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January 15, 2004
It is extremely hard for anyone
first arriving at Rigpa to see the full picture, indeed even in the
present day. Oscar has so well described the set up of people willing to
go beyond their personal boundaries in the name of spiritual
transformation. We swam in a sea of painful emotions, trusting that the
process would take us to the far shore.
Students walked the talk but
didn't talk the walk. We were all in the dark, hooked in by whatever it
was in our character that we thought was being transformed. I became very
good at masking my feelings. Far too proud to let on to anyone how deeply
upset I was by Sogyal's selfishness. This I expressed only to the man
himself and we had frequent blazing rows. I felt that many people were
embarrassingly sycophantic or so immersed in the stuff that was going on
with them and their own relationship with Sogyal, they walked around with
blinders on. I include myself in this last group, fixating on the light
and not understanding the dark undercurrent. Glorious people like Dilgo
Khyentse Rinpoche would come in all his magnificence, and our difficulties
would pale in his aura and the panache of the grand ceremonies. But there
were troubled waters lurking in those hidden depths as well. In the minds
of the young Lamas who felt trapped in what we took to be validation of
the reasons we were giving to allow our worlds to be ripped apart. The
light was bright and the dark impenetrable.
At one time (I don't know about
what was happening in the States) Sogyal had four main longstanding
relationships with women. Three French and myself. I think we contained
him because we treated him like a normal person. I was very fond of him
because he could be sweet and spontaneously childlike, warm and kind. It
was awkward bumping into the other women at retreats, but I couldn't
dislike them, they had fine qualities. I tended to give them a wide berth
as I worked on the idea of responsible non-monogamy. After a mutual
display of one-up-womanship, a kind of camaraderie and sympathy developed.
But it wasn't a healthy, responsible, non-monogamy that could endure. He
was too selfish and at times manipulative. I think he went through a lot
of stress himself creating a vast machine that almost engulfed him.
To begin with there was none of
the "I'm a re-incarnation of Padmasambhava" nonsense, but towards the end
it was creeping in. The writing was on the wall. I and the French women
left at around the same time. His treatment of us was unacceptable. Later
when I heard about what had befallen other women I was deeply shocked. The
court case was hushed up. I read about it in the newspaper and then no
more.
I know now that the Centre in the
South of France is flourishing. Sogyal has a small son from an American
woman with whom it was hoped he would settle down. He has the endorsement
of leading Lamas who count him as a friend and they all gather to have
their group photos taken at the end of retreats. All smiling and lying
through their teeth.
Just keep the show on the road
and stay out of Sogyal Rinpoche's personal problems. I would like, for his
sake as much as everyone's, that his personal problems are dealt with by
down to earth westernized Tibetans.
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