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LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING |
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In a deep well of darkness a crippled robot sat. It had been silent in its metallic darkness for some time. It was cold and damp but, being a robot, it was supposed not to be able to notice these things. With an enormous effort of will, however, it did manage to notice them. Its brain had been harnessed to the central intelligence core of the Krikkit War Computer. It wasn't enjoying the experience, and neither was the central intelligence core of the Krikkit War Computer. The Krikkit robots who had salvaged this pathetic metal creature from the swamps of Sqornshellous Zeta had done so because they had recognized almost immediately its gigantic intelligence, and the use this could be to them. They hadn't reckoned with the attendant personality disorders, which the coldness, the darkness, the dampness, the crampedness and the loneliness were doing nothing to decrease. It was not happy with its task. Apart from anything else, the mere coordination of an entire planet's military strategy was only taking up a tiny part of its formidable mind, and the rest of it had become extremely bored. Having solved all the major mathematical, physical, chemical, biological, sociological, philosophical, etymological, meteorological and psychological problems of the Universe except his own, three times over, he was severely stuck for something to do, and had taken up composing short dolorous ditties of no tone, or indeed tune. The latest one was a lullaby. Marvin droned. Now the world has gone to bed, He paused to gather the artistic and emotional strength to tackle the next verse. Now I lay me down to sleep, "Marvin!" hissed a voice. His head snapped up, almost dislodging the intricate network of electrodes that connected him to the central Krikkit War Computer. An inspection hatch had opened and one of a pair of unruly heads was peering through while the other kept on jogging it by continually darting to look this way and that extremely nervously. "Oh, it's you," muttered the robot, "I might have known." "Hey, kid," said Zaphod in astonishment, "was that you singing just then?" "I am," Marvin acknowledged bitterly, "in particularly scintillating form at the moment." Zaphod poked his head in through the hatchway and looked around. "Are you alone?" he said. "Yes," said Marvin, "wearily I sit here, pain and misery my only companions. And vast intelligence of course. And infinite sorrow. And ..." "Yeah," said Zaphod, "hey, what's your connection with all this?" "This," said Marvin, indicating with his less damaged arm all the electrodes that connected him with the Krikkit computer. "Then," said Zaphod awkwardly, "1 guess you must have saved my life. Twice." "Three times," said Marvin. Zaphod's head snapped round (his other one was looking hawkishly in entirely the wrong direction) just in time to see the lethal killer robot directly behind him seize up and start to smoke. It staggered backward and slumped against a wall. It slid down it. It slipped sideways, threw its head back and started to sob inconsolably. Zaphod looked back at Marvin. "You must have a terrific outlook on life," he said. "Just don't even ask," said Marvin. "I won't," said Zaphod, and didn't. "Hey, look" he added, "you're doing a terrific job." "Which means, I suppose," said Marvin, and requiring only one ten thousand million billion trillion grillionth part of his mental powers to make this particular logical leap, "that you're not going to release me or anything like that." "Kid, you know I'd love to." "But you're not going to." "No." "I see." "You're working well." "Yes," said Marvin, "why stop now just when I'm hating it?" "I have to go find Trillian and the guys. Hey, you any idea where they are? I mean, I just got a planet to choose from. Could take a while." "They are very close," said Marvin dolefully. "You can monitor them from here if you like." "I better go get them," asserted Zaphod; "er, maybe they need some help, right?" "Maybe," said Marvin with unexpected authority in his lugubrious voice, "it would be better if you monitored them from here. That young girl," he added unexpectedly, "is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting." Zaphod took a moment or two to find his way through this labyrinthine string of negatives and emerged at the other end with surprise. "Trillian?" he said. "She's just a kid. Cute, yeah, but temperamental. You know how it is with women. Or perhaps you don't. I assume you don't. If you do I don't want to hear about it. Plug us in." "... totally manipulated." "What?" said Zaphod. It was Trillian speaking. He turned round. The wall against which the Krikkit robot was sobbing had lit up to reveal a scene taking place in some other unknown part of the Krikkit Robot War Zones. It seemed to be a council chamber of some kind -- Zaphod couldn't make it out too clearly because of the robot slumped against the screen. He tried to move the robot, but it was heavy with its grief and tried to bite him, so he just looked around it as best he could. "Just think about it," said Trillian's voice, "your history is just a series of freakishly improbable events. And I know an improbable event when I see one. Your complete isolation from the Galaxy was freakish for a start. Right out on the very edge with a Dust Cloud around you. It's a setup. Obviously." Zaphod was mad with frustration that he couldn't see the screen. The robot's head was obscuring his view of the people Trillian was talking to, its multifunctional battleclub was obscuring the background, and the elbow of the arm it had pressed tragically against its brow was obscuring Trillian herself. "Then," said Trillian, "this spaceship that crash-landed on your planet. That's really likely, isn't it? Have you any idea what the odds are against a drifting spaceship accidentally intersecting with the orbit of a planet?" "Hey," said Zaphod, "she doesn't know what the zark she's talking about. I've seen that spaceship. It's a fake. No deal." "I thought it might be," said Marvin from his prison behind Zaphod. " Oh yeah," said Zaphod, "it's easy for you to say that. I just told you. Anyway, I don't see what it's got to do with anything." "And especially," continued Trillian, "the odds against its intersecting with the orbit of the one planet in the Galaxy or with the whole of the Universe, as far as I know would be totally staggering. You don't know what the odds are? Nor do I, they're that big. Again, it's a setup. I wouldn't be surprised if that spaceship was just a fake." Zaphod managed to move the robot's battleclub. Behind it on the screen were the figures of Ford, Arthur and Slartibartfast, who appeared astonished and bewildered by the whole thing. "Hey, look," said Zaphod excitedly, "the guys are doing great. Rah, rah, rah! Go get 'em, guys." "And what about," said Trillian, "all this technology you suddenly managed to build for yourselves almost overnight? Most people would take thousands of years to do all that. Someone was feeding you what you needed to know, someone was keeping you at it. "I know, I know," she added in response to some unseen interruption, "I know you didn't realize it was going on. That is exactly my point. You never realized anything at all. Like this supernova bomb." "How do you know about that?" said an unseen voice. "I just know," said Trillian. "You expect me to believe that you are bright enough to invent something that brilliant and be too dumb to realize it would take you with it as well? That's not just stupid, that is spectacularly obtuse." "Hey, what's this bomb thing?" said Zaphod in alarm to Marvin. "The supernova bomb?" said Marvin. "It's a very, very small bomb." "Yeah?" "That would destroy the Universe completely," added Marvin. "Good idea, if you ask me. They won't get it to work though." "Why not, if it's so brilliant?" "It's brilliant," said Marvin, "they're not. They got as far as designing it before they were locked in the envelope. They've spent the last five years building it. They think they've got it right but they haven't. They're as stupid as any other organic life form. I hate them." Trillian was continuing. Zaphod tried to pull the Krikkit robot away by its leg, but it kicked and growled at him, and then quaked with a fresh outburst of sobbing. Then suddenly it slumped over and continued to express its feelings out of everybody's way on the floor. Trillian was standing alone in the middle of the chamber, tired but with fiercely burning eyes. Ranged in front of her were the pale-faced and wrinkled Elder Masters of Krikkit, motionless behind their widely curved control desk, staring at her with helpless fear and hatred. In front of them, equidistant between their control desk and the middle of the chamber, where Trillian stood, as if on trial, was a slim white pillar about four feet tall. On top of it stood a small white globe, about three, maybe four inches in diameter. Beside it stood a Krikkit robot with its multifunctional battleclub. "In fact," explained Trillian, "you are so dumb stupid ..." (She was sweating. Zaphod felt that this was an unattractive thing for her to be doing at this point.) "You are all so dumb stupid that I doubt, I very much doubt, if you've been able to build the bomb properly without any help from Hactar for the last five years." "Who's this guy Hactar?" said Zaphod, squaring his shoulders. If Marvin replied, Zaphod didn't hear him. All his attention was concentrated on the screen. One of the Elders of Krikkit made a small motion with his hand toward the Krikkit robot. The robot raised its club. "There's nothing I can do," said Marvin, "it's on an independent circuit from the others." "Wait," said Trillian. The Elder made a small motion. The robot halted. Trillian suddenly seemed very doubtful of her own judgment. "How do you know all this?" said Zaphod to Marvin at this point. "Computer records," said Marvin. "I have access." "You're very different, aren't you," said Trillian to the Elders, "from your fellow worldlings down on the ground? You've spent all your lives up here, unprotected by the atmosphere. You've been vulnerable. The rest of your race is very frightened, you know, they don't want you to do this. You're out of touch, why don't you check up?" The Krikkit Elder grew impatient. He made a gesture to the robot that was precisely the opposite of the gesture he had last made to it. The robot swung its battleclub. It hit the small white globe. The small white globe was the supernova bomb. *** It was a very, very small bomb that was designed to bring the entire Universe to an end. The supernova bomb flew through the air. It hit the back wall of the council chamber and dented it very badly. "So how does she know all this?" said Zaphod. Marvin kept a sullen silence. "Probably just bluffing," said Zaphod. "Poor kid, I should never have left her alone." "Hactar!" called Trillian. "What are you up to?" There was no reply from the enclosing darkness. Trillian waited, nervously. She was sure that she couldn't be wrong. She peered into the gloom from which she had been expecting some kind of response. But there was only cold silence. "Hactar?" she called again. "I would like you to meet my friend Arthur Dent. I wanted to go off with a Thunder God, but he wouldn't let me and I appreciate that. He made me realize where my affections really lay. Unfortunately Zaphod is too frightened by all this, so I brought Arthur instead. I'm not sure why I'm telling you all this. "Hello?" she said again. "Hactar?" And then it came. It was thin and feeble, like a voice carried on the wind from a great distance, half heard, a memory or a dream of a voice. "Won't you both come out," said this voice. "I promise that you will be perfectly safe." They glanced at each other, and then stepped out, improbably, along the shaft of light that streamed out of the open hatchway of the Heart of Gold into the dim granular darkness of the Dust Cloud. Arthur tried to hold her hand to steady and reassure her, but she wouldn't let him. He held on to his airline bag with its tin of Greek olive oil, its towel, its crumpled postcards of Santorini and its other odds and ends. He steadied and reassured that instead. They were standing on, and in, nothing. Murky, dusty nothing. Each grain of dust of the pulverized computer sparkled dimly as it turned and twisted slowly, catching the sunlight in the darkness. Each particle of the computer, each speck of dust held within itself, faintly and weakly, the pattern of the whole. In reducing the computer to dust the Silastic Armorfiends of Striterax had merely crippled the computer, not killed it. A weak and insubstantial field held the particles in slight relationship with each other. Arthur and Trillian stood, or rather floated, in the middle of this bizarre entity. They had nothing to breathe, but for the moment this seemed not to matter. Hactar kept his promise. They were safe. For the moment. "I have nothing to offer you by way of hospitality," said Hactar faintly, "but tricks of the light. It is possible to be comfortable with tricks of the light, though, if that is all you have." His voice evanesced, and in the dark a long, velvet paisley-covered sofa coalesced into hazy shape. Arthur could hardly bear the fact that it was the same sofa that had appeared to him in the fields of prehistoric Earth. He wanted to shout and shake with rage that the Universe kept doing these insanely bewildering things to him. He let this feeling subside, and then sat on the sofa -- carefully. Trillian sat on it, too. It was real. At least, if it wasn't real, it did support them, and as that is what sofas are supposed to do, this, by any test that mattered, was a real sofa. The voice on the solar wind breathed to them again. "I hope you are comfortable," it said. They nodded. "And I would like to congratulate you on the accuracy of your deductions." Arthur quickly pointed out that he hadn't deduced anything much himself, Trillian was the one. She had simply asked him along because he was interested in life, the Universe and everything. "That is something in which I, too, am interested," breathed Hactar. "Well," said Arthur, "we should have a chat about it sometime. Over a cup of tea." There slowly materialized in front of them a small wooden table on which sat a silver teapot, a bone china milk jug, a bone china sugar bowl and two bone china cups and saucers. Arthur reached forward, but they were just a trick of the light. He leaned back on the sofa, which was an illusion his body was prepared to accept as comfortable. "'Why," said Trillian, "do you feel you have to destroy the Universe?" She found it a little difficult talking into nothingness, with nothing on which to focus. Hactar obviously noticed this. He chuckled a ghostly chuckle. "If it's going to be that sort of session," he said, "we may as well have the right sort of setting." And now there materialized in front of them something new. It was the dim hazy image of a couch -- a psychiatrist's couch. The leather with which it was upholstered was shiny and sumptuous, but again, it was only a trick of the light. Around them, to complete the setting, was the hazy suggestion of wood-paneled walls. And then, on the couch, appeared the image of Hactar himself, and it was an eye-twisting image. The couch looked normal size for a psychiatrist's couch -- about five or six feet long. The computer looked normal size for a black spaceborne computer satellite -- about a thousand miles across. The illusion that the one was sitting on top of the other was the thing that made the eyes twist. "All right," said Trillian firmly. She stood up from the sofa. She felt that she was being asked to feel too comfortable and to accept too many illusions. "Very good," she said "Can you construct real things, too? I mean solid objects?" Again, there was the pause before the answer, as if the pulverized mind of Hactar had to collect its thoughts from the millions and millions of miles over which it was scattered. "Ah," he sighed, "you are thinking of the spaceship." Thoughts seemed to drift by them and through them, like waves through the ether. "Yes," he acknowledged, "I can. But it takes enormous effort and time. All I can do in my ... particle state, you see, is encourage and suggest. Encourage and suggest. And suggest ..." The image of Hactar on the couch seemed to billow and waver, as if finding it hard to maintain itself. It gathered new strength. "I can encourage and suggest," it said, "tiny pieces of space debris -- the odd minute meteor, a few molecules here, a few hydrogen atoms there -- to move together. I encourage them together. I can tease them into shape, but it takes many eons." "So, did you make," asked Trillian again, "the model of the wrecked spacecraft?" "Er ... yes," murmured Hactar, "I have made ... a few things. I can move them about. I made the spacecraft. It seemed best to do." Something at this point made Arthur pick up his tote bag from where he had left it on the sofa and grasp it tightly. The mist of Hactar's ancient shattered mind swirled about them as if uneasy dreams were moving through it. "I repented, you see," he murmured dolefully. "I repented of sabotaging my own design for the Silastic Armorfiends. It was not my place to make such decisions. I was created to fulfill a function and I failed in it. I negated my own existence." Hactar sighed, and they waited in silence for him to continue his story. "You were right," he said at length. "I deliberately nurtured the planet of Krikkit till they would arrive at the same state of mind as the Silastic Armorfiends, and require of me the design of the bomb I failed to make the first time. I wrapped myself around the planet and coddled it. Under the influence of events I was able to engineer, and influences I was able to generate, they learned to hate like maniacs. I had to make them live in the sky. On the ground my influences were too weak. "Without me, of course, when they were locked away from me in the envelope of Slo-Time, their responses became very confused and they were unable to manage. "Ah well, ah well," he added, "I was only trying to fulfill my function." And very gradually, very, very slowly, the images in the cloud began to fade, gently to melt away And then suddenly, they stopped fading. "There was also the matter of revenge, of course," said Hactar, with a sharpness that was new in his voice. "Remember," he said, "that I was pulverized, and then left in a crippled and semi-impotent state for billions of years. I honestly would rather like to wipe out the Universe. You would feel the same way, believe me." He paused again, as eddies swept through the dust. "But primarily," he said in his former, wistful tone, "I was trying to fulfill my function. Ah well." Trillian said, "Does it worry you that you have failed?" "Have I failed?" whispered Hactar. The image of the computer on the psychiatrist's couch began slowly to fade again. "Ah well, ah well," the fading voice intoned again, "no, failure doesn't bother me now." "You know what we have to do?" said Trillian, her voice cold and businesslike. "Yes," said Hactar, "you're going to disperse me. You are going to destroy my consciousness. Please be my guest -- after all these eons, oblivion is all I crave. If I haven't already fulfilled my function, then it's too late now. Thank you and good night." The sofa vanished. The tea table vanished. The couch and the computer vanished. The walls were gone. Arthur and Trillian made their cautious way back into the Heart of Gold. *** "Well, that," said Arthur, "would appear to be that." The flames danced higher in front of him and then subsided. A few last licks and they were gone, leaving him with just a pile of Ashes, where a few minutes previously there had been the Wooden Pillar of Nature and Spirituality. He scooped them off the hob of the Heart of Gold's Gamma Barbecue, put them in a paper bag and walked back onto the bridge. "I think we should take them back," he said. "I feel that very strongly." He had already had an argument with Slartibartfast on this matter, and eventually the old man had got annoyed and left. He had returned to his own ship, the Bistromath, had a furious row with the waiter and disappeared off into an entirely subjective idea of what space was. The argument had arisen because Arthur's idea of returning the Ashes to Lord's Cricket Ground at the same moment they were originally taken would involve traveling back in time a day or so, and this was precisely the sort of gratuitous and irresponsible mucking about that the Campaign for Real Time was trying to put a stop to. 'Yes," Arthur had said, "but you try and explain that to the M.C.C.," and would hear no more against the idea. "I think," he said again and stopped. The reason he started to say it again was that no one had listened to him the first time, and the reason he stopped was that it looked fairly clear that no one was going to listen to him this time either. Ford, Zaphod and Trillian were watching the visiscreen intently. Hactar was dispersing under pressure from a vibration field which the Heart of Gold was pumping into it. "What did it say?" asked Ford. "I thought I heard it say," said Trillian in a puzzled voice, "'What's done is done ... I have fulfilled my function ...'" "I think we should take these back," said Arthur, holding up the bag containing the Ashes. "I feel that very strongly." The sun was shining calmly on a scene of complete havoc. Smoke was still billowing across the burnt grass in the wake of the theft of the Ashes by the Krikkit robots. Through the smoke people were running panic-stricken, colliding with each other, tripping over stretchers, being arrested. One policeman was attempting to arrest Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged for insulting behavior, but was unable to prevent the tall gray green alien from returning to his ship and arrogantly flying away, thus causing even more panic and pandemonium. In the middle of this suddenly materialized for the second time that afternoon the figures of Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect, who had telephoned down out of the Heart of Gold which was now in parking orbit round the planet. "I can explain," shouted Arthur. "I have the Ashes! They're in this bag." "I don't think you have their attention," said Ford. "I have also helped save the Universe," called Arthur to anyone who was prepared to listen, in other words no one. "That should have been a crowd stopper," said Arthur to Ford. "It wasn't," said Ford. Arthur accosted a policeman who was running past. "Excuse me," he said, "the Ashes. I've got them. They were stolen by those white robots a moment ago. I've got them in this bag. They were part of the Key to the Slo-Time envelope, you see, and well, anyway, you can guess the rest, the point is I've got them and what should I do with them?" The policeman told him, but Arthur could only assume that he was speaking metaphorically. He wandered about disconsolately. "Is no one interested?" he shouted out. A man rushed past him and jogged his elbow; he dropped the paper bag and it spilled its contents all over the ground. Arthur stared down at it with a tight set mouth. Ford looked at him. "Wanna go now?" he said. Arthur heaved a heavy sigh. He looked around at the planet Earth, for what he was now certain would be the last time. "Okay," he said. At that moment, he caught sight, through the clearing smoke, of one of the wickets, still standing in spite of everything. "Hold on a moment," he said to Ford, "when I was a boy ..." "Can you tell me later?" "I had a passion for cricket, you know, but I wasn't very good at it." "Or nor at all if you prefer." "And I always dreamed, rather stupidly, that one day I would bowl at Lord's." He looked around him at the panic-stricken throng. No one was going to mind very much. "Okay," said Ford wearily, "get it over with. I shall be over there," he added, "being bored." He went and sat down on a patch of smoking grass. Arthur remembered that on their first visit there that afternoon, the cricket ball had actually landed in his bag, and he looked through the bag. He had already found the ball in it before he remembered that it wasn't the same bag that he'd had at the time. Still, there it was among the souvenirs of Greece. He took it out and polished it against his hip, spat on it and polished it again. He put the bag down. He was going to do this properly. He tossed the small hard red ball from hand to hand, feeling its weight. With a wonderful feeling of lightness and unconcern, he trotted off away from the wicket. A medium-fast pace, he decided, and measured a good long run up. He looked up into the sky. The birds were wheeling about it. A few white clouds scudded across it. The air was disturbed with the sound of police and ambulance sirens, and people screaming and yelling, but he felt curiously happy and untouched by it all. He was going to bowl a ball at Lord's. He turned, and pawed a couple of times at the ground with his bedroom slippers. He squared his shoulders, tossed the ball in the air and caught it again. He started to run. As he ran, he suddenly saw that standing at the wicket was a batsman. "Oh, good," he thought, "that should add a little ..." Then, as his running feet took him nearer he saw more clearly. The batsman standing ready at the wicket was not one of the England cricket team. He was not one of the Australian cricket team. It was one of the robot Krikkit team. It was a cold, hard, lethal white killer robot that presumably had not returned to its ship with the others. Quite a few thoughts collided in Arthur Dent's mind at this moment, but he didn't seem to be able to stop running. Time suddenly seemed to be going terribly, terribly slowly, but still he didn't seem to be able to stop running. Moving as if through syrup he slowly turned his troubled head and looked at his own hand, the hand that was holding the small hard red ball. His feet were pounding slowly onward, unstoppably, as he stared at the ball gripped in his helpless hand. It was emitting a deep red glow, and flashing intermittently. And still his feet were pounding inexorably forward. He looked at the Krikkit robot again standing implacably still and purposeful in front of him, battleclub raised in readiness. Its eyes were burning with a deep cold fascinating light, and Arthur could not move his own eyes from them. He seemed to be looking down a tunnel at them -- nothing on either side seemed to exist. Some of the thoughts that were colliding in his mind at this time were these: He felt a hell of a fool. He felt that he should have listened rather more carefully to a number of things he had heard said, phrases that now pounded round his mind as his feet pounded onward to the point where he would inevitably release the ball to the Krikkit robot, who would inevitably strike it. He remembered Hactar saying, "Have I failed? Failure doesn't bother me." He remembered the account of Hactar's dying words, "What's done is done. I have fulfilled my function." He remembered Hactar saying that he had managed to make "a few things." He remembered the sudden movement in his tote bag that had made him grip it tightly to himself when he was in the Dust Cloud. He remembered that he had traveled back in time a couple of days to come to Lord's again. He also remembered that he wasn't a very good bowler. He felt his arm coming round, gripping tightly onto the ball that he now knew for certain was the supernova bomb, which Hactar had built himself and planted on him, the bomb which would cause the Universe to come to an abrupt and premature end. He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife. He would feel very, very embarrassed meeting everybody. He hoped, he hoped, he hoped that his bowling was as bad as he remembered it to be, because that seemed to be the only thing now standing between this moment and universal oblivion. He felt his legs pounding, he felt his arm coming round, he felt his feet connecting with the airline bag he'd stupidly left lying on the ground in front of him, he felt himself falling heavily forward, but having his mind so terribly full of other things at this point, he completely forgot about hitting the ground and didn't. Still holding the ball firmly in his right hand he soared up into the air whimpering with surprise. He wheeled and whirled through the air, spinning out of control. He twisted down toward the ground, flinging himself hectically through the air, at the same time hurling the bomb harmlessly off into the distance. He hurtled toward the astounded robot from behind. It still had its multifunctional battleclub raised, but had suddenly been deprived of anything to hit. With a sudden mad outburst of strength, he wrested the battleclub from the grip of the startled robot, executed a dazzling banking turn in the air, hurtled back down in a furious power dive and with one crazy swing knocked the robot's head from the robot's shoulders. "Are you coming now?" said Ford. And at the end they traveled again. There was a time when Arthur Dent would not. He said that the Bistromathic Drive had revealed to him that time and distance were one, that mind and Universe were one, that perception and reality were one, and that the more one traveled the more one stayed in one place, and that what with one thing and another he would rather just stay put for a while and sort it all out in his mind, which was now at one with the Universe so it shouldn't take too long and he could get a good rest afterward, put in a little flying practice and learn to cook, which he had always meant to do. The can of Greek olive oil was now his most prized possession, and he said that the way it had unexpectedly turned up in his life had again given him a certain sense of the oneness of things, which, which made him feel that ... He yawned and fell asleep. In the morning as they prepared to take him to some quiet and idyllic planet where they wouldn't mind his talking like that, they suddenly picked up a computer-driven distress call and diverted to investigate. A small but apparently undamaged spacecraft of the Merida class seemed to be dancing a strange little jig through the void. A brief computer scan revealed that the ship was fine, its computer was fine but that its pilot was mad. "Half-mad, half-mad," the man insisted as they carried him, raving, aboard. He was a journalist with the Sidereal Daily Mentioner. They sedated him and sent Marvin in to keep him company until he promised to try to talk sense. "I was covering a trial," he said at last, "on Argabuthon." He pushed himself up onto his thin and wasted shoulders; his eyes stared wildly. His white hair seemed to be waving at someone it knew in the next room. "Easy, easy," said Ford. Trillian put a soothing hand on his shoulder. The man sank back down again, and stared at the ceiling of the ship's sick bay. "The case," he said, "is now immaterial, but there was a witness ... a witness ... a man called ... called Prak. A strange and difficult man. They were eventually forced to administer a drug to make him tell the truth, a truth drug." His eyes rolled helplessly in his head. "They gave him too much," he said in a tiny whimper. "they gave him much too much." He started to cry. "I think the robots must have jogged the surgeon's arm." "Robots?" asked Zaphod sharply. "What robots?" "Some white robots," whispered the man hoarsely, "broke into the courtroom and stole the Judge's Scepter, the Argabuthon Scepter of Justice, nasty plastic thing. I don't know why they wanted it" -- he began to cry again -- "and I think they jogged the surgeon's arm ..." He shook his head loosely from side to side, helplessly, sadly, his eyes screwed up in pain. "And when the trial continued," he said in a weeping whisper, "they asked Prak a most unfortunate thing. They asked him" -- he paused and shivered -- "to tell the Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth. Only, don't you see?" He suddenly hoisted himself up onto his elbows again and shouted at them. "They'd given him much too much of the drug!" He collapsed again, moaning quietly. "Much too much too much too much too ..." The group gathered around his bedside glanced at one another. There were goose bumps on backs. "What happened?" said Zaphod at last. "Oh, he told it all right," said the man savagely, "for all I know he's still telling it now. Strange, terrible things ... terrible terrible!" he screamed. They tried to calm him, but he struggled to his elbows again. "Terrible things, incomprehensible things," he shouted, "things that would drive a man mad!" He stared wildly at them. "Or in my case," he said, "half-mad. I'm a journalist." "You mean," said Arthur quietly, "that you are used to confronting the truth?" "No," said the man with a puzzled frown, "1 mean that I made an excuse and left early." He collapsed into a coma from which he recovered only once and briefly. On that one occasion, they discovered from him the following: When it became clear what was happening, and as it became clear that Prak could not be stopped, that here was truth in its absolute and final form, the court was cleared. Not only cleared, it was sealed up, with Prak still in it. Steel walls were erected around it, and, just to be on the safe side, barbed wire, electric fences, crocodile swamps and three major armies were installed, so that no one would ever have to hear Prak speak. "That's a pity," said Arthur. "I'd like to hear what he has to say. Presumably he would know what the Question to the Ultimate Answer is. It's always bothered me that we never found out." "Think of a number," said the computer, "any number." Arthur told the computer the telephone number of King's Cross railway station passenger inquiries, on the grounds that it must have some function, and this might turn out to be it. The computer injected the number into the ship's reconstituted Improbability Drive. In Relativity, Matter tells Space how to curve, and Space tells Matter how to move. The Heart of Gold told space to get knotted, and parked itself neatly within the inner steel perimeter of the Argabuthon Chamber of Law. *** The courtroom was an austere place, a large dark chamber, clearly designed for justice rather than, for instance, pleasure. You wouldn't hold a dinner party there, at least not a successful one. The decor would get your guests down. The ceilings were high, vaulted and very dark. Shadows lurked there with grim determination. The paneling for the walls and benches, the cladding of the heavy pillars, all were carved from the darkest and most severe trees in the fearsome Forest of Arglebard. The massive black podium of justice which dominated the center of the chamber was a monster of gravity. If a sunbeam had ever managed to slink this far into the justice complex of Argabuthon it would have turned around and slunk straight back out again. *** Arthur and Trillian were the first in, while Ford and Zaphod bravely kept a watch on their rear. At first it seemed totally dark and deserted. Their footsteps echoed hollowly round the chamber. This seemed curious. All the defenses were still in position and operative around the outside of the building, they had run scan checks. Therefore, they had assumed, the truth-telling must still be going on. But there was nothing. Then, as their eyes became accustomed to the darkness they spotted a dull red glow in a corner, and behind the glow a live shadow. They swung a flashlight round onto it. Prak was lounging on a bench, smoking a listless cigarette. "Hi," he said, with a little half-wave. His voice echoed through the chamber. He was a little man with scraggy hair. He sat with his shoulders hunched forward and his head and knees kept jiggling. He took a drag of his cigarette. They stared at him. "What's going on?" said Trillian. "Nothing," said the man, and jiggled his shoulders. Arthur shone his flashlight full on Prak's face. "We thought," he said, "that you were meant to be telling the Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth." "Oh, that," said Prak, "yeah. I was. I finished. There's not nearly as much of it as people imagine. Some of it's pretty funny though." He suddenly exploded into about three seconds of maniacal laughter and stopped again. He sat there, jiggling his head and knees. He dragged on his cigarette with a strange half-smile. Ford and Zaphod came forward out of the shadows. "Tell us about it," said Ford. "Oh, I can't remember any of it now," said Prak. "I thought of writing some of it down, but first I couldn't find a pencil, and then I thought, why bother?" There was a long silence, during which they thought they could feel the Universe age a little. Prak stared into the light. "None of it?" said Arthur at last. "You can remember none of it?" "No. Except most of the good bits were about frogs, I remember that." Suddenly he was hooting with laughter again and stamping his feet on the ground. "You would not believe some of the things about frogs," he gasped. "Come on, let's go out and find ourselves a frog. Boy, will I ever see them in a new light!" He leaped to his feet and did a tiny little dance. Then he stopped and rook a long drag at his cigarette. "Let's find a frog I can laugh at," he said simply. " Anyway, who are you guys?" "We came to find you," said Trillian, deliberately not keeping the disappointment out of her voice. "My name is Trillian." Prak jiggled his head. "Ford Prefect," said Ford Prefect with a shrug. Prak jiggled his head. "And I," said Zaphod, when he judged that the silence was once again deep enough to allow an announcement of such gravity to be tossed in lightly, "am Zaphod Beeblebrox." Prak jiggled his head. "Who's this guy?" said Prak, jiggling his shoulder at Arthur, who was standing silent for a moment, lost in disappointed thoughts. "Me?" said Arthur. "Oh, my name's Arthur Dent." Prak's eyes popped out of his head. "No kidding?" he yelped. "You are Arthur Dent? The Arthur Dent?" He staggered backward, clutching his stomach and convulsed with fresh paroxysms of laughter. "Hey, just think of meeting you!" he gasped. "Boy," he shouted, "you are the most ... wow, you just leave the frogs standing!" He howled and screamed with laughter. He fell over backward onto the bench. He hollered and yelled in hysterics. He cried with laughter, kicked his legs in the air, he beat his chest. Gradually he subsided, panting. He looked at them. He looked at Arthur. He fell back again howling with laughter. Eventually he fell asleep. Arthur stood there with his lips twitching while the others carried Prak comatose on to the ship. *** "Before we picked up Prak," said Arthur, "I was going to leave. I still want to, and I think I should do so as soon as possible." The others nodded in silence, a silence only slightly undermined by the heavily muffled and distant sound of hysterical laughter that came drifting from Prak's cabin at the farthest end of the ship. "We have questioned him," continued Arthur, "or at least, you have questioned him -- I, as you know, can't go near him -- on everything, and he doesn't really seem to have anything to contribute. Just the occasional snippet, and things I don't wish to hear about frogs." The others tried not to smirk. "Now, I am the first to appreciate a joke," said Arthur, and then had to wait for the others to stop laughing. "I am the first ..." He stopped again. This time he stopped and listened to the silence. There actually was silence this time, and it had come very suddenly. Prak was quiet. For days they had lived with constant maniacal laughter ringing round the ship, only occasionally relieved by short periods of light giggling and sleep. Arthur's very soul was clenched with paranoia. This was not the silence of sleep. A buzzer sounded. A glance at a board told them that the buzzer had been sounded by Prak. "He's not well," said Trillian, quietly. "The constant laughing is completely wrecking his body." Arthur's lips twitched but he said nothing. "We'd better go and see him," said Trillian. *** Trillian came out of the cabin wearing her serious face. "He wants you to go in," she said to Arthur, who was wearing his glum and tight-lipped one. He thrust his hands deep into his dressing- gown pockets and tried to think of something to say which wouldn't sound petty. It seemed terribly unfair, but he couldn't. "Please," said Trillian. He shrugged, and went in, taking his glum and tight-lipped face with him, despite the reaction this always provoked from Prak. He looked down at his tormentor, who was lying quietly on the bed, ashen and wasted. His breathing was very shallow. Ford and Zaphod were standing by the bed looking awkward. "You wanted to ask me something," said Prak in a thin voice and coughed slightly. Just the cough made Arthur stiffen, but it passed and subsided. "How do you know that?" he asked. Prak shrugged weakly. "'Cos it's true," he said simply. Arthur rook the point. "Yes," he said at last in rather a strained drawl, "I did have a question. Or rather, what I actually have is an answer. I wanted to know what the question was. Prak nodded sympathetically, and Arthur relaxed a little. "It's ... well, it's a long story," he said, "bur the question I would like to know, is the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything. All we know about it is that the Answer is Forty-two, which is a little aggravating." Prak nodded again. "Forty-two," he said, "yes, that's right." He paused. Shadows of thought and memory crossed his face like the shadows of clouds crossing the land. "I'm afraid," he said at last, "that the Question and the Answer are mutually exclusive. Knowledge of one logically precludes knowledge of the other. It is impossible that both can ever be known about the same Universe." He paused again. Disappointment crept into Arthur's face and snuggled down into its accustomed place. "Except," said Prak, struggling to sort a thought out, "if it happened, it seems that the Question and the Answer would just cancel each other out, and take the Universe with them, which would then be replaced by something even more bizarrely inexplicable. It is possible that this has already happened," he added with a weak smile, "but there is a certain amount of uncertainty about it." A little giggle brushed through him. Arthur sat down on a stool. "Oh, well," he said with resignation, "I was just hoping there would be some sort of reason." "Do you know," said Prak, "the story of the reason?" Arthur said that he didn't, and Prak said that he knew that he didn't. He told it. One night, he said, a spaceship appeared in the sky of a planet that had never seen one before. The planet was Dalforsas, the ship was this one. It appeared as a brilliant new star moving silently across the heavens. Primitive Tribesmen who were sitting huddled on the Cold Hillsides looked up from their steaming night drinks and pointed with trembling fingers, and swore that they had seen a sign, a sign from their Gods that meant that they must now arise at last and go and slay the evil Princes of the Plains. In the high turrets of their palaces, the Princes of the Plains looked up and saw the shining star, and received it unmistakably as a sign from their Gods that they must go and attack the accursed Tribesmen of the Cold Hillsides. And between them, the Dwellers in the Forest looked up into the sky and saw the sign of the new star, and saw it with fear and apprehension, for though they had never seen anything like it before, they, too, knew precisely what it foreshadowed, and they bowed their heads in despair. They knew that when the rains came, it was a sign. When the rains departed, it was a sign. When the winds rose, it was a sign. When the winds fell, it was a sign. When in the land there was born at the midnight of a full moon a goat with three heads, that was a sign. When in the land there was born at some time in the afternoon a perfectly normal car or pig with no birth complications, or even just a child with a retrousse nose, that, too, would often be taken as a sign. So there was no doubt at all that a new star in the sky was a sign of a particularly spectacular order. And each new sign signified the same thing -- that the Princes of the Plains and the Tribesmen of the Cold Hillsides were about to beat the hell out of each other again. This in itself wouldn't be so bad, except that the Princes of the Plains and the Tribesmen of the Cold Hillsides always elected to beat the hell out of each other in the Forest, and it was always the Dwellers in the Forest who came off worst in these exchanges, though as far as they could see it never had anything to do with them. And sometimes, after some of the worst of these outrages, the Dwellers in the Forest would send a Messenger to either the Leader of the Princes of the Plains or the Leader of the Tribesmen of the Cold Hillsides and demand to know the reason for this intolerable behavior. And the Leader, whichever one it was, would take the Messenger aside and explain the reason to him, slowly and carefully, and with great attention to the considerable detail involved. And the terrible thing was, it was a very good one. It was very clear, very rational and tough. The Messenger would hang his head and feel sad and foolish that he had not realized what a tough and complex place the real world was, and what difficulties and paradoxes had to be embraced if one was to live in it. "Now do you understand?" the Leader would say. The Messenger would nod dumbly. "And you see these battles have to take place?" Another dumb nod. "And why they have to take place in the Forest, and why it is in everybody's best interest. the Forest Dwellers included, that they should?" "Er ..." "In the long run." "Er, yes." And the Messenger did understand the reason, and he returned to his people in the Forest. But as he approached them, as he walked through the Forest and among the trees, he found that all he could remember of the reason was how terribly clear the argument had seemed. What it actually was, he couldn't remember at all. And this, of course, was a great comfort when next the Tribesmen and the Princes came hacking and burning their way through the Forest, killing every Forest Dweller in their way. *** Prak paused in his story and coughed pathetically. "I was the Messenger," he said, "after the battles precipitated by the appearance of your ship, which were particularly savage. Many of our people died. I thought I could bring the reason back. I went, and was told it by the Leader of the Princes, but on the way back it slipped and melted away in my mind like snow in the sun. That was many years ago, and much has happened since then." He looked up at Arthur, and giggled again very gently. "There is one other thing I can remember from the truth drug, apart from the frogs, and that is God's last message to his creation. Would you like to hear it?" For a moment they didn't know whether to take him seriously. "'S true," he said, "for real. I mean it." His chest heaved weakly and he struggled for breath. His head lolled slightly. "I wasn't very impressed with it when I first knew what it was," he said, "but now I think back to how impressed I was by the Prince's reason, and how soon afterward I couldn't recall it at all, I think it might be a lot more helpful. Would you like to know what it is? Would you?" They nodded dumbly. "I bet you would. If you're that interested I suggest you go and look for it. It is written in thirty-foot-high letters of fire on top of the Quentulus Quazgar Mountains in the land of Sevorbeupstry on the planet Preliumtarn, third out from the sun Zarss in Galactic Sector QQ7 ActiveJ Gamma. It is guarded by the Lajestic Vantrashell of Lob." There was a long silence following this announcement, which was finally broken by Arthur. "Sorry, it's where?" he said. "It is written," repeated Prak, "in thirty-foot-high letters of fire on top of the Quenrulus Quazgar Mountains in the land of Sevorbeupstry on the planet Preliumtarn, third out from the ..." "Sorry," said Arthur again, "which mountains?" "The Quenrulus Quazgar Mountains in the land of Sevorbeupstry on the planet ..." "Which land was that? I didn't quite catch it." "Sevorbeupsrry, on the planet ..." "Sevorbe what?" "Oh, for heaven's sake," said Prak, and died testily. *** In the following days Arthur thought a little about this message, but in the end he decided that he was not going to allow himself to be drawn by it, and insisted on following his original plan of finding a nice little world somewhere to settle down and lead a quiet retired life. Having saved the Universe twice in one day he thought that he could take things a little easier from now on. They dropped him off on the planet Krikkit, which was now once again a pleasant idyllic pastoral world, even if the songs did occasionally get on his nerves. He spent a lot of time flying. He learned to communicate with birds and discovered that their conversation was fantastically boring. It was all to do with wind speed, wingspans, power-to-weight ratios and a fair bit about berries. Unfortunately, he discovered, once you have learned birdspeak you quickly come to realize that the air is full of it the whole time, just inane bird chatter. There is no getting away from it. For that reason Arthur eventually gave up the sport and learned to live on the ground and love it, despite the inane charter he heard down there as well. One day he was walking through the fields humming a ravishing tune he'd heard recently when a silver spaceship descended from the sky and landed in front of him. A hatchway opened, a ramp extended and a tall gray green alien marched out and approached him. "Arthur Phili ..." it said, then glanced sharply ay him, and down at his clipboard. It frowned. It looked up at him again. "I've done you before, haven't I?" it said.
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