TRUE LOVE CONQUERS ALL IN ROB REINER'S MASTERPIECE, "THE PRINCESS BRIDE"

The Pit of Despair: The Albino

[Enter an albino. The albino examines Wesley, who is tied down, and cleanses his wounds.]
Wesley: Where am I?
Albino: [in a raspy voice] The Pit of Despair....don't even think...cough, gag [The albino loses his raspy voice.] Don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't dream of being rescued either, the only way in is secret. Only the Prince, the Count and I know how to get in and out.
Wesley: Then I'm here 'till I die?
Albino: 'Till they kill you, yeah.
Wesley: Then why bother curing me?
Albino: Well, the Prince and the Count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken.
Wesley: So it's to be torture. [The albino gestures happily] I can cope with torture. [The albino vigorously shakes his head no.] You don't believe me?
Albino: You survived the fire-swamp, you must be very brave. But nobody withstands the machine.

The Nightmare: The King Dies

[The Castle]
[Buttercup roams the castle, saddened. Prince Humperdinck and Count Rugen are planning, and notice Buttercup.]
Humperdinck: She's been like that ever since the fire swamp. It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her.
Count Rugen: Of course.
Narrator: The King died that very night, and before the following dawn, Buttercup and Humperdinck were married. And at noon she met her subjects again, this time as their queen.
Humperdinck: [to anticipating crowd] My father's final words were...

The Bedroom: The 3rd Interruption

Kid: Hold it! Hold it! Grandpa, you read that wrong. She doesn't marry Humperdinck, she marries Wesley. I'm just sure of it...after all that Wesley did for her, if she didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair.
Grandfather: Well who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair?
Kid: [angry] I'm telling you, you're messing up the story! Now get it right!
Grandfather: Do you want me to go on with this?
Kid: [apologetic] Yes.
Grandfather: Alright then, no more interruptions. At noon she met her subjects again, this time as their queen.

The Nightmare: The Booer

Humperdinck: My father's final words were, 'Love her, as I loved her and there will be joy.? I present to you, your queen; Queen Buttercup.
[Buttercup comes out before the crowd. She is met by a hideous woman]
Woman: [in a horrid voice] Booooooo! Booooooo! Boooooooo!
Buttercup: [upset] Why do you do this?
Woman: Because you had love in your hands and you gave it up!
Buttercup: But they would have killed Wesley if I hadn't done it.
Woman: Your true love lives, and you marry another! True love saved her in the fire-swamp, and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she is, the Queen of Refuse. So bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence! Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo!
[Buttercup wakes up]
Narrator: It was ten days 'till the wedding. The king still lived, but Buttercup's nightmares were becoming steadily worse.
Kid: See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Humperdinck.
Narrator: Yes, you're very smart. Shut up.

The Quarters: The Deal

[Buttercup confronts Humperdinck in his quarters]
Buttercup: It comes to this: I love Wesley, I always have - I know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning.
Humperdinck: I could never cause you grief. Consider our wedding off. [turns to the Count] You um...returned this Wesley to his ship?
Count Rugen: [in a sly voice] Yes.
Humperdinck: Then we will simply alert him. Beloved, [to Buttercup] are you certain he still wants you? After all it was you who did the leaving in the fire-swamp. Not to mention that, uh, pirates are not known as men of their words.
Buttercup: My Wesley will always come for me.
Humperdinck: I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships, one in each direction. The Dread Pirate Roberts is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Wesley wants you, bless you both; if not, please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?

The Tree Grove: The Plot

[Count Rugen and Humperdinck are just outside the secret entrance to the Pit of Despair.]
Count Rugen: Your princess is quite a winning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps. Her appeal is undeniable.
Humperdinck: I know, the people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Vizzini to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will truly be outraged - they'll demand we go to war.
Count Rugen: [snickers, then examines a huge tree] Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find...[he finds it and the tree opens to reveal a hidden passage] Ah. Are you coming down into the pit? Wesley's got his strength back. I'm starting him on the machine tonight.
Humperdinck: [sincerely] Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work, but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it; I'm swamped.
Count Rugen: Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, then you haven't got anything. [smiles halfheartedly]
[Count Rugen enters the pit, and Humperdinck leaves the tree grove.]

The Pit of Despair: The Machine

Count Rugen: [admiring his torture contraption] Beautiful isn't it? It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and dividing interest in pain. Presently I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how the machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting.
[Count Rugen activates the water powered torture machine. Wesley writhes in great pain.]
Count Rugen: [calmly] As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Really that's all this is except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, lets just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?
[Wesley cries and moans in pain]
Count Rugen: Interesting.

The Quarters: The Orders

[Humperdinck again is in his quarters. Yellin, Humperdinck's man-at-arms, enters the room]
Humperdinck: Yellin.
Yellin: Sire.
Humperdinck: As chief enforcer of all Florin, I trust you with this secret: killers from Guilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night.
Yellin: [surprised] My spy network has heard no such news.
[Buttercup quietly enters]
Buttercup: Any word from Wesley?
Humperdinck: [startled] Too soon, my angel. Patience.
Buttercup: He will come for me. [Buttercup leaves]
Humperdinck: Of course. [turns to Yellin] She will not be murdered! On the day of the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied and every inhabitant arrested!
Yellin: [distraught] Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate.
Humperdinck: [angered] Form a brute squad then! I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed.
Yellin: It won't be easy, Sire.
Humperdinck: [sarcastically] Try ruling the world sometime.

The Thieves' Forest: The Drunk

Narrator: The day of the wedding arrived. The brute squad had their hands full carrying out Humperdinck's orders.
[The Thieves' Forest. Yellin and his men are clearing out the forest.]
Yellin: Is everybody out?
Brute: Almost. There's a Spaniard giving us some trouble.
Yellin: Well, you give him some...trouble. Move!

[Inigo is giving one of the guards a difficult time. Inigo is drunk.]
Inigo: [loud] I am waiting for you Vizzini! You told me to go back to the beginning, so I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will not be moved.
Brute: [angry] Ho there!
Inigo: [stumbling] I do not budge. Keep your ho there.
Brute: But the prince gave orders!
[Inigo jumps up and slashes at the brute with his sword. The guard is taken back.]
Inigo: I know you Vizzini...when the job went wrong you went back to the beginning...And this is where we got the job, so it's the beginning. And I am staying 'till Vizzini comes.
Brute: [calls out behind Inigo] You! Brute, come here!
Inigo: [mumbling to himself] I...am...waiting...for...Vizzini. [Just then, large hand grabs him from behind.]
Fezzik: You surely are a meany.
[Inigo looks up, and sees that it's Fezzik.]
Fezzik: Hello.
Inigo: It's you!
[The brute jumps in to see what's going on, but Fezzik knocks him out with one punch.]
Fezzik: You don't look so good...You don't smell so good either.
Inigo: Perhaps no. I feel fine... [Fezzik lets go of Inigo, who falls on his face]

The Thieves' Forest: The Sober

Narrator: Fezzik and Inigo were reunited, and as Fezzik nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told Inigo of Vizzini's death and the existence of Count Rugen, the six-fingered man. Considering Inigo's life-long search, he handled the news surprisingly well. [Inigo falls face first into a bowl of soup]. Fezzik took great care in reviving Inigo. [by repeatedly soaking his head in and out of hot and cold barrels of water.]
Inigo: [more sober] That's enough! That's enough! Where is this Rugen now, so I might kill him?
Fezzik: He's with the prince in the castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men.
Inigo: How many could you handle?
Fezzik: I don't think more than ten.
Inigo: [counting on his fingers] ...Leaving twenty for me. At my best I could never defeat that many. I need Vizzini to plan. I have no gift for strategy.
Fezzik: But Vizzini is dead.
Inigo: [inspired] No...not Vizzini. I need the Man in black.
Fezzik: What?
Inigo: Look, he bested you at strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Vizzini, and a man who can do that can plan my castle onslaught any day! Let's go!
Fezzik: Where?
Inigo: ...Find the Man in black obviously.
Fezzik: But you don't know where he is?
Inigo: Don't bother me with trifles, after twenty years at last my father's soul will be at peace. There will be blood tonight!

The Quarters: The Insult

[The scene moves back to Humperdinck, sharpening a dagger in his chambers. Yellin arrives.]
Humperdinck: Rise and report!
Yellin: The Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men guard the castle gate.
Humperdinck: Double it! My princess must be safe.
Yellin: The gate has but one key, and I carry that.
[Buttercup arrives]
Humperdinck: Ah, my dulcet darling! Tonight, we marry. [turns to Yellin] Tomorrow morning your men will escort us to Florin Channel, where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.
Buttercup: [disturbed] Every ship but your four fastest, you mean. [Humperdinck looks confused.] Every ship but the four you sent.
Humperdinck: [recovering badly] Yes. Yes of course. Naturally not those four.
Yellin: [feeling tension, he exits] Your majesty.
Buttercup: You never sent the ships. ******************************. Doesn't matter, Wesley will come for me anyway.
Humperdinck: You're a silly girl.
Buttercup: Yes I am a silly girl, for not having seen sooner that you were nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear.
Humperdinck: [outraged] I would not say such things if I were you.
Buttercup: Why not? You can't hurt me. Wesley and I are joined by the bonds of love, and you cannot track that; not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say you're a coward, it is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the Earth.
Humperdinck: [furious] I would not say such things if I were you!!! [He forcefully escorts Buttercup to her chamber, and locks her in.]

The Pit of Despair: The Death of Wesley (again)

[Humperdinck exits the castle and enters the Pit of Despair]
Humperdinck: [To Wesley] You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will. [Humperdinck sets the machine to the maximum of 50.]
Count Rugen: [screaming] Not to fifty!!

The Sound of Ultimate Suffering

[Wesley screams out in pain. The entire kingdom can hear his cries. Inigo and Fezzik hear the echoing noise from afar.]
Inigo: Fezzik! Fezzik! Listen. Do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Rugen slaughtered my father. The Man in black makes it now.
Fezzik: The Man in black?
Inigo: His true love is marrying another tonight. So who else is the cause for ultimate suffering. [Inigo and Fezzik push their way through a mass of people.] Excuse me. Pardon me, it's important. [They struggle to move even a few feet.] Fezzik, please?
Fezzik: [in a bellowing voice] EVERYBODY, MOVE!!!
Inigo: Thank you. [The whole crowd clears out, leaving a perfect path for the two.]

The Tree Grove: The Albino

[Inigo and Fezzik trace the screams to the tree grove where they find the Albino working with a wheel-barrow.]
Inigo: [to the Albino] Where is the man in black? You get that from this grove, yes? [No response] Fezzik, jog his memory.
[Fezzik hits the Albino on the top of his head, who falls over from the blow]
Fezzik: I'm sorry Inigo. I didn't mean to jog him so hard. Inigo?

The Tree Grove: The Guidance

[Inigo, not giving up, kneels on one leg, holding his sword high. He speaks:]
Inigo: Father, I have failed you for twenty years. Now our misery can end. Somewhere, somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I can not find him alone. I need you. I need you to guide my sword, please. Guide my sword.
[Inigo stands, eyes closed, and follows his sword. It sticks into a nearby tree. Inigo thinks he has failed. He leans against the tree, and the secret entrance is revealed.]

The Pit of Despair: The Diagnosis

[Fezzik and Inigo enter the Pit of Despair, where they find Wesley.]
Fezzik: [putting his ear to Wesley's chest] He's dead.
Inigo: This is no fair.

The Bedroom: The 4th Interruption

Kid: [jumping in, upset] Grandpa! Grandpa! Wait, wait. What did Fezzik mean, 'He's dead.' I mean, he didn't mean 'dead'? Wesley is only faking, right?
Grandfather: Do you want me to read this or not?
Kid: Who gets Humperdinck!
Grandfather: I don't understand?
Kid: [annoyed] Who kills Prince Humperdinck? At the end, someone's got to do it! Is it Inigo? Who?!
Grandfather: Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.
Kid: You mean he wins? Jesus, Grandpa! What did you read me this thing for?
Grandfather: You know, you...you've been very sick and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we'd better stop now.
Kid: No. I...I'm okay. I'm okay. Sit down. I'm alright.
Grandfather: Okay. Alright, now lets see...where were we? Oh, yes, in the Pit of Despair.

The Pit of Despair: The Body

Inigo: The Montoya's have never taken defeat easily. Come Fezzik, bring the body.
Fezzik: The body?
Inigo: Have you any money?
Fezzik: I have a little.
Inigo: I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.

The Cottage: The Miracle

[Inigo and Fezzik arrive with Wesley's body in front of a small wooden house. Inigo knocks on the door]
Voice: [from inside, irritated] Go away...
[Inigo knocks harder until a very old man answers. He looks through a hole cut in the door]
Max: [Old man] What?! What?!
Inigo: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?
Max: The king's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut, and pour lemon juice on it. We're closed! [Max closes a flap over the door hole, but Inigo still knocks] Beat it or I'll call the brute squad!
Fezzik: I'm on the brute squad.
Max: You are the brute squad!
Inigo: We need a miracle. It's very important.
Max: Look, I'm retired. Besides, why would you want someone the kings stinking son fired. I might kill whoever you want to make the miracle.
Inigo: He's already dead.
Max: He is, eh? I'll have a look. Bring him in. [They enter. Max slowly examines Wesley.] I've seen worse.
Inigo: Sir...sir.
Max: Huh?
Inigo: We're in a terrible rush.
Max: Don't rush me sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?
Inigo: Sixty-five.
Max: Sheesh! I never worked for so little; except once and that was a very noble cause.
Inigo: This is noble sir. His wife is...crippled...children on the brink of starvation...
Max: Are you a rotten liar.
Inigo: I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.
Max: Your first story was better. Where's that bellows cramp. He probably owes you money, huh. Well, I'll ask him.
Inigo: He's dead. He can't talk.
Max: Ooooohhh! Look who knows so much, eh! It just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth. [He inserts the bellows] Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do.
Inigo: What's that?
Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change. [Max pumps air into Wesley and yells at him] Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so important? Whatcha got here, that's worth living for? [Max pushes on Wesley's chest]
Wesley: [barely audible] True....love....
Inigo: [excited] True love! You heard him! You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.
Max: Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world; except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich - when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato's ripe. They're so perky. I love that. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said, 'to blaithe.' And as we all know, to blaithe means to bluff. So, you were probably playing cards and he cheated...
Old woman: [interrupting] Liar!! Liar!! Liarrrrrrr!
Max: Get back, witch!
Old woman: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore.
Max: You never had it so good. [Max smiles at Inigo]
Valerie: [Max's wife] True love, he said true love, Max!
Max: Don't say another word, Valerie...[Inigo looks on in disbelief]
Valerie: You're afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence has shattered.
Max: [yelling] Why'd you say that name?! You promised me that you would never say that name!
Valerie: What, Humperdinck?!
Max: [cringes] Ahh!!
Valerie: Humperdinck!
Max: Ahh!!
[Valerie is chasing Max around the room yelling. Max is covering his ears]
Valerie: Humperdinck!
Max: Ahh!!
Valerie: Humperdinck!
Max: Ahh!!
Valerie: [now in a sing-songy voice] Humperdinck.... Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
Max: I'm not listening!
Valerie: True love, life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!
Max: Nobody's hearing nothing!
Valerie: Humperdinck! [She continues to yell 'Humperdinck']
Inigo: [interrupting] This is Buttercup's true love. If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding!
Max: [to Valerie] Shut up!
Inigo: Thank you. Thank you.
Max: Wait, wait. I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?
Inigo: Humiliations galore!
Max: Ha ha!! That is a noble cause! Give me the sixty-five! I'm on the job!
[Max, with help from Valerie concocts a pill for Wesley.]
Inigo: That's a miracle pill?
Valerie: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But, you have to wait fifteen minutes before potency. And, he shouldn't go in swimming after for at least...
Max: [jumping in] An hour!
Valerie: An hour.
Max: ...a good hour...here. [gives Inigo the pill.]
Inigo: [leaving] Thank you for everything.
Max: Okay! [Inigo and Fezzik leave.]
Valerie: Bye bye, boys!
Max: Have fun storming the castle!
Valerie: [to Max] Think it will work?
Max: It would take a miracle.
Max and Valerie: [waving] Buh-bye!

The Courtyard: The Plan

[It's dusk. Inigo and Fezzik are just outside the castle, looking down at the main gate.]
Fezzik: Inigo, there's more than thirty!
Inigo: [propping up Wesley] What's the difference? We've got him! Help me here. We have to force-feed him.
Fezzik: Has it been fifteen minutes?
Inigo: We can't wait. The wedding is in half an hour. We must strike in the hustle and the bustle before hand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth. [Inigo puts the pill into Wesley's mouth.]
Fezzik: How long do we have to wait before we know if the miracle works?
Inigo: Your guess is as good as mine.
Wesley: [disoriented] I'll beat you both apart! I'll take you both together!
Fezzik: I guess not very long.
Wesley: Why won't my arms move?
Fezzik: You've been mostly dead all day.
Inigo: We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back.
Wesley: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Buttercup?
Inigo: Let me explain....no, there is too much. Let me sum up; Buttercup is marrying Humperdinck in little less than half an hour. So all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape - after I kill Count Rugen.
Wesley: That doesn't leave much for dilly-dally.
Fezzik: You just wiggled your finger! That's wonderful!
Wesley: I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities?
Inigo: There is but one working castle gate, and it is guarded by...[he looks]...sixty men.
Wesley: And our assets?
Inigo: Your brains, Fezzik's strength, my steel.
Wesley: That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan maybe I could come up with something. But this...[shakes his head no]
Fezzik: You just shook your head! That doesn't make you happy?
Wesley: My brains, his steel and your strength against sixty men and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmm?? I mean if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.
Inigo: Where did we put that wheelbarrow the Albino had?
Fezzik: Over the Albino, I think?
Wesley: Why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place?! [sigh] What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak...
Inigo: There we cannot help you.
Fezzik: [pulls a black cloak from under his shirt] Would this do?
Inigo: Where did you get that?
Fezzik: At Miracle Max's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it.
Wesley: Alright, alright, come help me up. [They help him up] Now I'll need a sword eventually.
Inigo: Why? You can't even lift one.
Wesley: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? Thank you. [Inigo gives him a sword.] Now, there may be problems once we're inside.
Inigo: I'll say. How do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do I escape?
Fezzik: Don't pester him, he's had a hard day.
Inigo: Right, right....sorry.
Fezzik: Inigo?
Inigo: What?
Fezzik: I hope we win.

The Honeymoon Suite: The Bride-to-be

[Inside the Castle]
Humperdinck: You don't seem excited my little muffin.
Buttercup: Should I be?
Humperdinck: Brides often are, I'm told.
Buttercup: I do not marry tonight. My Wesley will save me. [Buttercup leaves]

The Chapel: The Marriage

[In the chapel: Music blares. Humperdinck and Buttercup stand before a clergyman. The clergyman has a speech impediment.]
Clergyman: Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethaw today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam...
[From outside, the voice of Yellin is heard]
Yellin: Stand your ground, men! Stand your ground! Stand your ground!

The Courtyard: The Dread Pirate Roberts

[Fezzik is dressed in the black cloak, and being pushed from behind in the Wheelbarrow. He now looks enormous and fearsome!]
Fezzik: I am the Dread Pirate Roberts! There will be no survivors!
Inigo: Now?
Wesley: Not yet.
Fezzik: My men are here! I am here! ... but soon you will not be here!
Inigo: [barely holding up Fezzik] Now?!
Wesley: Light him! [They light Fezzik's robe with a torch]
Fezzik: The Dread Pirate Roberts takes no survivors! All your worst nightmares have but to come true!
[Most of the gate guards scatter in all directions]
The Chapel: The Love
[Inside]
Clergyman: Then wove, twue wove, will follow you fowever...

The Courtyard: The Soul

[Outside]
Fezzik: The Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your soul! [Yellin yells for the guards to fight. The rest run.]
The Chapel: The Ring
[Inside]
Clergyman: So tweasure youw...
Humperdinck: [interrupting] Skip to the end!
Clergyman: Have you the wing?
Buttercup: Here comes my Wesley now.
The Courtyard: The Portcullis
[Outside]
[Fezzik has removed the robe and all the guards except Yellin have fled.]
Wesley: Fezzik, the portcullis! [Fezzik lifts the portcullis with some trouble]
The Chapel: The Fear
[Inside]
Humperdinck: Your Wesley is dead. I killed him myself.
Buttercup: Then why is there fear behind your eyes.

The Courtyard: The Gate Key

[Outside]
Wesley: [to Yellin] Give us the gate key.
Yellin: I have no gate key.
Inigo: Fezzik, tear his arms off.
Yellin: Oh, you mean this gate key. [Yellin hands over the key]

The Chapel: The Man and Wife

[Inside]
Clergyman: Do you Pwincess Buttecwup...
Humperdinck: [annoyed] Man and wife! Say man and wife!
Clergyman: Man and Wife.
Humperdinck: Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly.
Buttercup: He didn't come...

The Chase: The Hallway

[Fezzik, Inigo and Wesley are in the castle. Fezzik is holding up Wesley. Inigo, leading the way, meets with Count Rugen and four of his guards.]
Count Rugen: Kill the dark one and the giant but leave the third for questioning.
[The guards try to rush by Inigo, but are no match for his brilliant swordsmanship. Inigo slays all four. Only Count Rugen remains.]
Inigo: Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

The Chase: The Door

[Just as Inigo and the Count prepare to duel, the Count turns around and runs away. Inigo chases after Count Rugen, who locks one of the doors behind him. Inigo is not strong enough to break through.]
Inigo: Fezzik! I need you!
Fezzik: I can't leave him [Wesley] alone!
Inigo: He's getting away from me Fezzik! Please!! Fezzik!
Fezzik: [to Wesley] I'll be right back. [Fezzik goes and knocks the door down easily]
Inigo: Thank you.

The Honeymoon Suite: The King is Kissed

[The King and Queen escort Buttercup from the chapel.]
King: Strange wedding...
Queen: Yes, a very strange wedding. Come along. [The Queen exits]
King: [Buttercup kisses him on the forehead] What was that for?
Buttercup: Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.
King: [happily] Won't that be nice...she kissed me! [He giggles]

The Chase: The Dagger is Thrown

[Count Rugen eventually runs into a dead end. Inigo is still giving chase. The Count removes a dagger from boot and surprises Inigo with it. Rugen throws it and stabs Inigo in the stomach.]
Inigo: [falling to his knees] Sorry father, I tried.
Count Rugen: You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible. You've been tracking me your whole life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I ever heard. How marvelous.

The Honeymoon Suite: The Perfect Breasts

[In the Honeymoon suite, Buttercup is preparing to kill herself with a knife. Unbeknownst to her, Wesley lies on her bed.]
Wesley: There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.
Buttercup: Wesley! Oh, Wesley darling! [she kisses him all over] Wesley, why won't you hold me?
Wesley: Gently... [Wesley has almost no strength.]
Buttercup: At a time like this, that is all you can think to say? Gently?
Wesley: Gently... [Buttercup accidentally bangs Wesley's head on the head-board of the bed]

The Chase: The Count's Last Stand

[The scene is back to Inigo and Count Rugen. Inigo pulls the dagger from his stomach and tries to stand.]
Count Rugen: Good heavens...are you still trying to win? You've got an over-developed sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday. [Rugen tries to slash Inigo through the heart, but Inigo blocks the attack. Rugen only stabs his arms.]
Inigo: Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. [Inigo still stumbles and holds his stomach. The Count and Inigo exchange attacks.] Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. [Inigo gains strength. He fiercely lunges at Count Rugen. Yelling] Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!
Count Rugen: [frightened and angry] Stop saying that! [Inigo nips Rugen]
Inigo: [enraged] Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die! [Inigo corners Count Rugen and slashes his cheek] Offer me money! [He slashes his other cheek]
Count Rugen: All that I have and more. Please...
Inigo: Offer me anything I ask for.
Count Rugen: Anything you want... [Count Rugen tries a quick move on Inigo]
Inigo: [plunging his sword into Rugen's chest] I want my father back, you son of a bitch! [Count Rugen falls to the floor, dead. Inigo runs off to find Wesley.]

The Honeymoon Suite: The Hideous Sin

[The Honeymoon suite]
Buttercup: Oh, Wesley, will you ever forgive me?
Wesley: What hideous sin have you committed lately?
Buttercup: I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast.
Wesley: It never happened.
Buttercup: What?
Wesley: It never happened.
Buttercup: But it did! I was there...this old man said man and wife.
Wesley: Did you say I do?
Buttercup: Uh...no. We sort of skipped that part.
Wesley: Then you're not married. You didn't say it. You didn't do it. Wouldn't you agree, your highness?

The Honeymoon Suite: The Pain

Humperdinck: [standing in the doorway] A technicality that will shortly be remedied...but first things first.. [He draws his sword] To the death!
Wesley: [slowly sitting up] No! To the pain!
Humperdinck: I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase?
Wesley: I'll explain, and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand. You warthog-faced-buffoon!
Humperdinck: [insulted] That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.
Wesley: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your your feet below the ankles, then your hands at your wrists. Next, your nose.
Humperdinck: Then my tongue, I suppose? I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
Wesley: I wasn't finished! The next thing you lose will be your left eye followed by your right!
Humperdinck: And then my ears...I understand! Let's get on with it!
Wesley: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why; so that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness is yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman that cries out, 'dear god what is that thing!' will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
Humperdinck: I think you're bluffing.
Wesley: It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable you miserable vomitous mass, I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength to stand after all. [Slowly, Wesley stands, his sword pointed at Humperdinck's chest.] Drop... your... sword. [Humperdinck throws his sword to the ground] Now have a seat. Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like.

The Honeymoon Suite: The Bluff is Discovered

[Buttercup ties up Humperdinck. Just then, Inigo comes in]
Inigo: Where's Fezzik?
Wesley: I thought he was with you? In that case...[Wesley starts to move then almost fall over.]
Inigo: [to Buttercup] Help him.
Buttercup: Why does Wesley need helping?
Inigo: Because he has no strength.
Humperdinck: I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! [Inigo points his sword at him] I knew he was...bluffing.
Inigo: Shall I dispatch him for you?
Wesley: Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life, alone with his cowardice.

The Honeymoon Suite: The Four White Horses

Fezzik: [from outside the window] Inigo! Inigo! Where are you? [Inigo runs to the window] Oh...there you are. Inigo, I saw the prince's stable, and there they were four white horses. And I thought there are four of us, if we ever find the lady. [Buttercup and Wesley run to the window to see Fezzik on a horse] Hello lady! So I took them with me in case we ever bumped into each other. But I guess we just did.
Inigo: Fezzik, you did something right.
Fezzik: Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.

The Honeymoon Suite: The Jump

[Buttercup jumps out of the window and is caught by Fezzik]

The Honeymoon Suite: The Window Talk

Inigo: You know, it's very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.
Wesley: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts. [Both leave.]

The End: The Ride to Freedom

Narrator: They rode to freedom. As dawn arose, Wesley and Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other...

The Bedroom: The 2nd Explanation

Kid: What?! What?!
Grandfather: Naah, it's kissing again. You don't want to hear that.
Kid: Well...I don't mind so much.
Grandfather: Okay.

The End: The Kiss

Narrator: Since the invention of the kiss, there had been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. THE END.

The Bedroom: The Conclusion

Grandfather: Now, I think you ought to go to sleep.
Kid: Okay...
Grandfather: [searching his pockets, making sure he forgot nothing] Okay... okay... okay...alright...shalom.
Kid: Grandpa. Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.
Grandfather: As you wish.

The Cast

Grandson [Kid] FRED SAVAGE
Grandfather PETER FALK
Buttercup ROBIN WRIGHT
Wesley CARY ELWES
Fezzik ANDRE THE GIANT
Inigo Montoya MANDY PATINKIN
Vizzini WALLACE SHAWN
Prince Humperdinck CHRIS SARANDON
Count Rugen CHRISTOPHER GUEST
Albino MEL SMITH
Old woman (BOOER) MARGERY MASON
Miracle Max BILLY CRYSTAL
Valerie CAROL KANE
Impressive Clergyman PETER COOK
King WILLOUGHBY GRAY
Queen ANNE DYSAN
Asst. Brute PAUL BADGER
Mother BETSY BRANTLEY
Yellin MALCOLM STORRY

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