THE GURU -- SCREENPLAY

directed by Daisy von Scherler Mayer, starring Heather Graham, Marisa Tomei and Jimi Mistry

Written by Tracey Jackson

Screenplay Transcribed from the Movie by Tara Carreon

[Mystical sitar music]

[Celebratory Indian music]

[Sings joyous song]

[Sings joyously in response]

[Upbeat rock 'n' roll music]

I got chills
They're multiplyin'
And I'm losin' control
'Cause the power you're supplyin'
It's electrifyin'
You're the one that I want
You are the one I want
Oo-oo-oo, honey
The one that I want
You are the one I want
Oo-oo-oo, honey
The one that I want
You are the one I want
Oo-oo-oo

[Upbeat dance music]

RAMU: You can all dance like that.

INDIAN WOMAN: No. Impossible.

RAMU: You can. Dance is like love. Just move your feet to the beat of your heart. Go, yes! Come on, follow your inner beat! Come on, ladies. Move your feet to the beat of your heart.

[Women giggle and laugh]

[Music stops]

RAMU: I told you you could do it. Ladies, I have an announcement. I'm sad to say that today will be my last day here at Shanti Dance and Modern Movement.

INDIAN WOMAN: What?

INDIAN WOMAN: No.

RAMU: Next week, my classes will be taken over by Sister Munju Murthi, a nun from Kerala.

INDIAN WOMAN: But why? Where are you going?

RAMU: To America.

INDIAN WOMAN: You're going to drive a cab there?

RAMU: A cab? No way. I'm going to be a star.

INDIAN WOMAN: You can do that?

RAMU: Well, of course you can. Anything's possible in America. Look at my friend, Vijay Rao.

INDIAN WOMAN: The one with the red Mercedes?

INDIAN WOMAN: And the penthouse?

RAMU: He went there with nothing. No job, no money, no visa, and he's a big success.

INDIAN WOMAN: I don't want to dance with any nun.

[Slow Indian backbeat]

GIRL 1: 'Bye, Ramu.

RAMU: 'Bye. Take care.

GIRL 2: 'Bye. We'll miss you.

[Upbeat instrumental Indian music]

[Engines and motors revving]

[Upbeat Indian song]

MRS. GUPTA: I wanted a spring wedding. I was going to bake a mango cake.

MR. GUPTA: You'll end up working in some restaurant.

MRS. GUPTA: With bad food.

MR. GUPTA: And soon you'll be back, begging your father for a decent life.

RAMU: Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm better off staying here and becoming a salaried man.

NANIMA: Don't even say that.

RAMU: But I tell my students, "Move your feet to the beat of your heart." And my heart is telling me to go to America. I dreamt of it my whole life. Don't worry. I'll be fine.

NANIMA: You'll not only be fine. You'll be famous.

MIRA: Like Ricky Martin.

RAMU: Mira, be careful!

MIRA: Your bike!

VIJAY: Hey, man, can I get your autograph? So your flight was good?

RAMU: Yeah, it was good man.

VIJAY: And your sister. How's your sister?

RAMU: Okay. Is the Mercedes in the shop or something?

VIJAY: Or something.

RAMU: This is the penthouse.

VIJAY: It's the top floor.

RAMU: It's the only floor. You're a real bastard, you know that?

VIJAY: Come on, yaar. If I told you the truth, you never would've come. Immigration! Open up!

SANJIV: Oh, shit, oh shit.

VIJAY: INS! This is Amit. He's a nerd.

AMIT: What's up, yaar?

VIJAY: That's Sanjiv. He's illegal. And an idiot!

SANJIV: Bhen ki lohdi! Yeah, I was reading, Vij. Oh. Hey, Ramu. Kya kar rahe ho, baba? Welcome. So good to meet you. Now the rent goes down.

VIJAY: Now welcome my boy Ram to America.

EVERYONE: Peerah! Peerah! Peerah! Peerah! Peerah!

RAMU: To America!

NEIGHBOR: Shut the fuck up!

RAMU: I know it's been a while, but ... The penthouse is beautiful. Vijay's doing really well. No, no, no, no, New York is great.

VIJAY: Cook says your samosas are getting cold.

RAMU: That was the butler. My samosas are getting cold. I better go, Nanima. Namaste.

[Restaurant chatter]

[Slow sitar strumming]

PATRON: The guy's totally lame. I mean, how long can that guy go for the "working late" crap? What is this? I ordered chicken tikka masala.

RAMU: That is chicken tikka masala, sir.

PATRON: [Mimicking accent] That is not chicken tikka masala, sir.

RAMU: That is definitely chicken tikka masala.

PATRON: Dude, I know chicken fucking tikka masala, and that's not it. So how about you taking your skinny brown ass back down to the kitchen and get me some?

RAMU: Yes, sir. I'm sorry, dude.

WOMAN: Oh, my God.

[Shocked gasps from other patrons]

VIJAY: No chance. I even told him you got 10 kids and your wife's in a wheelchair.

RAMU: I don't care. I don't want that stupid job back.

VIJAY: Come on, man. You got a roof over your head and food in your belly. What more do you want?

RAMU: I want what you promised me in your letters. So did you, Vij. The penthouse, the Mercedes. So what happened to your business empire, huh? What happened to that?

VIJAY: It's not that easy.

RAMU: I don't want it to be easy. I just want my chance. Look, maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe all I can do is be a waiter, but I want my chance to find out. Isn't that the American dream?

VIJAY: You're a fool. Do you know why they call it the American dream? Because it only happens when you're asleep.

[Upbeat Indian instrumental music]

DWAIN: Next!

RAMU: I'm here for the audition. Ramu Gupta.

DWAIN: Tell me something I don't know.

RAMU: My mother comes from Hyderabad. My father wanted to marry a Muslim girl, but his family wouldn't let him.

DWAIN: Everybody's a comedian. What'd you say your name was?

RAMU: Ram Chandra Gupta. Actor. Dancer.

DWAIN: Okay, Rammy, what would you say your specialty is?

RAMU: Well, I move smooth. I take instruction easily. I'm not afraid to try new things.

DWAIN: Good. We like that. How big are you hard?

RAMU: Yes, I work very hard.

DWAIN: No. Your johnson. How big is your johnson?

RAMU: Johnson?

DWAIN: Your wand. Your pork-sword. Your baloney pony.

RAMU: Would you like to see my Macarena?

DWAIN: Macarena? Is that what the kids call it in your part of the world? Okay, let me see your Macarena.

RAMU: [Ramu hums melody] Hey, Macarena!

DWAIN: All right, you wanna lose the pants?

RAMU: Is that part of the movie?

DWAIN: Could be.

RAMU: I get it. Like Tom Cruise in Risky Business, huh?

[Piano rock 'n' roll intro]

[Rock 'n' roll music in Hindi]

DWAIN: All right! You know you could be big.

RAMU: Oh, yes, sir, very big.

DWAIN: I can see that. I gotta tell you, most guys come in here, they wax the dolphin. You know, that's it. It's over. You dance. I like that.

RAMU: Thank you.

DWAIN: Plus you got this really interesting look. It's kind of an Oriental cabana boy thing happening. You're unique, Rammy. You could be a big star.

RAMY: Yes, sir. I know.

RAMU: I'm telling you. I'm the star, like John Travolta.

VIJAY: "Pulp Fiction" Travolta or "Urban Cowboy" Travolta?

RAMU: "Grease" Travolta.

SANJIV: How many lines do you have?

RAMU: I haven't seen the script yet.

VIJAY: Hey, I know your lines, just like your lines in the restaurant. "Would you like chutney with your chapatis or poppadums with your paneer?"

SANJIV: "Would you like nachos with your Big Gulp?"

RAMU: Piss off, man.

VIJAY: Oh, I'm sorry. Good for you, yaar. Come on, so tell us about it. What role are you playing?

SANJIV: Man in turban working in gas station.

RAMU: You guys joke all you want, but this is a real movie and I am the star.

[Indian sitar music]

CAMERAMAN: Clock's ticking. Come on.

DWAIN: Okey-dokey pokey. Actors on the set. Walk away. Okay? Grab that.

RAMU: For a starring role, I don't have a lot of lines. What are you doing?

PEACHES: Giving Mr. Happy a shine. He gets more screen time than your face does.

RAMU: What?

DWAIN: Any sign of our Mr. Rammy?

PEACHES: Okay, now, no time for nerves. You gotta get out there. Don't you want to be in the movie?

RAMU: But a real movie. Not pornography.

PEACHES: Oh, sugar, please. Everybody has to start somewhere.

DWAIN: So it's one, two, and the inserts and we're done. Ha ha. There's my Jane. Now where's my Tarzan? Hey, there's the Ram. Everyone meet Rammy. Rammy meet your co-star Sharrona.

RAMU: Hello.

DWAIN: All right, let's rock. Come on. Welcome to Fantasy Island. Okay, Rammy, you live on this desert island, obviously. And you've basically been in the bushes beating your meat your whole life. One day you're skipping along the beach, you see this hot power-suited mama, and you just wanna teach her your native tongue.

RAMU: Hindi.

DWAIN: Sharrona, you're the junior senator from Wisconsin. You've come to investigate a nuclear dump site that's contaminating the marine life. Okay, roll camera.

CAMERAMAN: We are rolling.

DWAIN: Action!

SHARRONA: Hello, I'm Senator Snatch. I'm here on official government business. Are the natives here friendly?

RAMU: The natives here are restless, Senator. You look hot in that power suit.

SHARRONA: I didn't realize the tropics would be so warm.

RAMU: The Temperature isn't the only thing here that's up.

[Drums beating with increasing tempo]

DWAIN: Cut!

SOUNDMAN: Just tape it up. It'll be fine.

DWAIN: [To Sharrona] Brilliant. [To Ramu] Nice moment, Rammy, but we're not doing this for Lifetime. Okay? You see her, you screw her, we go home. Also, you're happy skipping along the beach. You know, life is good.

RAMU: Skip. Screw. Happy. Got it.

CAMERAMAN: Guess Who's Coming at Dinner, take two.

SHARRONA: Hell, I'm Senator Snatch. I'm here on a --

[Wild drums beating]

DWAIN: Okay. Rough stuff. Problem?

SHARRONA: We don't have wood.

CAMERAMAN: Stand by. Holding on wood.

SOUNDMAN: Standing by for wood.

[Shouting] We are holding on wood!

DWAIN: Do you have an erection problem?

RAMU: No, sir. Ask the makeup girl.

CAMERAMAN: She's a guy.

PEACHES: I'm more woman than you'll ever have, pencil dick.

CAMERAMAN: Sorry, dude.

DWAIN: Get hard or get going.

RAMU: [Motivating himself in Hindi]

SHARRONA: It's just sex, silly.

CAMERAMAN: Where'd you find this guy?

DWAIN: He found me. You know, we could've had Waldo. No, no, no, Waldo's too hairy for this. The natives don't have a lot of back hair.

RAMU: It's just the idea of being naked in front of all these people.

SHARRONA: Well, the trick is not to be naked up here. It's like other actors get costumes, but we don't, or at least not for very long. So your naked body is really just your costume.

RAMU: I promise, in India I'm a real stud. If you and I could just go somewhere by ourselves without people watching.

SHARRONA: There's always someone watching.

RAMU: Dwain?

SHARRONA: God, silly.

RAMU: God is watching us?

SHARRONA: Yeah, but not for kicks. I mean, the universe isn't run by some big old perv.

RAMU: What do you mean?

SHARRONA: I mean, the same God who made the rose and the ocean, he made me. And my body is made to have sex, just like the rosebud is made to open.

RAMU: Wow.

DWAIN: We're in. Places, please. Short, five, sorry.

SHARRONA: The most powerful sexual organ God gave us is our brain. Think about it.

DWAIN: Action! Okey-dokey pokey.

[Sharrona moaning excitedly]

DWAIN: Cut! What now?

RAMU: I can't stop thinking about God. And therefore I cannot achieve wood.

DWAIN: I see. Sharrona, you gotta help me out here, please?

SHARRONA: Forget it, Dwain. If I'm late again meeting Rusty, he's gonna get suspicious.

DWAIN: Doesn't this guy ever go to a video store? Hey, that's good. This'd be a great character for you. You know, we haven't done a schoolteacher number in a while. Not since The Prime of Miss Jean's Booty.

SHARRONA: See you.

DWAIN: Please.

SHARRONA: Taxi! Taxi! Broadway and 86th. I'm in a hurry.

RAMU: Sharrona!

[Upbeat instrumental music]

RUSTY: Guys, you seen Miss Lynell around?

BOY: Who?

RANDY: I'm telling you, bro, she's definitely two-timing you with the librarian. Why don't we go to O'Neill's? We'll drown out your sorrows.

SHARRONA: Hey.

RUSTY: Hey. Thanks, guys. I'll catch you in the a.m., Randy.

RANDY: Not if I catch you first, firebug.

RUSTY: Where you been, princess?

SHARRONA: Oh, one of the foreign students had a problem straightening out his grammar. Bye guys.

RUSTY: Not a very friendly group.

SHARRONA: They're never nice to substitutes.

[Upbeat instrumental music]

GREETER: Hello, nice to see you Mr. and Mrs. de Borman.

GREETER: Service entrance is downstairs.

RAMU: Okay.

EDWIN: Good evening, Lloyd.

EDWIN: Lars, your sister's locked herself in the bathroom again. Please, get her now.

[Upbeat instrumental music]

[Laughter and party chatter]

[Conversing in Hindi]

VIJAY: So, Swami, you really see the future?

SWAMI BU: A couple more of these and I do.

CHANTAL: As many of you know, our birthday girl is on a little quest for spirituality ...

ALEXANDRA: Om. Om. Om.

LARS: Lex, one more "Om" and you have to come to your party.

ALEXANDRA: It always has to be what she wants, even on my birthday. I wanted a Tibetan gathering with a Rinpoche, but no, she does an Indian feast ...

CHANTAL: ... with a world famous swami.

SWAMI BU: All those people care about is sex and money. If they have money, they care about sex. If they have sex, they care about money. And if they have the sex and the money, they feel guilty and raise money for the opera.

VIJAY: More tandoori in the library. Swami, you're on.

CHANTAL: Alexandra searched for so many years. In the shoe department at Bergdorf's. She has searched for the perfect diet, the perfect rock star boyfriend. Yes, well it seems Lexi will search for anything except steady employment. So, dear Lexi, in honor of your current fixation, I give you Swami Bu.

VIJAY: Swami Bu has gone to another dimension.

[Vijay slaps Swami Bu]

SWAMI BU: I swear she was sixteen!

RASPHAL: Mrs. Von Austerberg is going to kill me! She paid a lot of money for a swami, and now we have no swami. We have jack shit! Or we don't have jack shit! I don't know which one it is! What we do have is a drunk bastard. You ... Didn't I fire you?

RAMU: Rasphal, I was just wondering about my job.

RASPHAL: You really want your job back. Mr. Ramu "Tom Cruise" Gupta?

CHANTAL: Swami Bu! Swami Bu! I'm conjuring up a swami. Oh, here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, Swami Bu.

RAMU: Not long ago a wise man told me that all people care about is sex and money and opera. Now, myself, I don't have any money, well, because I'm a swami, and swamis don't like opera because well, you can't dance to it. So I will talk to you about sex.

EDWIN: What'd you pay for this?

RAMU: God, is it hot in here. God. God wants us to have sex. And if God wants us to have sex, then, well, it can't be bad because the universe isn't run by a big old perv.

LARS: Glad he cleared that up.

RAMU: Your naked body is like a costume that you wear to be yourself. Be comfortable in your nakedness. The most powerful sexual organ God gave you is your brain. Think about it. Are you thinking?

OLD LADY: My whole body is about to think.

RAMU: And like roses are made to open, so must you. You must open your rosebud.

RAMU: Dance is like love.

[Electronic backbeat]

RAMU: Join me. Follow your inner beat.

[Quickening electronic backbeat]

RASPHAL: Is he doing the Macarena?

VIJAY: Looks like it.

LARS: Wait, isn't that the ...

ALEXANDRA: I think it's one of those dervish, spiritual, trance-dance things.

RAMU: [Sings joyous Hindi song]

[Upbeat Hindi dance music]

[Whistles of approval]

VIJAY: Excellent. Come on.

[Sings joyous Hindi song]

CHANTAL: I thought we were just going to do some light chanting.

[Whistles of approval]

[Silence]

ALL: Bravo!

VIJAY: The Macarena, man.

RAMU: Oh, shut up.

ALEXANDRA: Swami Bu! We're going clubbing. You want to come? Unless it's against your religion or something.

RAMU: Oh, no, my religion believes in clubbing.

ALEXANDRA: Swami Bu.

RAMU: Call me Ramu.

ALEXANDRA: Candles. We need candles. You can't have spiritual sex without candles. You must use a lot of candles in India.

RAMU: When the electricity goes out.

ALEXANDRA: Undress me slowly, spiritually, like a goddess. Pretend I'm Vishnu.

RAMU: Vishnu is a man.

ALEXANDRA: Kali?

RAMU: Kali is the goddess of death and destruction.

ALEXANDRA: Okay. Death and destruction. Music. We need music.

RAMU: Not really, no.

ALEXANDRA: This is perfect. It's the Guatemalan Boys Choir. They're deaf. I'm having sex with a guru. Chakh le. It's so powerful. I can stand alone. It feels like we're doing it. Right now. From there, it's like ... It feels like we're doing it. Right now, from there, it's like you're pulsating through me.

RAMU: It's better from here. Trust me.

ALEXANDRA: Oh, Guru, what is the most sacred position? [Chanting]

RAMU: You may find this hard to believe, but in India guru sex is very fast.

ALEXANDRA: What about the slow-chanting 200-position sex?

RAMU: That's Tibet. Where I come from, we do it very fast. Like wild monkeys at sundown. And if we don't, the evil spirits might grab our tails and throw us into the next jungle.

[Drums beating slowly]

ALEXANDRA: [Makes monkey sounds]

RUSTY: You know what? Don't get me started. You know what Father Flanagan says:

RUSTY & SHARRONA: "How you gonna teach kids values if you haven't lived them yourself?"

RUSTY: Will you hate me if I make you wait?

SHARRONA: No, I love you. I'm proud to save myself for you.

RUSTY: You know what? You're the best. Honey, can I ask you a question? How does a nice, Catholic schoolgirl like you learn how to make all those sexy little sounds?

SHARRONA: Well, me and my friends used to practice kissing. On our hands.

RUSTY: That's silly. The second half is starting.

[Mystical Indian music]

ALEXANDRA: Remember when I had that thing with my African drumming teacher? I don't know. He just got really needy. But this one is the real thing. Not a lot of people know about him yet. It's up to me to get his message out there. Anyway, he's gonna be bigger than Deepak Chopra. Ramu is the guru of sex.

[Sensual hip-hop music]

VIJAY: The guru of sex. She really thinks you can be as famous as Deepak Chopra?

RAMU: Who is he? Does he dance?

VIJAY: No, he tells Americans how to get rich and be happy.

RAMU: I thought they knew.

VIJAY: Have you even tried the Kama Sutra?

RAMU: No, have you?

VIJAY: A little. By myself.

RAMU: But, Vijay, I don't want to be a guru. I want to be an actor.

VIJAY: Then act like a guru. It's better than acting like a waiter.

RAMU: So, who writes the lines for Deepak Chopra?

VIJAY: They're not lines. He has a philosophy and shit. These guru-types don't just put on turbans and screw chicks. They say profound things they've been thinking about for centuries. The point is the guy's made a gazillion dollars.

RAMU: A gazillion dollars? What's that in rupees?

VIJAY: I don't think they have that many. Sex guru. Why didn't I think of that?

[Loud dance music]

ALEXANDRA: I want the suede, not the leather. I want every color. No, I'm staying in town, so have them sent to New York. Okay. I gotta go. Guru Ramu. Thank you for gracing me with your presence. Champagne? I hope you don't mind. I invited Amy to join us. She's a journalist.

RAMU: A journalist? No.

AMY: So, as the son of the Maharajah, when did you have your epiphany?

RAMU: When I was 15.

ALEXANDRA: Tell us everything.

RAMU: It was: I'll touch yours, you touch mine. No big deal.

AMY: Oh! Do you know who or what you were in any of your previous incarnations?

RAMU: Dessert?

AMY: That's me. I was hoping to schedule a scrub.

ALEXANDRA: It seems like you're holding back, just a little. What you said at my part was so much more powerful. God, rosebud, the naked costume, and all that.

RAMU: Right. You know, Lexi, maybe I'm not the one to do all this.

ALEXANDRA: Wow!

KITTY: Alexandra, hi. How's your mother?

ALEXANDRA: Remarkably lifelike. Guru Ramu, Kitty.

KITTY: Guru? Does he do privates?

ALEXANDRA: Does he ever.

KITTY: Tuesday?

ALEXANDRA: Perfect.

KITTY: Heaven.

ALEXANDRA. Ciao. You do privates, right?

SHARRONA: You'll get a call-back. Adios, Waldo.

WALDO: Great job today.

SHARRONA: Thanks.

RAMU: Hi. It's me. Rammy.

SHARRONA: Hello.

RAMU: I just wanted to apologize for what happened on the set.

SHARRONA: I got paid.

RAMU: Excuse me, sir.

MAN: Watch it, pal.

RAMU: I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Pardon me. Excuse me, ma'am. Hello, again.

SHARRONA: So now you're stalking me?

RAMU: No, I was hoping perhaps I could buy you a cup of tea?

SHARRONA: Oh, I don't do that.

RAMU: Perhaps coffee then.

SHARRONA: Look, Rammy, I'm engaged to a nice, normal guy. Do you know how hard it is to find a nice, normal guy in the city? Right?

RAMU: I just want your help with a professional problem.

SHARRONA: Look, would you stop worrying about it? A lot of guys can't get it up.

RAMU: You don't understand. People are telling me I could be the next Deepak Chopra.

SHARRONA: Well, I'm not familiar with Deep-Pack. I don't watch dirty movies because my fiance's kinda religious.

RAMU: No, I have an opportunity to make a lot of money.

SHARRONA: Duh! Why do you think it got into this business, 'cause it was interesting? In three years I saved enough to buy a house in Throg's Neck and to pay for my whole wedding. Mulberry Street. Do you want to see the cake?

TONY: Grazie. Ciao.

SHARRONA: Hi, I'm Sherri, I called earlier. Are you Tony?

TONY: Yeah, I got everything over there.

SHARRONA: That is so ---

TONY: Expensive. $800. You see this one? This is more in your price range.

SHARRONA: That's very nice, too.

TONY: Oh, yeah.

RAMU: Actually, sir, we will order this one. I want my lovely bride to be happy.

SHARRONA: Rammy, no.

TONY: Now, you two kids discuss it amongst yourselves, okay?

SHARRONA: Rammy, $800 is too much. I can't accept that.

RAMU: Look, it's not a gift. I want you to be my teacher and I'm happy to pay for this privilege.

[Mandolin strumming wedding song]

SHARRONA: Okay.

Upbeat instrumental music]

[Doorbell rings]

SHARRONA: Yeah, come on in.

RAMU: If this is a bad time I could come back later.

SHARRONA: What am I doing here?

RAMU: Isn't this your apartment?

SHARRONA: What? Yes, this is my apartment. I mean, what am I doing letting you into my apartment?

RAMU: The other day ...

SHARRONA: Rusty, my boyfriend doesn't know about my X-rated job out there in the real world. He thinks that I'm a PG-13 girl. That I'm a nice, normal girl.

RAMU: Well, you are.

SHARRONA: What?

RAMU: A nice, normal girl.

SHARRONA: You think so? Wait a second. Do not flirt with me. Do not. That is rule number one. Okay? And no little gifts either. And rule number two: You don't try to hit on me or take advantage of any situation that you might find a turn-on. Do you understand? This is just a lesson. I am a teacher and you are the student.

RAMU: Of course.

SHARRONA: So, no touchy-feely. If you touchy-feely me, I will hurt you. I will cause you pain. I know the art of karate.

RAMU: Okay.

SHARRONA: Okay, rule number three: If we're gonna do this, you have to promise me that everything I say stays in this room. You can't tell anyone. Not a single soul.

RAMU: No, you see, you don't understand --

SHARRONA: Then you can leave right now.

RAMU: But of course.

SHARRONA: Okay. Let's get started. So the other day, what happened? Why did you lose it?

RAMU: I was afraid. There were 20 people around, many drinking coffee, watching me.

SHARRONA: Exactly. Fear. Fear is cold. It freezes us up. Fear of performance. Fear of doing something bad, something dirty. What would our parents think? What do we think? Do you know where we hold our fears?

RAMU: Up here.

SHARRONA: Further south. That's why sex is such a release. When we come, we let go of our fears. And when we let go of our fears, we touch our soul. So the way I look at it is my pussy is the door to my soul.

[Mystical sitar music]

RAMU: Why are you afraid, Kitty?

KITTY: Well, what makes you think I'm afraid?

RAMU: I feel it. Please, close your eyes. We have so many fears. "Fear of performance. Fear of doing something bad." Fear of what people will think.

KITTY: Yes. Yes, yes.

RAMU: And do you know where we hold our fears?

KITTY: Between our eyebrows where we get those yucky little lines?

RAMU: In our genitals. That is why sex is such a release. When we come, we let go of our fears, and when you let go of your fears, you touch your soul. Your pussy is the door to your soul.

KITTY: So, if I touch myself here ...

RAMU: Kitty?

KITTY: ... I won't be afraid? Oh! Excuse me. How much do I owe you?

RAMU: What you wish.

KITTY: I'm sorry. I need to be by myself. Lexi, he is beyond insightful. I have to go. Thank you.

RAMU: You're welcome. It was nice to meet you. Wow. She paid me.

ALEXANDRA: You're incredible. Kitty's such an unhappy person and you helped her so much. Just think, there are so many unhappy people out there. I know most of them. But we can help them together. I really want to do that. I've never really done anything, you know. Can we do that? Can we, can we help mankind? I really want to help mankind.

RAMU: Cool.

VIJAY: $2,000! $2,000! It's bloody incredible.

RAMU: But it's not my wisdom, it's Sharrona's. She thinks she gives me lessons to be in porno movies and I can't tell her the truth because she made me promise not to tell anyone.

VIJAY: great.

RAMU: Oh, Vij, be serious.

VIJAY: I am, yaar. Get her wisdom and use it. Don't you want to be a star?

RAMU: Well, yes --

VIJAY: How do you think that's going to happen if you're not a guru? Name one Indian star in America. Name one.

SANJIV: That guy from The Simpsons.

VIJAY: He's a cartoon.

AMIT: Don't you guys have to be at the restaurant?

VIJAY: Ramu's got a new job.

SANJIV: You gonna be a cab driver?

RAMU: No, I'm going to be a guru.

SANJIV: Cheers, Guruji.

[Upbeat soul music]

RAMU: Vij!

SHARRONA: Come on, you want to get comfortable in your naked costume, don't you?

RAMU: You need to be comfortable with your own body.

RAMU: Okey-dokey pokey.

SHARRONA: Great.

RAMU: Your nakedness.

SHARRONA: Say that five times.

RAMU: I'm a good lover. I'm a good lover.

RAMU: And again.

CLIENT: I'm a good lover. I'm a good lover.

RAMU: I deserve pleasure.

SANJIV: Budweiser: The Maharaj of beer.

ALEXANDRA: Next.

CLIENT: You two are gonna have a wonderful weekend.

CLIENT: I'm a good lover.

RAMU: Thank you. That was very good. That was very good. Stop.

FEMALE GUEST: Guru, my brother golfs with the maharajah of Jaipur, Bubbles. And he says he's never heard of you.

RAMU: Well, it's a big country.

ALEXANDRA: Gurus shun the life of wealth and materialism. Swami Muktananda said everything in the universe is made of divine consciousness and its innermost form dwells in the center of us all.

RAMU: Wow, that's good.

CHANTAL: Lexi, can I see you in the kitchen?

ALEXANDRA: Do you know where it is?

EDWIN: So, Guru, what would you tell a couple that has hit a wall?

RAMU: "Are you all right? Can I get you a doctor?"

CHANTAL: What in heaven's name are you doing?

ALEXANDRA: Being happy for a change. Freely expressing my sexuality.

CHANTAL: You are sucking face with your yoga instructor.

ALEXANDRA: He's not my yoga instructor. And so what if I am?

CHANTAL: Darling, we don't date the help. Remember what happened with Aunt Eujanie and that U.P.S. man?

ALEXANDRA: News flash, Mother, all people of color aren't here to serve you.

CHANTAL: How dare you say that! I have served meals to the homeless. Good meals. things I'd eat myself, if I still ate carbs. At any rate, you are making our guests feel very uncomfortable.

ALEXANDRA: Ha! They'll get over it.

MALE GUEST: You're drinking too much.

EDWIN: Darling, come join.

MALE GUEST: Hi.

MALE GUEST: Yes.

RAMU: Thank you very much.

SHARRONA: Can you feel it in your mouth? Can you taste it? The taste is sweet. The taste is ...

RAMU: Mint chocolate chip.

SHARRONA: Okay, you can open your eyes now. I got that from an acting class. It helps when you don't click with someone. Remember that we have five senses and using them can make anything sexy.

RAMU: So, why do you do these movies?

SHARRONA: If you're having doubts about the business Rammy then you should quit now. Trust me.

RAMU: Ah! You like to cook.

SHARRONA: Uh hum.

RAMU: In India, we call that a homely girl. You know, a girl who likes to do things in the home.

SHARRONA: Yeah, that's me, homely girl.

RAMU: Can I taste?

SHARRONA: Cinnamon? Hey, that's lamb stew.

RAMU: Yeah, so? It has no flavor. Come on, taste.

SHARRONA: Are you flirting with me?

RAMU: No. No. No, no, no, no.

SHARRONA: Got you. Don't take everything so seriously. All right, that's it for today.

RAMU: Okay.

SHARRONA: Oh and, Rammy, I use mint chocolate chip, too.

CHANTAL: Edwin, is that you? What's wrong? You haven't been up here since the Reagan administration.

EDWIN: It's Bush time. [Edwin Growls]

ALEXANDRA: And tell Josh that a lot of agents want to sign him. Lexi. Look, we met at Dr. Sid's retreat for neurotic compulsives. Oooh, I'm not supposed to say that. Um, just tell him Lexi who wouldn't go to the Oscars with him. You know what, don't say that. Just tell him Lexi, okay? He'll know who I am. Ciao. Get up, we have the trainer at 10:00 am.

RAMU: 10:00 a.m.? I have to go. I have an appointment.

ALEXANDRA: You didn't tell me that. But I planned my day around you. I was going to buy you sweaters.

RAMU: I'm sorry, Lexi, but I have my own life, too.

ALEXANDRA: Well, you can't do this to me. You can't just go and not tell me where. Guru! [Shouts]: I have abandonment issues!

SHARRONA: Okay, now I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone but it's really helped me more than anything. I can't even believe I'm telling you this.

RAMU: You don't have to tell me if you don't want.

SHARRONA: No, I want to. Okay, one of the biggest problems is making something mechanical look romantic. So music can help.

RAMU: I love music.

SHARRONA: Me, too. So what I do is, I hear and I feel the music in my body.

RAMU: What music?

SHARRONA: Songs, romantic songs. Like, I let it sing and then the rest of me follows. I'll show you. Name a song.

RAMU: La Bamba.

SHARRONA;: [Sharrona sings softly] Hmm. That doesn't work. It has to be romantic. It has to send love through your loins. "Don't go changing to try and please me; You've never let me down before; Oooh-oooh-oooh-oooh." Did you see what I was doing?

RAMU: Yeah.

SHARRONA: It's like, on certain words the passion comes through my body. It's like I can actually feel Billy Joel between my legs. Not Billy Joel the person but the romance, the sweetness, the intention of his words. So now you try it.

RAMU: "Don't go changing to try and please me ..."

SHARRONA: You're not trying to make a point, you're trying to touch your soul. So I'll do it with you.

SHARRONA & RAMU: "You never let me down before, oooh-oooh-oooh-oooh. I don't imagine you're too familiar." Here, why don't you get on top of me? It's the only way you're going to learn.

RAMU: What?

[Soft instrumental melody]

RAMU: Sorry.

SHARRONA & RAMU: "Don't go trying some new fashion; Don't change the color of your hair"

[Upbeat instrumental music]

SHARRONA & RAMU: "I don't want clever conversation; I never want to work that hard, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh. I just want someone I can talk to; I want you just the way you are."

[Upbeat instrumental music]

[Knock at the door]

RUSTY: Shar?

SHARRONA: Oh, my God, that's Rusty. Hide.

RUSTY: Shar, open up.

SHARRONA: Shit.

RUSTY: Hey.

SHARRONA: What a surprise.

RUSTY: I got off early. Randy and I were going to the gym, but he had to work O.T. I gotta take a leak.

SHARRONA: Don't! I mean, are you sure?

RUSTY: Oh, God.

SHARRONA: Do you want something to eat, or a beer?

RUSTY: What the ...

RAMU: Ma'am, that leak shouldn't cause any more trouble. I've readjusted the pipe connection, and hooked it up to the main artery. I'm the plumber.

RUSTY: I should hope so.

RAMU: So. You're the big, strong American boyfriend, huh?

RUSTY: I guess I am, yeah.

RAMU: But you couldn't fix the pipe connection now, could you?

RUSTY: How come he didn't have any tools?

SHARRONA: He's a holistic plumber.

SHARRONA: Calculus isn't my only advanced skill, Professor Wank. How do you like them apples?

RAMU: What are you watching?

SANJIV: M-m-m-m-m-m-myee Sharona.

RAMU: You bastards! Turn it off!

VIJAY: What? You've seen Good Will Humping?

SANJIV: Oh, we also have Star Whores: Episode 69, and Charlie's Anus.

[Moaning from TV]

SHARRONA: It's not my fault. Uuuhhh! It's not my fault.

VIJAY: You couldn't get it up for her?

RAMU: You try having sex with 20 people around.

VIJAY: I've never had sex without 20 people around.

RAMU: Now, I don't want you to watch that again. She's a real person, and my friend, and she's a lot smarter than you guys.

VIJAY: Oh, I see a young man. He is in love. He's in love with a buxom schoolgirl.

RAMU: Piss off, man!

VIJAY: All right. All right, what's got your turban in a twist, huh?

RAMU: I don't know.

SANJIV: Desi Fantasy Hotline. For Hindi hotties, press one. For Punjabi poontang, press two --

SHARRONA: Is Rammy there? It's Sharrona.

SANJIV: Sharrona. Hi.

RAMU: Give it to me.

SANJIV: I talked to a real live porn star. I think she sounded naked.

RAMU: Hey, how's it going?

SHARRONA: I got you a job. Dwain said that you could be an extra on the gladiator movie tomorrow.

RAMU: What? I mean, what?

SHARRONA: You want to be in films, right?

RAMU: I do. I do.

SHARRONA: Well, this is what we've been working for, Rammy.

RAMU: I don't have to do it, do I?

SANJIV: I'll do it. I'll do it!

SHARRONA: You don't even have to do anything. It's extra work. Remember, fear freezes. See you.

RAMU: See you.

SANJIV: Did you tell her I'll do it? Did you?

DWAIN: All right, gladiator love slaves ... a little more thrashing. I want to feel your pain.

CAMERAMAN: Glad He Ate Her, scene 21, take six. And, action.

SHARRONA: Which one of your worthless love slaves will dare --

DWAIN: Cut! Can we get some oil for these guys? I'm seeing chalky legs here.

SHARRONA: How are you hanging in there, Rammy?

RAMU: From a chain.

[Cell phone ringing]

RAMU: Hello.

ALEXANDRA: Guru, where are you? I'm here at Josh Goldstein's office.

RAMU: Oh, right, the agent. I've been detained out here.

ALEXANDRA: Where's "out here"?

ANNOUNCER: Puerto Rican Leather Queens to stage two.

RAMU: Queens.

ALEXANDRA: Queens? Do you know how important this is? The kind of access Josh Goldstein has? He can really help us get our message out there.

RAMU: I'll be right there, I promise. Don't worry.

ALEXANDRA: Hurry up!

SHARRONA: Lying to your girlfriend?

RAMU: Who said that was my girlfriend?

SHARRONA: Is she pretty?

CAMERAMAN: Places, please.

JOSH'S ASSISTANT: Your guy's not here?

ALEXANDRA: He's coming. He had a thing. He got tied up.

JOSH'S ASSISTANT: He got tied up? You --

SHARRONA: Which one of your worthless love slaves will dare to enter my love ring?

DWAIN: Cut! All right. Great work.

SHARRONA: It was a lot to memorize.

DWAIN: Yeah, well, not so much talk this time.

RAMU: Hey, excuse me, I have to get my clothes and go.

SOUNDMAN: No one leaves till we wrap.

JOSH'S ASSISTANT: "Ramew Gouda."

JOSH: Hey, you made it. I'm so psyched for this.

SHARRONA: Josh, Ramu.

RAMU: It's nice to meet you.

JOSH ASSISTANT: May I take your coat?

RAMU: No, I'm fine.

JOSH ASSISTANT: Oh, no, please, I'll just hang it ...

RAMU: I was at a past life workshop.

JOSH: Really? Did you see me? I worked in the mailroom. Ha ha ha. Just kidding. Why don't you have a seat? So, Lexi tells me you have quite the following, huh? I'm just gonna jump right in, okay? The goal here is to separate you from all the other self-help spiritual types out there so you're not just another Indian, or, excuse me, Native American, 'cause, what you've got going for you is God. And by the way, by the way, God is big. You mention God, people pay attention. God demands attention, and what can I say? We want to be in bed with God. But what do people want to pay attention to more than anything else? Sex. You let people think about both, which is brilliant.

ALEXANDRA: Josh is one of the smartest agents in town.

JOSH: We can handle your book deals in London, your website in Munich, your television in New York.

RAMU: Television?

JOSH: That's right. Movie deals in Hollywood.

RAMU: Hollywood?

JOSH: Sure. Step one, you gotta expand your core audience. How do we do that? I think we do a big show, a couple thousand people. Maybe we book a Broadway house.

RAMU: Broadway?

JOSH: That's right: "The Guru of Sex." One night only. You gotta keep them wanting more. Hey, Ari, get me the Playhouse. And, by the way, I'm not into micromanaging but you're not going to wear that ... What is it you're wearing, anyway?

RAMU: I really like Josh.

ALEXANDRA: What is really going on?

RAMU: What do you mean?

ALEXANDRA: I mean, you run off to secret appointments, you tell me you've been to some past life workshops with costumes.

RAMU: I'm sorry --

ALEXANDRA: You don't even invite me, when you know how much I love that sort of thing.

RAMU: I couldn't, I --

ALEXANDRA: You're about to be the Mother Teresa of sex and all I want to do is help you, and you leave me out. I don't understand why you would leave me out.

RAMU: Lexi, no one can give you what you want. It's too much.

ALEXANDRA: Oh, what are you saying?

RAMU: I'm saying live your own life, not mine. Follow your own dreams, not mine. Look, there are lots of different paths. You can go this way, this way, or that way. But you must choose your own path. It's your own damn journey.

ALEXANDRA: I'm going to meditate on that! Yeah.

[Upbeat pop music]

SANJIV: Hello. Thank you. 'Bye. Ramu.

VIJAY: What more could a swami ask for?

RAMU: Hey!

SHARRONA: Hey.

RAMU: Hey.

SHARRONA: Um, I got an idea for today's lesson, but --

RAMU: No, no, no, no. It's such a beautiful day. Let's take a walk.

SHARRONA: Okay.

RAMU: After you.

RAMU: So, I miss my nanima the most.

SHARRONA: Does your family like you being in America?

RAMU: No, they'd rather I be married off with kids, holding down a nine-to-five salary. But they're getting used to it. They just want me to be happy.

SHARRONA: You're lucky, 'cause the only family I have right now is like Dwain and Peaches.

RAMU: Well, they're quite a family.

SHARRONA: No, really, they saved my life. I don't even want to tell you what I was doing before I met them. They treat me right. I'm safe with them.

RAMU: Look, Sharrona, I have to tell you something.

SHARRONA: Go on.

RAMU: This is really difficult.

SHARRONA: Well, let me tell you something first. I really like teaching you. It makes me feel really good to help someone. But I don't think you should do it. I mean, you don't know what it's like. It's porn and I just don't think you should do it. You're so pure and good and you don't really know what it's really like. That's why I made up all those ways to get through it. Because I wanted to make it seem like I was doing something else. Something important and respectable.

RAMU: You are respectable.

SHARRONA: How can you say that? Rusty doesn't even know what I do. If he did, he wouldn't marry me.

RAMU: But I'd marry you ...

[Tender instrumental music]

RAMU: ... for 50 cows.

SHARRONA: Only 50?

RAMU: Well, they're sacred you know. Okay, 100 sacred cows, and well let's see, a field full of buffalos, a dozen peacocks, and a herd of the most beautiful creatures in all the world: a herd full of blue elephants.

SHARRONA: Blue?

RAMU: Blue.

SHARRONA: I have to go.

RAMU: No, you don't. You don't have to do anything.

SHARRONA: Of course I do, silly. See you.

[Melancholy instrumental music]

RUSTY: But, hey, that's Randy for you, you know.

MRS. MCGEE: He's so funny.

RUSTY: You always say that.

MRS. MCGEE: To Sherri and Rusty.

FATHER FLANAGAN: Oh, and Russell tells me you're going to help teach the catechism class.

SHARRONA: Catechism. Neat.

FATHER FLANAGAN: Well, it's a blessing to have a professional in charge at last.

DRUNK GUY: Hey, baby.

MR. MCGEE: Father feels you're an amateur with the scriptures.

RUSTY: Leave Mum alone.

MR. MCGEE: Oh, I said no such thing.

MRS. MCGEE: Now, Tuesdays is knitting circle, and you will be the first member of the millennium. I had to use all my influence.

RUSTY: So long as it doesn't interfere with couples' bowling, right, honey?

MR. MCGEE: You ever bowl with Rusty? It's a good thing. Throws the ball like a ballet dancer.

RUSTY: Don't start, Dad.

FATHER FLANAGAN: Now tell me, my dear, have we not met before?

RUSTY: Sweetie, have you met Father Flanagan before?

SHARRONA: Oh, um, no, Father, I would have remembered meeting you.

FATHER FLANAGAN: Your lovely face looks so familiar to me.

DRUNK GUY: You don't believe me? Watch and learn, tough guy. You're the chick from Star Whores, right? Episode 69?

RUSTY: Excuse me?

SHARRONA: No, that's not me.

DRUNK GUY: Oh no no no, it's you. I saw that forwards and backwards.

RUSTY: You're out of line, buddy. Why don't you sit down? You're making a mistake.

DRUNK GUY: It's her. Baby.

MRS. MCGEE: What's he doing?

RUSTY: You know what? I'm sick of this. You know what, there must be some cheap porn star out there that looks just like Sherri. I'm sorry, honey.

SHARRONA: I'm feeling a big sick --

RUSTY: Sweetheart, wait --

SHARRONA: I have to go home.

RUSTY: Honey? What did I say?

MRS. MCGEE: Pre-wedding jitters.

SHARRONA: Hello, is Rammy there?

AMIT: Ramu? No.

SHARRONA: Um, can you tell me where he is?

AMIT: He's at the Broadway Playhouse.

SHARRONA: Thank you.

VIJAY: Now that you have an agent, I think you need a manager.

RAMU: What do managers do?

VIJAY: Take 15 percent.

ALEXANDRA: Guru Ramu, and friend.

RAMU: Hey. Hey, Lex.

VIJAY: Well, hello. Vijay Rao, manager.

ALEXANDRA: Guru, I've been meditating on what you said and I think I understand why you pulled back from our relationship.

VIJAY: I don't.

ALEXANDRA: The whole reason you ignited my kundalini energy in the first place was so I could move that sex force into my other chakras, my heart, my mind, maybe even some day, my third eye.

RAMU: Exactly.

ALEXANDRA: Um, yes, I knew it. I knew giving up the stuff would help me focus.

RAMU: What stuff?

ALEXANDRA: Everything. I'm moving to a studio apartment in Queens.

VIJAY: Will you be subleasing your penthouse?

CROWD: [Singing]: "Don't go changing ..."

RAMU: That's right. Feel it.

CROWD: "to try and please me ..."

RAMU: Yes, let it sing.

CROWD: "You never let me down before"

RAMU: Feel Billy Joel between your legs. And then, feel your genitals come alive.

CROWD: [Singing]: "Don't imagine"

RAMU: Some want to sing in harmony.

CROWD: [Singing]: "you're too familiar"

RAMU: That is okay too.

CROWD: [Singing]: "And I don't see you anymore; Don't go trying some new fashion; Don't change the color of your hair"

RAMU: That's right. Send that love through your loins.

CROWD: [Singing]: "You always have my"

RAMU: Feel it. That's it.

CROWD: "unspoken passion"

RAMU: The genitals are the gateway to your soul. Let them sing.

CROWD: "Although I might not seem to care"

RAMU: Let go of your fears. Fear is cold.

CROWD: [Singing]: "I don't want clever:

RAMU: Cold freezes. When we make love ...

CROWD: "conversation"

RAMU: ... we release our fears and we ...

CROWD: "I never want to work that hard; I just want someone"

RAMU: ... touch our souls.

CROWD: "that I can talk to; I want you just the way you are"

RAMU: Sharrona, wait!

VIJAY: Carry on, the Guru's just gone to the restroom.

CROWD: "I need to know that you will always be"

VIJAY: Remember, sex is good for you.

CROWD: "The same old someone that I knew"

VIJAY: Love your loins.

RAMU: I meant to tell you but everything happened so fast.

SHARRONA: Well you certainly had a deal, didn't you? You pay me off, steal my private thoughts, and sell them to the world. I told you things I have never told anyone.

RAMU: And I tried to tell you, I did. And then I wanted your philosophy, and then I wanted to see you. That is why. I just wanted to see you.

SHARRONA: You're sick, you know. And mean. How could you lie like that?

RAMU: Well you tell me, Mrs. Schoolteacher. What about Rusty? You're not only lying to him, you're lying to yourself.

SHARRONA: That's not true!

RAMU: It is. You think no one will love you for you, so you pretend to be someone else. Don't you see? That is not real.

SHARRONA: Ha! What is that? Guru-speak?

RAMU: It's true. Maybe I'm a horrible person who deserves to be stabbed through the heart but I know you deserve more.

SHARRONA: Oh please. You're just a stupid con man. You better go steal those people's money before they realize that you're just a big dumb fake!

RAMU: I'm a fake? Well, then you're a super fake. A porno star saying you're a teacher, all for a dumb house in Frog's Neck!

SHARRONA: Throg's Neck. And I plan to be very happy there. So you better go steal those people's money before your visa expires!

RAMU: Well okay, I will!

SHARRONA: Taxi!

RAMU: And I'll be rich, and famous, and very, very happy!

SHARRONA: Fine!

RAMU: Fine!

SHARRONA: Taxi!

VIJAY: Well hello girls, come on. Ready for some fun? This is Amit and Sanjiv. This is Candy, Mindy, Sandy, Daisy and Tasha.

SANJIV: I just [Speaking in Hindi]. Beautiful jungle top. You are a heartbreaker, baby.

RUSTY: You know the great thing about this place is we never have to move. They can carry us out of here in a box.

WOMAN: Anthony, I'm waiting for you!

VIJAY: All right! We got it. Ten cents for every Guru of Sex T-shirt sold.

ALEXANDRA: Oh, maybe we could donate the proceeds.

VIJAY: Maybe. Not.

ALEXANDRA: You know, I'm sick of your fucking materialism!

VIJAY: Yeah, well I'm sick of your fucking scented oils. You smell like a Bombay hooker. Ramu, we've got the Cher party tonight. Sally Jessy Raphael tomorrow. He, man, did you hear me?

ALEXANDRA: Did it ever occur to you he might be meditating?

VIJAY: No.

[Rap music plays]

FAN: Guru.

VIJAY: Vijay, Rao, the Guru's manager. Hello, girls, all right there. Ramu's coming in there. All right, then. Vijay Rao, manager.

RAMU: Hey, man.

SANJIV: Tony called.

RAMU: Tony who?

SANJIV: I don't know. I don't have all the answers like you, Guruji. He said your wedding cake will be ready tomorrow 9:00 a.m.

AMIT: Are you getting married tomorrow?

RAMU: no, I'm not getting married tomorrow.

AMIT: I never know with you, yaar.

[Indian song and dance music]

SHARRONA: "You better shape up; 'cause I need a man"

[Sing rock 'n' roll song]

SHARRONA: "And my heart is set on you"

CHORUS: "And my heart is set on you"

RAMU: "I better shape up; If I'm gonna prove"

SHARRONA: "That my faith is justified"

RAMU: "Are you sure?"

SHARRONA: "Yes I'm sure down deep inside"

EVERYONE: "You're the one that I want; You are the one that I want; Oo-oo-oo, honey; The one that I want; You are the one that I want, Oo-oo-oo, honey; The one that I want; You are the one that I want; Oo-oo-oo; The one I need; The one I need; Oh, yes indeed; Yes indeed; You're the one that I want; You are the one that I want; Oo-oo-oo, honey; The one that I want; You are the one that I want, Oo-oo-oo"

[Melancholy instrumental music]

[Doorbell rings]

MRS. MCGEE: I'll get it dear. No, you go get your things together. I'm double-parked.

SHARRONA: Oh, the cake. Why did they send the cake here? It's supposed to got to the reception hall.

RAMU: I'm so sorry.

SHARRONA: Just leave it right there.

MRS. MCGEE: She's just a nervous bride. I'll get my purse. I won't be a jiffy.

RAMU: It's terrible what I did to you. I know that. But what you're about to do ... Don't go through with this. You don't have to. You and me --

SHARRONA: There is no you and me. You used me. And I used you, too. And I did it for the cake.

MRS. MCGEE: Here. Here you are, sir. Good-bye. And thank you. Well, all righty, then.

[Both doors slam shut]

RAMU: Vij, I can't go in there.

VIJAY: What the fuck are you talking about?

RAMU: I know you love it. The clothes and everything but it's not real. I can't do this anymore.

VIJAY: You're serious. But, Ram, you've made it. You're a star.

RAMU: I don't care.

VIJAY: Of course you do. Remember, yaar, we came here with nothing. And look at us now. You've made it for all of us. Think about your family, how proud they'll be. Come on, yaar.

MAN: Hey, is that him?

WOMAN 1: Oh, it's him.

WOMAN 2: It's a guru.

VIJAY: Right this way.

PEACHES: Okay, I'm your cousin Kimberly. I'm a librarian, and I have five children, all boys. I like that part. And, I live in Utica.

SHARRONA: Ithaca. You live in Ithaca. And you run a Head Start program there.

PEACHES: Okay. Head. Head. Head, I can remember that.

SHARRONA: I'm cutting the cake, not jumping out of it.

PEACHES: Okay, okay.

SHARRONA: [Sharrona starts sobbing]

PEACHES: Oh honey, what's wrong? Why are you crying?

SHARRONA: [Sobs] I don't know.

PEACHES: Oh, honey.

SHARRONA: [Sobs]: They're just tears of joy or something.

PEACHES: Oh honey, no. No, the makeup.

WALDO: Waldo Hernandez.

MRS. MCGEE: Waldo. And what do you do?

WALDO: I'm in the meat-packing industry.

GIRLFRIEND: Hi.

CAMERAMAN: Pretend I'm not here.

MRS. MCGEE: Marsha!

SALLY: And now I'm happy to introduce a true phenomenon, the Guru of Sex, Ramu Gupta.

[Applause]

SALLY: Ramu Gupta will be taking calls, and he will be talking about, well, what he talks about, sexual intercourse.

MIRA: Mama! Ramu's on Sally Jessy Raphael.

RAMU: Well, first I'd just like to say hi to my family. Hi, Nanima.

NANIMA: Oh, he said hi to me.

MRS. GUPTA: What's he doing?

NANIMA: He's talking about sexual intercourse.

MRS. GUPTA: What?

EDWIN: Candy, make sure everything is in tiptop shape.

CHANTAL: Oh, yes. Mrs. Von Austerberg is very demanding.

EDWIN: Yes, I know. So am I.

SALLY: Welcome back. The Guru of Sex Ramu Gupta.

EDWIN: Look, it's our guru.

SALLY: Our next question is from ...

MAN: John.

JOHN: Guru, my problem is that the only way I've been able to get a woman is on the computer.

RAMU: Well, John, don't limit yourself. Maybe sometimes on the computer, other times on the bed. Don't be afraid to try new things, huh?

SALLY: Next, we have a caller from Alaska. Go ahead, caller.

RUSTY: Yes, hi, uh. I'm supposed to get married.

RAMU: Congratulations.

RUSTY: Yeah, but the problem is the girl I'm marrying. She's awesome, but I don't really love her.

RAMU: Does your fiancee know how you feel?

RUSTY: No, she has no idea. And I know it would kill her.

RAMU: Well, Alaska ...

MR. MCGEE: Come on, son, let's move it!

RAMU: ... the best advice I can give you is to move your feet to the beat of your heart.

RUSTY: But my heart beats for the second hoseman on my truck.

RAMU: Then you must go to the hoseman, Alaska. You must go to the hoseman.

ALEXANDRA: He doesn't seem himself.

VIJAY: I feel sorry for the girl marrying the homo.

SALLY: Uh, it's quite a responsibility being a spiritual guru, isn't it?

RAMU: Yeah, it is. But there is something I have to say. I am not a guru.

AUDIENCE: What!

VIJAY: There goes the book deal.

RAMU: All I've ever done is to teach dance.

SALLY: What?

RAMU: I tried to act. I came to America to be in movies and well, to be on TV. But I'm a fake.

[Tender instrumental music]

RAMU: I have betrayed you all and I am sorry, I have to go.

ALEXANDRA: All your wisdom ...

RAMU: It was just an act.

ALEXANDRA: But, I gave up all my stuff.

RAMU: I am sorry. I'm a fake.

ALEXANDRA: But what does that make me? I now have all these ideas, and they came from me not from Vanity Fair or my mother. How can you say that's fake?

RAMU: It's not. No, I didn't change you. The guru you saw in me was the guru in you.

ALEXANDRA: In your lie I found my truth.

[Tender instrumental music]

RAMU: Come on, Vij.

[Uplifting instrumental music]

CHANTAL: That's our Lexi.

[Studio audience applauds]

VIJAY: What are we doing? Where are we going?

RAMU: To get the woman I love.

[Adventurous instrumental music]

RAMU: Hey, can you get to the Bronx in 15 minutes?

VIJAY: I'm a cab driver. I can get to Bombay in 15 minutes.

[Rock 'n' roll song]

[Organ plays wedding song]

DWAIN: I am so proud of you. This whole thing has made me want to go back to documentaries.

[Rock 'n' roll song]

VIJAY: She's marrying someone else. You can't just interrupt a wedding and take the bride.

RAMU: Sure I can. Haven't you seen any American movies? It happens here all the time. About fucking time, man.

VIJAY: Don't speak to me like that.

RAMU: Come on.

VIJAY: Just don't forget, I'm the one doing you a favor.

RAMU: Yeah, right.

FATHER FLANAGAN: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God to witness the sacrament of marriage.

VIJAY: It was your stupid idea.

RAMU: Vij, you're a real bastard.

SHARRONA: Rammy.

RUSTY: Is that your plumber?

VIJAY: Carry on.

FATHER FLANAGAN: Thank you.

FATHER FLANAGAN: ... should not be joined together in holy matrimony speak now or forever hold your peace.

RAMU & RANDY: I do.

RUSTY: Randy.

DWAIN: Who are they? The new Village People?

RANDY: You first.

RAMU: You first.

RANDY: No, you first.

RAMU: No, you first.

RANDY: Hey. I insist.

VIJAY: Come on, man.

FATHER FLANAGAN: If you please, I am trying to conduct a wedding ceremony here.

RAMY: But I thought you said we could speak now.

FATHER FLANAGAN: It was merely an expression as in "get lost." Please leave.

RAMU: I can't leave. Because if I leave, I leave everything that matters to me. Sharrona, you have taught me so much about so many things, but right now I know something you don't.

[Tender instrumental music]

RAMU: This is just a dream. And maybe you've had it for so long you think it has to become real but it doesn't. We live, and life brings us new dreams. Better ones. Ones that come from the heart, and not from the mind. Dreams that you cannot predict, like you.

RAMU: That is why I cannot leave, because my heart beats for that lady up there. And I am not leaving here until I find out if her heart beats for me.

FATHER FLANAGAN: Well, Sherri?

SHARRONA: Yes, my heart beats for you.

DWAIN: That's the Indian fella couldn't get it up.

CAMERAMAN: I thought you said he was Native American.

DWAIN: Yeah.

FATHER FLANAGAN: And you, young man. Why are you here?

RANDY: I agree with him.

FATHER FLANAGAN: Well, proceed. I'm not paid by the hour.

RANDY: Rusty. My heart beats for Rusty.

MRS. MCGEE: [Mrs. McGee gasps]

DWAIN: That's good. Get that.

CAMERAMAN: I'm on it.

DWAIN: Good angle for her.

FATHER FLANAGAN: Russell, we always knew you swam upstream.

MR. MCGEE: Amen.

RANDY: Come here, baby.

[Joyous instrumental music]

DWAIN: There's a market for this.

CAMERAMAN: Yeah.

RANDY: My little firebug.

GUEST: There you go, ma'am.

MR. MCGEE: Peg, get over it.

MR. FLANAGAN: Well, enough of this swapping of spit. Let's celebrate!

CONGREGATION: Yeah!

[Joyous electronic music]

Joyous Hindi dance song]

THE END

Return to Table of Contents