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by John Horgan
In the mid-1970’s, I spent a year
living in Philadelphia, and while there I took classes in Kundalini yoga.
The classes convened at a house, or ashram, inhabited by male and female
Kundalini devotees, all of them Americans. They all wore the traditional
white linen clothing and turbans of Hindu Brahmins. The lanky, bearded
head of the house taught the weekly classes, which consisted of tendon-
and spine-twisting postures, stomach crunches, repetition of the mantra
"sat nam," and dizzying breathing exercises, including a form of
hyperventilation called "breath of fire."
This form of yoga was introduced
to the U.S. by an Indian adept named Yogi Bhajan, who was said by my
Kundalini teacher to be completely enlightened. When Yogi Bhajan came to
Philadelphia and gave a talk at the university I was attending, I went to
see him. Swathed in white robes, he was a bearish, bearded, jolly man,
Santa Claus as swami. I cannot recall what Yogi Bhajan said, but I
remember being entranced. He exuded an intelligence and self-assurance
that seemed superhuman. He had a mischievous smile that hinted, "I know."
Before the talk, I had been tense and exhausted from studying for final
exams. Listening to Yogi Bhajan speak, I became strangely elated, and a
headache that had nagged me all day vanished. At the time, I attributed my
lift in mood to being in the presence of a fully enlightened being.
I mention this episode only to
show that for at least one evening decades ago I believed in the myth of
the totally enlightened guru. By total enlightenment, I mean not the
flashes of insight that occur during drug trips or meditation, which last
scarcely longer than an orgasm. Nor do I mean the down-graded
quasi-enlightenment that Ken Wilber and others speak of, which confers a
certain degree of detachment from the vicissitudes of existence but leaves
our needy, neurotic selves otherwise unchanged. No, I mean full-blown
enlightenment, the kind that Buddha supposedly achieved. Supreme wisdom
and grace and serenity, total self-transcendence, liberation from mundane
reality and morality. Not just a glimpse of heaven but permanent
habitation of it. This is the enlightenment that gurus such as Yogi Bhajan
supposedly attained and that they promised to devotees.
The totally enlightened guru is
in a sense another mystical technology. Through devotion to the
guru--which Hindus call guru yoga--we too may vault beyond this vale of
tears to the promised land of nirvana.
Over the past twenty years, the
myth of the totally enlightened guru has taken a beating, as one avatar
after another has been accused of depraved and even criminal behavior.
Given the scandalous behavior of so many self-proclaimed enlightened
masters, one can understand why Huston Smith insists that no mere mortal
can achieve total enlightenment, and why Ken Wilber contends that all
gurus—"no exceptions, none"--have feet of clay. But the myth of the
totally enlightened being has proven to be extraordinarily persistent.
Susan Blackmore and James Austin, as hard-nosed and skeptical as they are,
believe in total enlightenment, and I still feel the myth’s allure myself
now and then.
In the summer of 1996, I was
perusing a newsstand in Grand Central Station when I noticed a glossy
magazine titled What Is Enlightenment? The subtitle read: "Dedicated to
the discovery of what enlightenment is and what it really means."
According to its masthead, the magazine was published twice a year by
Moksha, an organization founded by a spiritual teacher named Andrew Cohen.
This particular issue, headlined "Is the Guru Dead?", addressed the
growing tendency of spiritual seekers and teachers to reject the notion of
the totally enlightened guru. The magazine explored this topic in an
article by George Feuerstein on crazy wisdom, as well as in interviews
with a Benedictine monk, a Russian Orthodox patriarch, a rabbi, and other
spiritual teachers.
The issue also featured a
vigorous defense of the myth of the totally enlightened guru by Andrew
Cohen, the magazine’s publisher. Just because some gurus fail us, Cohen
said, we should not conclude that all gurus are flawed—or that absolute
enlightenment is an unachievable ideal. "If such a goal is unattainable,"
Cohen wrote, that would mean "there really is no way out of the human
predicament." Reading between the lines, it was obvious that Cohen
believed himself to be totally enlightened.
Curious about Cohen, I did some
research on him and found that his history teems with conflicts and
contradictions. Born in 1955, he was a self-described neurotic adolescent
raised in New York City by unhappily married parents. His mother left the
family when he was eleven, and for four years he lived with his father.
After his father died in 1970 of a brain tumor, Cohen moved in with his
mother.
Shortly thereafter, when Andrew
was sixteen, he was talking to his mother late one night when he was
suddenly overcome with sensations of love, awe, and wonder. He "knew
without any doubt that there was no such thing as death and that life
itself had no beginning and no end," he recalled in his book Autobiography
of an Awakening.
As a result of reading The
Varieties of Religious Experience and other books, Cohen realized that he
had had a glimpse of mystical reality. For several years after this
experience, Cohen practiced drumming and fantasized about becoming a
professional jazz drummer. But in his early twenties he decided that he
could only achieve true happiness and contentment through permanent
mystical awakening: enlightenment. He studied under several spiritual
teachers, but each time he ended up disillusioned.
Cohen was traveling in India in
1986 when he encountered a guru named Poonjaji. Just after they met
Poonjaji told Cohen, "You don’t have to make any effort to be free," and
Cohen instantly was free. "I saw clearly that I never could have been
other than Free and that any idea or concept of bondage had always been
and could only ever be completely illusory," Cohen recalled in his book
Poonjaji assured Cohen that he was now totally enlightened—as much so as
Poonjaji’s own teacher, the legendary guru Ramana Maharshi--and urged him
to help others achieve that state.
As Cohen attracted a following,
however, Poonjaji complained to others that Cohen was a delusional
egomaniac. When he discovered what Poonjaji was saying behind his back,
Cohen sadly realized that his former guru was not totally enlightened, as
Cohen had believed. Cohen declared that not only Poonjaji but virtually
all other gurus are flawed; none are really as enlightened as they claimed
to be. True enlightenment, Cohen determined, requires a purity of thought
and behavior that vanishingly few mortals have attained. In his teachings,
Cohen made it clear that he had reached this pinnacle of perfection.
Others could reach it, too, but only through complete self-abnegation.
One of Cohen’s first devotees was
his mother, Luna Tarlo, a writer. After Cohen wrote her to announce his
"liberation," Tarlo left New York and joined her son in India. She was
initially overjoyed that she had become "the mother of God," but she and
her son eventually had a falling out. Tarlo wrote a scathing history of
her son’s ascent to guruhood and her disenchantment with him. Published in
1997, The Mother of God compares Cohen to cult leaders such as Jim Jones
and David Koresh, who led their followers to horrible deaths.
Tarlo’s concern is
understandable. Cohen has a spectacular case of the "I’m enlightened and
you’re not" syndrome. But Cohen is no ordinary narcissistic guru. What
sets him apart from other self-appointed deities—and what made him
intriguing to me--is his willingness to explore some of the difficult
questions raised by mystical teachings, including his own. His chief
vehicle for this intellectual exercise is What Is Enlightenment? The
journal is clearly Cohen’s. Each issue contains articles by him and
advertisements for his books, videos, and retreats. Photographs show Cohen
striking the classic guru poses, laughing blithely or gazing heroically
into space.
But the magazine also features
articles by and about a wide range of spiritual teachers, some with views
that diverge from or even directly contradict Cohen’s. Each issue wrestles
with a different topic: the tension between science and mysticism, the
westernization of eastern religions, the commercialization of
spirituality, the relationship between sexual and spiritual liberation.
The journal’s speculative, questioning tone contrasts sharply with the air
of certainty projected by Cohen in his writing and in his public talks.
I first saw Cohen in the flesh on
a blustery Sunday in early spring, when he gave a talk in a penthouse atop
Manhattan's posh St. Moritz Hotel. The lavishly chandeliered room was
packed with 150 or so people. They looked affluent and Bohemian, the kind
of crowd you would expect at a lecture on Beat poetry or hypertext novels
at the New York Public Library. There were a few excessively attractive
young men and women—models, I guessed. At the upper end of the age scale
was a petite, white-haired lady--70 years old, at least, and still seeking
a savior.
Five minutes after Cohen was
scheduled to appear, he strode briskly into the penthouse and took a seat
on a platform at the front of the room. He was shorter and slighter than I
expected, with dark hair and moustache. He wore western clothes: dark
slacks and a dark vest over a beige, short-sleeved shirt. He asked
everyone to join him in meditation, and the room fell silent for several
minutes; the only sounds were the howling of the wind and the scritching
of my pen. Even with his eyes closed, Cohen’s face was knotted with
concentration, as if he were multiplying large numbers in his head.
"Hello," Cohen said, opening his
eyes. "Hello," the audience replied as one.
With an eerily deadpan
expression, Cohen began talking about how our attachment to our
individuality prevents us from knowing our true, timeless selves. To
illustrate how our self-absorption blocks true vision, he held his book an
inch from his face, blocking our view of him. Liberation comes when we
abandon our pathetic little egos, he said, slamming the book down.
Our sexuality, Cohen emphasized,
may be the biggest trap of all. Caricaturing male sexuality, Cohen
clenched his fists and growled, "I’m a man." Switching to a simpering,
high-pitched voice, he said, "I’m a woman," while laying one hand on his
cheek, pursing his lips, and batting his eyelids. "Those are the major
categories," Cohen added dryly, getting a big laugh from the audience.
Gays and lesbians, he emphasized, may be even more invested in their
sexuality than heterosexuals.
Cohen’s demeanor was more
remarkable than his message. He punctuated his mocking riffs about human
vanity with an abrupt, barking laugh--"Ha!"--followed immediately by
"Sorry!" His eyes often seemed glazed, or focused on an invisible object a
few feet in front of him. Occasionally his eyelids fluttered and his eyes
rolled back into his head, so that only the whites showed. The first time
this happened, I glanced around to see how others were reacting, but no
one seemed surprised. At other times, Cohen zeroed in on one member of the
audience, his dark eyes gleaming with an almost demonic intensity.
I was recording these
observations in my notebook when Cohen stopped speaking. I looked up and
found him, and everyone else, staring at me. "You don’t have to take
notes," he said blandly. My face flushing, I put my pen and notebook away.
Afterward, Cohen seemed to keep his eye on me. When he spoke
contemptuously about "men," he looked my way. I felt as though I was on
probation.
Cohen took questions after his
talk. A woman in the front row wearing a knitted cap said she appreciated
what Cohen had said about sex roles. Her womanhood was complicating her
struggle with cancer. When chemotherapy made her hair fall out, she felt
so self-conscious and unfeminine. She couldn’t help but think that it
wouldn’t be so bad for a man. No one notices a bald man, but a bald
woman...
Cohen commanded her to take off
her cap. She did. Dark peach fuzz covered her skull. You don’t look so
bad, Cohen said, and actually, she didn’t. I had feared that the woman
would be mortified by being forced to expose herself, but she radiated
relief.
A burly, hairless man on the
opposite side of the room announced that he had thought about getting hair
plugs to counteract his baldness but had decided instead to shave all his
hair off. And it was amazing! He loved the feel of the wind on his skull
when he rode on his motorcycle! The older he got, the more he did what he
wanted to do rather than what others wanted him to do. And he was learning
to embrace uncertainty. He was a CEO, head of his own company, and
everyone expected him to have all the answers. But lately, when people
asked him for advice, he often answered, "I don’t know," and it was great!
Exhilarating! He felt more and more energy. He was no longer a zombie, he
was Zorba!
As Zorba kept telling us about
the fabulousness of his life, the tension in the room grew. Everyone
watched Cohen watch Zorba. Cohen remained stone-faced throughout Zorba’s
monologue. When Zorba paused to let us appreciate one of his witticisms,
Cohen said abruptly, "Next question," and looked around the room.
Immediately he was back in charge. He was the totally enlightened guru
here, not this bald blow-hard.
Two days after I heard Cohen
speak in New York, he agreed to meet me at a compound in western
Massachusetts that serves as his headquarters. The interview took place in
a spacious, high-ceilinged room containing a long wooden table on which
someone had placed a pitcher of water and two glasses. The room’s only
decorations were a vase stuffed with flowers and a photograph of Cohen.
After we sat at the table, Cohen asked me to remind him why I wanted to
speak to him.
As I responded, I was acutely
aware of Cohen watching me, and suddenly I thought he was reading my mind.
My heart raced, and my breathing became labored. Fortunately, this moment
of bizarre panic passed, and I managed to tell Cohen that I was writing a
book about mysticism. I wanted to explore whether mystical experience—and
especially the state known as enlightenment--can give us a knowledge that
we cannot get through science or any other means; Cohen’s magazine gave me
the impression that he is interested in issues like this.
Cohen nodded. His primary
interest is the relationship "between mystical experience and human life
and how to live," he said. "Because quite often spiritual seekers tend to
get vague about the relationship between mystical experience and"—he
paused—"what that means about life and how to live."
As he continued speaking, Cohen
seemed to drift in and out of focus. His eyes never rolled completely back
into his head, as they had in his talk at the Saint Moritz Hotel. But they
glazed over at times, as if he was distracted by some inner vision, then
locked onto mine with an unsettling directness. He kept his hands busy,
chopping the air, pounding the table, even touching my hand now and then.
Some of his riffs had an
incantatory effect. He spoke rapidly in a low, soft voice, often
reiterating a single idea with slight variations. Occasionally he labored
to find the right word. I found this trait disarming; rather than serving
up pre-packaged riffs, Cohen seemed to be thinking aloud, putting effort
into his responses. I also caught myself wondering: Would a truly
enlightened person ever be at a loss for words?
I decided to get my big question
out of the way early, although it came out not as a question but as a
statement: You are an enlightened person...
"Well, I, I..." Cohen, to my
gratification, seemed taken aback, but he quickly composed himself. "My
policy is not to answer questions like that. I'd like for other people to
make up their own minds." He paused. "You saw me teach the other night.
Wasn't the implication rather direct?"
Yes, it was, I replied.
Enlightenment "is possible. It is
real. And if you give enough of your heart and attention to that
understanding, to that experience, then you are going to be able to
realize it and manifest it yourself. Wasn't that the implication?"
Yes, it was.
"I wasn't holding back, was I?"
No, you weren't.
"I'm pretty bold."
You are pretty bold, I agreed.
"I've gotten in a lot of trouble
for being bold."
Actually, in certain respects,
Cohen was quite modest. He did not claim to have psychic powers—or even an
interest in paranormal phenomena. He found reincarnation plausible, but he
had no personal recollection of past lives. Nor had enlightenment given
him answers to deep metaphysical questions. Quite the contrary. "I live in
a strange state," he explained, "where the only thing that I'm sure of is
that I don't know." He gave me his dry smile. "But for some strange
reason, that seems to give me a kind of confidence that's very unusual."
Enlightenment does not solve the
mystery of existence, he said; it illuminates the mystery. Awakening
consists of knowing less and less and ultimately knowing nothing at all,
arriving at a place of perfect stillness and peace. But because the self
still desperately wants to know itself, this state of not-knowing
co-exists with "an energetic, passionate, awakened curiosity," which is
"part and parcel of the movement of creation itself." Ideally, Cohen said,
you remain poised between these two states of not-knowing and
wanting-to-know.
The question that fascinates
Cohen above all others is how nothing gave rise to something. "There was
nothing. Then, for a reason that nobody really knows, out of nothing came
something." He said nothing and something in a sing-song, Mr. Rogers-ish
voice, as if speaking to a toddler. Cohen did not claim to know the answer
to this question. "My personal opinion is there is never going to be an
answer to that question."
I asked if enlightenment reveals
any divine intelligence or plan according to which the universe unfolds.
"What that plan really is ultimately begins to depend on you," Cohen
replied with a wide-eyed grin. When you become enlightened, you "begin to
play a part in who and what God is and what his plan is for this moment,"
he said. "There is no God that is separate from that realization, that is
separate from you."
Cohen derided the
notion—promulgated by New Agers and traditional believers alike--that
everything that happens to us has been divinely ordained or at the very
least happens for a reason. "The narcissism in that kind of thinking is so
blatant, I mean, it's almost laughable."
Pain and suffering often occur in
a random fashion, Cohen assured me. He and his Indian-born wife, Alka,
were crossing a street in New York City a few years earlier when they were
hit by a car and almost killed. "I was going, ‘Why did this happen?’ And I
realized that it didn't happen for any particular reason. It just
happened."
Yet Cohen’s belief in his own
specialness kept coming to the fore. Those who are enlightened, he said,
by definition can do no wrong. They "are no longer acting out of
ignorance, in ways that are causing suffering to other people." They
display "an unusual and rare consistency" in "their words, in their deeds,
in their relationship to life." Over and over he emphasized how few have
reached his level of spirituality. Mystical experiences alone, he said, do
not lead to enlightenment; Cohen has known thousands of people who have
had "very powerful spiritual experiences" without truly transcending their
egos.
Cohen recalled meeting only two
fully enlightened people, both Indians: a guru named Aija, who was once
committed by his family to a mental hospital and spent years wandering
through India naked; and a woman named Vimala Thakar. None of Cohen’s
students have become liberated. To be sure, he said, many have had brief
awakenings; some had insights so strong that they wanted to become
teachers in their own right. But Cohen helped them to see that their
desire to leave Andrew and become independent teachers stemmed from
pridefulness.
I could not let this pass. I
pointed out that Cohen himself has said that he became fully liberated
only after dissolving his relationship with his guru, Poonjaji. Shouldn’t
he help his students achieve independence from him? Cohen shook his head.
He reminded me that Poonjaji was imperfect; if you find a truly
enlightened, perfect teacher, there is no reason to leave him.
"Let's say the Buddha was alive
today. Let's say someone that great, that enlightened, that pure, that
perfect, with such a great teaching, was still alive. I mean, could
someone be too attached to someone like that?"
Yes, I replied. I did not see how
you could be truly liberated while remaining dependent upon another human,
even one as great as the Buddha. But one cannot be too dependent upon a
truly enlightened person, Cohen said, exasperated. "The more attached you
get to a person like that, the more free, literally, you become."
Cohen derided the importance that
people in general, and westerners in particular, give to independence. He
had begun slapping the table to emphasize points. "Look," he said
forcefully. "Anybody"—Slap!—"who wants to be free is going to have to bend
his knee." The mind "must surrender!" Slap! "However that happens, it
doesn't really matter, as long as it happens." Liberation cannot occur
until the ego, the "root of all evil," is obliterated.
Enlightenment "is all about being
nobody. It's going from something to nothing, someone to no one." Even
some very powerful teachers still manifest egotistical pride, and a need
to be revered by their followers. "You can be a powerfully realized being
and be an egomaniac! You can be a super-egomaniac!"
Achieving total
self-transcendence is extraordinarily difficult, Cohen said. "You have to
leave the world and everyone in it behind forever and never return again.
Okay? To be an independent teacher"—Slap!—"in the way that I am, means
you...stand...alone."
Cohen has no friends in the usual
sense, and even his relationship with his wife is to some extent
impersonal. There is "no kind of personal relationship or personal
affection I have for anybody that is going to interfere with my interest
in the truth." If his personal desires ever interfere with his commitment
to truth, "then everything would fall apart!" Cohen erupted into
high-pitched, staccato laughter.
Living on the mountaintop may
have made Cohen cold. For a self-professed Bodhisattva, he was awfully
contemptuous of human frailty. He bragged to me about how he had scolded a
schizophrenic student for blaming his problems on his mental illness
instead of taking responsibility for himself. Cohen frowns on
psychotherapy, which he believes coddles the ego. Those who combine
spiritual practice with psychotherapy often have "a softness about them,
and a humility, a sensitivity," Cohen said. "But the fire of
liberation"—Slap!—"won't be coming out of their eyes!"
As a result of all Cohen’s
slapping, my glass of water had slid to the edge of the table and was
about to topple onto my lap. I slid it back to the center of the table.
One of my favorite issues of
Cohen’s journal What Is Enlightenment is titled "The Self Masters: Are
They Enlightened?" It considers the differences between eastern-style
gurus like Cohen and western "self masters" such as Anthony Robbins and
Jack LaLanne, who preach the power of positive thinking to make us healthy
and wealthy.
The issue features a comical
dialogue between the fitness mogul LaLanne and Cohen. Cohen keeps trying
to get LaLanne to talk about the need for submission to a higher power,
and LaLanne keeps reiterating that his success stems from his belief in
himself. Forget all this spirituality hooey, LaLanne declares. What people
need is a better diet, more exercise, and plain old positive thinking! By
the end of the interview, Cohen has been reduced to a nerdy New Ager
standing in awe before the force of nature that is Jack LaLanne.
In an introduction to the
interview, Cohen dismisses LaLanne’s philosophy as "one-dimensional," but
he also expresses admiration for the exercise guru: "How many of us can
claim to know the peace of mind and purity of heart of one such as Jack
LaLanne?"
I suspect that Cohen sees LaLanne
as a kindred spirit. For all his talk about our need for submission, Cohen
has forged his own guruhood out of sheer willpower and faith in himself.
If Cohen believes, unwaveringly, that he is the equivalent of Christ and
Buddha and other Bodhisattvas, then his belief will be—must be!—fulfilled.
Cohen describes enlightenment as
a form of not-knowing. And yet his guruhood, his entire life, revolves
around his belief in—his knowledge of--his own unsurpassed perfection. To
borrow a phrase, Cohen is a super-egomanic. His casual contempt for us
ordinary, egotistical humans is frightening, as is his belief that, as an
enlightened being who has transcended good and evil, he can do no harm.
Cohen may not be a monster, as his mother claims, but he has the capacity
to become one. If Cohen settled for being human instead of perfect, he’d
probably be a better teacher, and a better man.
After Cohen and I had spoken for
several hours, we ate a vegetarian lunch with two of his male students.
Both had an interest in science; they had helped put together an issue of
What Is Enlightenment? devoted to science. Aware that I am a science
writer, the two disciples asked my opinion of various fields, theories,
theorists. Delighted by their deference, I pontificated about superstring
theory, artificial intelligence, and other scientific arcana. Meanwhile,
part of me was aware of Cohen at my side, quietly watching me. I had a
sudden vision of how I looked through his eyes: vain, self-absorbed, smug
in my paltry knowledge. I silently gave thanks that I was not in thrall to
this guru. As soon as this lunch was over I would walk away from him, free
to be my flawed, foolish self.
Postscript: The Kripalu Affair
Several months after my meeting
with Andrew Cohen, my misgivings about the myth of total enlightenment
were enforced by a visit to Kripalu, a yoga center just down the street
from Cohen’s compound in Lenox, Massachusetts. One of Kripalu’s most
popular teachers is Michael Carroll, a whippet-thin man in his early 40’s
with short dark hair who is also known as Yoganand.
In the late 1970’s, when he was a
college student in South Carolina, he fell under the spell of an
up-and-coming Indian-born guru named Amrit Desai. Carroll dropped out of
college and followed Desai from South Carolina to Massachusetts, where
Desai established the Kripalu center.
In the late 1980’s, with Desai’s
encouragement, Carroll became a monk, who had no responsibilities except
the pursuit of total enlightenment. Desai gave Carroll a new name:
Yoganand. He shaved his head, wore a robe, and meditated at least ten
hours a day. His weight dropped to 108 pounds. Carroll practiced
Brahmacharya, a yogic discipline that prohibits sexual intercourse and
masturbation and discourages even casual interaction with members of the
opposite sex.
Although Desai was married and
had three children, he had told the community that he and his wife now
practiced Brahmacharya. Beginning in 1986, however, rumors circulated at
Kripalu that Desai had committed adultery with one and possibly more
female devotees. Desai publicly denied the charges. He also gave his
personal assurance to Carroll that he was innocent, and Carroll believed
him. Carroll and the rest of the Kripalu community were therefore
devastated in 1994 when their guru finally resigned after confessing to
several affairs.
Carroll described this period as
a kind of reverse awakening. He realized that he had devoted his entire
adult life to a man who, far from being an enlightened saint, was a liar
and philanderer. Approaching middle age, Carroll had never had a regular
job; except for a brief relationship in college, he had never been
involved with a woman. Renouncing his monkhood, he let his hair grow,
exchanged his robes for western clothes, began dating. Together with other
former devotees of Desai, he helped to recreate Kripalu as a guru-less
yoga school.
Carroll had many powerful
mystical visions during his years as a monk. Now the meaning of those
experiences had changed for him. Before he had seen them as steps taking
him toward enlightenment. Now, he no longer believed in enlightenment, at
least if it is defined as spiritual perfection. Nor did he believe in God,
an afterlife, reincarnation, or any absolute truth. How could he be
certain of anything, after what had happened to him?
Carroll saw the future as a great
mystery now. He had no idea where it would lead. He had traded his pursuit
of enlightenment for worldly ambitions. He wanted to be a successful yoga
teacher, and to help make Kripalu a successful center. He wanted to make
money, so that he could buy things for himself and his girlfriend. He was
thinking of writing a book. He still could not forgive the guru he had
once worshipped; he called Desai a "pervert" and "liar."
But to my mind, Carroll was
fortunate that his guru was a lying philanderer, and exposed as such. If
Amrit Desai had not been so imperfect, Carroll might still be living the
life of a monk, meditating for more than ten hours a day in pursuit of
enlightenment, sealed off from the messy, painful, baffling world.
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