [taking Buttercup] Catch up with us quickly!
Fezzik: What do I do?
Vizzini: Finish him! Finish him...your way...
Fezzik: Oh good. My way. Thank you Vizzini. Which way's my way?
Vizzini: [irritated] Pick up one of those rocks, get behind a boulder, and in a few minutes the man in black will come running around the bend. The minute his HEAD is in view hit it with the rock!
Fezzik: [to himself] My way is not very sportsman-like.
[The Man in black proceeds up the hill, and is met by a rock crashing against a boulder right next to him.]
Fezzik: I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss.
Man in black: I believe you. [pauses] So what happens now?
Fezzik: We face each other as god intended; sportsman-like...no tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.
Man in black: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?
Fezzik: [holding up a large rock] I could kill you now...
Man in black: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.
Fezzik: It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise.
[The Man in black charges Fezzik, but cannot knock him down]
Man in black: [agitated] Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?
Fezzik: I just want you to feel you are doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed. [Fezzik grasps at him, but misses] You're quick!
Man in black: Good thing too.
Fezzik: [swinging at the man in black] Why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned by acid or something like that?
Man in black: Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future.
[The Man in black manages to jump onto Fezzik's back, and tries to choke him. Fezzik pushes his back against a boulder, almost knocking the wind out of the Man in black]
Fezzik: I just figured out why you would give me so much trouble.
Man in black: Why is that, do you think?
Fezzik: Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long...[struggles more with the man in black]...I've been specializing in groups, fighting gangs for local charities...that kind of thing.
Man in black: Why should that make such a [crash! pause] difference?
Fezzik: [slowing down] You see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people, then when you only have to worry about one.
[Fezzik falls to the ground, unconscious. The Man in black checks to see if he is still alive.]
Man in black: I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But in the meantime, rest well and dream of large women.

The Pursuit: The Fencing Match Revisited

[Enter Prince Humperdinck, the Count, and their guards, examining the battleground of Inigo and the Man in black]
Humperdinck: [examining the ground] There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over. They were both masters.
Count Rugen: Who won? How did it end?
Humperdinck: The loser ran off alone, and the winner followed those footprints toward Guilder...
Count Rugen: Shall we track them both?
Humperdinck: The loser is nothing. Only the princess matters. Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Guilder! We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead.
Count Rugen: Could this be a trap?
Humperdinck: I always think everything could be a trap. That is why I am still alive.
[Humperdinck and his men scurry off.]

The Man In Black: The Battle of Wits

[Meanwhile the Man in black finds and confronts Vizzini who is preparing to eat.]
Vizzini: So, it is down to you, and it is down to me...if you wish her dead, by all means keep moving forward.
Man in black: Let me explain...
Vizzini: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen.
Man in black: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?
Vizzini: There will be no arrangements...and you're killing her.
Man in black: But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
Vizzini: I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.
Man in black: You're that smart?
Vizzini: Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
Man in black: Yes.
Vizzini: Morons!
Man in black: Really! In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
Vizzini: For the princess? [Man in black nods] To the death? [Man in black nods again] I accept!
Man in black: Good, then pour the wine. [Vizzini pours the wine] Inhale this but do not touch.
Vizzini: [taking a vial from the man in black] I smell nothing.
Man in black: What you do not smell is Iocaine powder. It is odorless, tasteless, and dissolves instantly in liquid and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.
Vizzini: [shrugs with laughter] Hmmm.
Man in black: [turning his back, and adding the poison to one of the goblets] Alright, where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink - and find out who is right, and who is dead.
Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine it from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you...But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man in black: You've made your decision then?
Vizzini: [happily] Not remotely! Because Iocaine comes from Australia. As everyone knows, Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So, I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Man in black: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Vizzini: Wait 'till I get going!! ...where was I?
Man in black: Australia.
Vizzini: Yes! Australia! And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man in black: You're just stalling now.
Vizzini: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you! You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong...so you could have put the poison in your own goblet trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied...and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!
Man in black: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
Vizzini: It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!
Man in black: Then make your choice.
Vizzini: I will, and I choose...[pointing behind the man in black] What in the world can that be?
Man in black: [turning around, while Vizzini switches goblets] What?! Where?! I don't see anything.
Vizzini: Oh, well, I...I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. [Vizzini laughs]
Man in black: What's so funny?
Vizzini: I...I'll tell you in a minute. First, lets drink, me from my glass and you from yours.
[They both drink]
Man in black: You guessed wrong.
Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha, you fool!! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia; and only slightly less well known is this: Never go in against a Sicilian, when death is on the line!
[Vizzini continues to laugh hysterically. Suddenly, he stops and falls right over. The Man in black removes the blindfold from the princess.]
Buttercup: Who are you?
Man in black: I'm no one to be trifled with. That is all you'll ever need know.
Buttercup: And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.
Man in black: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up immunity to iocaine powder.

The Pursuit: The Wrestling Match Revisited

[The scene switches back to Humperdinck and his men]
Humperdinck: Some one has beaten a giant. There will be great suffering in Guilder if she dies.

The Man In Black: The Warning

[The scene jumps back to the Man in black, running with the princess]
Man in black: [stops] Catch your breath.
Buttercup: If you'll release me, whatever you ask for ransom you'll get it, I promise you.
Man in black: [laughing] And what is that worth... the promise of a woman...You're very funny highness.
Buttercup: [catching her breath] I was giving you a chance. It does not matter where you take me. There is no greater hunter than Prince Humperdinck. He can track a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find you.
Man in black: You think your dearest love will save you?
Buttercup: [insulted] I never said he was my dearest love. And yes, he will save me - that I know.
Man in black: [surprised] You admit to me you do not love your fiancé?
Buttercup: He knows I do not love him.
Man in black: [snapping] ...Are not capable of love is what you mean.
Buttercup: [taken back] I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream!
Man in black: [raising his hand at Buttercup] That was a warning, highness! The next time my hand flies on its own; where I come from there are penalties when a women lies.

The Pursuit: The Battle of Wits Revisited

[The scene cuts back to Humperdinck, examining the last battle scene]
Humperdinck: Iocaine! I'd bet my life on it. And there are the princess's footprints. She is alive, or was an hour ago...if she is otherwise, I shall be very put out!

The Man In Black: The Story

[Back to the Man in black, still running]
Man in black: Rest, highness.
Buttercup: I know who you are. Your cruelty reveals everything. You're the Dread Pirate Roberts, admit it!
Man in black: With pride. What can I do for you?
Buttercup: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.
Man in black: [shaking his head] Hardly complimentary, your highness...Why loose your venom on me?
Buttercup: [upset] You killed my love.
Man in black: It's possible, I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another prince like this one...ugly, rich, and scabby?
Buttercup: No, a farmboy...poor! Poor and perfect, with eyes like the sea after a storm. On the the high-seas your ship attacked, and the Dread Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners!
Man in black: I can't afford to make exceptions. I mean once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft people begin to disobey him and its nothing but work, work, work all the time.
Buttercup: You mock my pain!
Man in black: Life is pain, highness! Anyone who says differently is selling something. [pausing for a bit] I remember this farmboy of yours I think. This would be what? Five years ago? Does it bother you to hear?
Buttercup: Nothing you can say will upset me.
Man in black: He died well, that should please you. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said please, please, I need to live. It was the please that caught my memory. I asked what was so important for him; 'True love' he replied. And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness...I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are.
Buttercup: And what am I?
Man in black: Faithfulness he talked of, madam, your enduring faithfulness! Now tell me truly, when you found out he was gone did you get engaged to your prince that same hour or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?
Buttercup: You mocked me once! Never do it again! I died that day!

The Man In Black: The Hill

[The Man in black and Buttercup see Humperdinck's horses in the distance]
Buttercup: [pushing him down the hillside] You can die too, for all I care!!
Man in black: [tumbling down and echoing] As.......you.....wish.......
Buttercup: [shocked] Oh, my sweet Wesley, what have I done?
[Buttercup hurls herself down the mountain, in chase of Wesley.]

The Pursuit: The Disappearance

[Humperdinck moves closer]
Humperdinck: They disappeared. They must have seen us closing in, which might account for his panicking into error. Unless I'm wrong, and I'm never wrong, they are headed straight into the fire-swamp.

The Man In Black: The Hill Bottom

[Wesley and Buttercup finally cease falling. Wesley moves over to help Buttercup.]
Wesley: Can you move at all?
Buttercup: [joyous] Move? You're alive! If you want I could fly.
Wesley: [holding Buttercup] I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?
Buttercup: [sincerely] Well, you were dead.
Wesley: But death cannot stop true love...all it can do is delay it for awhile.
Buttercup: I will never doubt again.
Wesley: There will never be a need.
[Buttercup and Wesley kiss.]

The Bedroom: The 2nd Interruption

Kid: [interrupting the story] Oh, no! No. Please!
Grandfather: What is it? What's the matter?
Kid: [disgusted] They're kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing part?
Grandfather: Someday you might not mind so much.
Kid: Get on to the fire-swamp, that sounded good!
Grandfather: Oh...you're sick, I'll humor you. Oh, okay....[finds the right page]

The Man In Black: The Ravine Floor

Narrator: Wesley and Buttercup raced along the ravine floor.
Wesley: Aha! Your pig fiancé is too late! A few more steps and we'll be safe in the fire-swamp.
Buttercup: [worried] We'll never survive.
Wesley: [confident] Nonsense! You're only saying that because no one ever has.

The Fire-Swamp: The Flame Spurt

[They proceed into the dreary, damp swamp. Cautiously, they move on. The sounds of many creatures permeate the air.]
Wesley: It's not that bad...[receives a glance from Buttercup] ...well I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here but the trees are actually quite lovely.
[They continue through an eerie maze of trees. Suddenly, a popping sound is heard. A flame shoots up from the ground, catching Buttercup's dress on fire. She screams.]
Wesley: [calmly, smothering the flame] Well now, that was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you?
Buttercup: [nervously shaking her head no] You?
[Wesley simply shakes his head no, not losing an ounce of confidence. They continue. Suddenly another popping sound is heard. Wesley calmly lifts Buttercup out of harms way as a flame rises from the ground.]
Wesley: Well, one thing I will say; the fire swamp certainly does keep you on your toes.

The Fire-Swamp: The Explanation

Wesley: This will all soon be but a happy memory. [Wesley cuts through a mass of vines] Robert's ship Revenge is banked at the far end. And as you know I am Roberts.
Buttercup: But how's that possible, since he's been marauding 20 years and you only left me 5 years ago?
Wesley: I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks. See, what I told you before about saying please was true...it intrigued Roberts, as did my descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Roberts decided something. He said, 'Alright Wesley, I've never had a valet, you can try if you'd like. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.' For three years he said that. 'Good night Wesley, good work, sleep well, I'll most likely kill you in the morning.' It was a fine time for me - I was learning to fence, fight, anything anyone would teach me. Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened.
Buttercup: What? Go on.
Wesley: Well, Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. He took me to his cabin and told me his secret. 'I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts,' he said. 'My name is Ryar. I inherited this ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me.
Wesley: [continuing] The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Roberts either - his name was Cumberbun. The real Roberts had been retired 15 years and was living like a king in Patagonia.' [Buttercup pulls some branches out of the way.] Thank you. Then he explained the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Wesley. So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard for awhile as first mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been Roberts ever since. Except now that we're together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you?

The Fire-Swamp: The Lightning Sand

[Buttercup nods, but looks perplexed. She steps forward into a pit of sand and suddenly vanishes. Wesley, thinking quickly, cuts a vine and ties it around himself then plunges down in search of Buttercup. Moments later, they resurface, gasping for breath and coughing.]
Buttercup: We'll never succeed. We may as well die here.
Wesley: No, no. [still gasping] We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of the fire-swamp? One, the flame spurt - no problem - there's a popping sound preceding each. We can avoid that. Two, the lightning sand which you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.
Buttercup: Wesley, what about the R.O.U.S.'s?
Wesley: Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist.

The Fire-Swamp: The R.O.U.S.

[Just as Wesley finishes, a huge rodent jumps on top of him. The rodent bites Wesley on the shoulder. After some struggle, it breaks free and heads toward Buttercup.]
Buttercup: [screaming] Wesley!!
[Wesley jumps on the beast and Buttercup fends it away with a large branch. After much struggle, a popping sound is heard. A flame rises up and covers the rodent. Not quite dead, the rodent hobbles away, but Wesley gives chase and stabs it a few times, killing it.]

The Fire-Swamp: The Capture

[Wesley and Buttercup finally exit the fire-swamp, tired and worn.]
Buttercup: [triumphantly] We did it!
Wesley: Now, was that so terrible?
[They lean toward each other, and are about to kiss when...out of nowhere, the galloping of horses. Prince Humperdinck has found them.]
Humperdinck: Surrender!
Wesley: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well then, I accept.
Humperdinck: I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make yourself a fool.
Wesley: Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the fire-swamp. We can live there happily for some time, so whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit.
[Humperdinck's men surround Wesley and Buttercup with crossbows.]
Humperdinck: I tell you once again, surrender!
Wesley: It will not happen! [Wesley draws his sword]
Humperdinck: [shouting] For the last time, surrender!
Wesley: Death first!
Buttercup: [interrupting] Will you promise not to hurt him?
Humperdinck: What was that?
Wesley: What was that?
Buttercup: If we surrender, and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man?
Humperdinck: May I live a thousand years and never hunt again!
Buttercup: He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise to return him to his ship.
Humperdinck: I swear it will be done. [Humperdinck whispers to Count Rugen] Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Despair.
Count Rugen: I swear it will be done.
Buttercup: [to Wesley] I thought you were dead once, and it almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you.
[Buttercup is lifted onto Humperdinck's horse and taken away.]
Count Rugen: [to Wesley] Come sir, we must get you to your ship.
Wesley: We are men of action, lies do not become us.
Count Rugen: Well spoken sir. [He motions for the guards to escort him away. Wesley notices the Count has six fingers.] What is it?
Wesley: You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking for you...
[Count Rugen quickly knocks Wesley out with the hilt of his sword.]

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