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Chapter 3
The meal smelled good and tasted good but halfway through,
Rybys Rommey excused herself and made her way unsteadily
from the central matrix of the dome -- his dome -- into the bathroom, He tried not to listen; he arranged it with his percept system not to hear and with his cognition not to know. In the
bathroom the girl. violently sick, cried out and he gritted his teeth
and pushed his plate away and then all at once he got up and set
in motion his in-dome audio system; he played an early album of
the Fox.
Come again!
Sweet love doth now invite
Thy graces, that refrain
To do me due delight ...
"Do you by any chance have some milk?" Rybys said, standing at the bathroom door, her face pale.
Silently, he got her a glass of milk, or what passed for milk on
their planet.
"I have anti-emetics," Rybys said as she held the glass of
milk. "but I didn't remember to bring any with me. They're back
at my dome."
"I could get them for you," he said.
"You know what M.E.D. told me?" she said, her voice heavy
with indignation. "They said that this chemotherapy won't make
my hair fall out but already it's coming out in --"
"Okay," he interrupted.
"'Okay'?"
"I'm sorry," he said.
Rybys said, "This is upsetting you. The meal is spoiled and
you're -- I don't know what. If I'd remembered to bring my anti-emetics I'd be able to keep from --" She became silent. "Next
time I'll bring them. I promise. This is one of the few albums of
the Fox that I like. She was really good then, don't you think?"
"Yes," he said tightly.
"Linda Box," Rybys said.
"What?" he said.
"Linda the box. That's what my sister and I used to call her."
She tried to smile.
He said, "Please go back to your dome."
"Oh," she said. "Well --" She smoothed her hair, her hand
shaking. "Will you come with me? I don't think I can make it by
myself right now. I'm really weak. I really am sick."
He thought, You are taking me with you. That's what this is.
That is what is happening. You will not go alone; you will take
my spirit with you. And you know. You know it as well as you
know the name of the medication you are taking, and you hate
me as you hate the medication, as you hate M.E.D. and your
illness; it is all hate, for each and every thing under these two
suns. I know you. I understand you. I see what is coming, In fact
it has begun.
And, he thought, I don't blame you. But I will hang on to the
Fox; the Fox will outlast you. And so will I. You are not going to
shoot down the luminiferous ether which animates our souls.
I will hang onto the Fox and the Fox will hold me in her arms
and hang on to me. The two of us -- we can't be pried apart. I
have dozens of hours of the Fox on audio and video tape, and the
tapes are not just for me but for everyone. You think you can kill
that? he said to himself. It's been tried before. The power of the
weak, he thought, is an imperfect power; it loses in the end.
Hence its name. We call it weak for a reason.
"Sentimentality," Rybys said.
"Right," he said sardonically.
"Recycled at that."
"And mixed metaphors."
"Her lyrics?"
"What I'm thinking, When I get really angry I mix --"
"Let me tell you something," Rybys said. "One thing. If
I am
going to survive I can't be sentimental. I have to be very harsh.
If I've made you angry I'm sorry but that is how it is. It is my
life. Someday you may be in the spot I am in and then you'll
know. Wait for that and then judge me. If it ever happens. Meanwhile this stuff you're playing on your in-dome audio system is
crap. It has to be crap, for me. Do you see? You can forget about
me; you can send me back to my dome, where I probably really
belong, but if you have anything to do with me --"
"Okay," he said, "I understand."
"Thank you. May I have some more milk? Turn down the
audio and we'll finish eating. Okay?"
Amazed, he said, "You're going to keep on trying to
--"
"All those creatures -- and species -- who gave up trying to eat
aren't with us anymore." She seated herself shakily, holding on
to the table.
"I admire you."
"No," she said, "I admire you. It's harder on you. I know."
"Death --" he began.
"This isn't death. You know what this is? In contrast to
what's coming out of your audio system? This is life. The milk,
please; I really need it."
As he got her more milk he said, "I guess you can't shoot
down ether. Luminiferous or otherwise."
"No," she agreed, "since it doesn't exist."
"How old are you?" he said.
"Twenty-seven."
"You emigrated voluntarily?"
Rybys said, "Who can say? I can't reconstruct my earlier
thinking, now, at this point in my life. Basically I felt there was a
spiritual component to emigrating. It was either emigrate or go
into the priesthood. I was raised Scientific Legate but --"
"The Party," Herb Asher said. He still thought of it by its old
name, the Communist Party.
"But in college I began to get involved in church work. I
made the decision. I chose God over the material universe."
"So you're Catholic."
"C.I.C., yes. You're using a term that's under ban. As I'm
sure you know."
"It makes no difference to me," Herb Asher said. "I have no
involvement with the Church."
"Maybe you'd like to borrow some C. S. Lewis."
"No thanks."
"This illness that I have," Rybys said, "is something that
made me wonder about --" She paused ...You have to experience everything in terms of the ultimate picture. As of itself my
illness would seem to be evil, but it serves a higher purpose we
can't see. Or can't see yet, anyhow."
"That's why I don't read C. S. Lewis," Herb Asher said.
She glanced at him dispassionately. "Is it true that the Clems
used to worship a pagan deity on this little hill?"
"Apparently so," he said. "Called Yah."
"Hallelujjah," Rybys said.
"What?" he said, startled.
"It means 'Praise ye Yah.' The Hebrew is Halleluyah."
"Yahweh, then."
"You never say that name. That's the sacred Tetragrammaton. Elohim, which is not plural but singular, means 'God,' and
then later on in the Bible the Divine Name appears with Adonay,
so you get 'Lord God.' You can choose between Elohim or
Adonay, or use both together but you can never say Yahweh."
"You just said it."
Rybys smiled. "So nobody's perfect. Kill me."
"Do you believe all that?"
"I'm just stating matters of fact." She gestured. "Historic
fact."
"But you do believe it. I mean, you believe in God."
"Yes."
"Did God will your M.S.?"
Hesitating, Rybys said slowly, "He permitted it. But I believe
he's healing me. There's something I have to learn and this way
I'll learn it."
"Couldn't he teach you some easier way?"
"Apparently not."
Herb Asher said, "Yah has been communicating with me."
"No, no; that's a mistake. Originally the Hebrews believed
that the pagan gods existed but were evil; later they realized that
the pagan gods didn't exist."
"My incoming signals and my tapes," Asher said.
"Are you serious?"
"Of course I am."
"There's a life form here besides the Clems?"
"There is where my dome is; yes. It's on the order of C.B.
interference, except that it's sentient. It's selective."
Rybys said, "Play me one of the tapes."
"Sure." Herb Asher walked over to his computer terminal
and began to punch keys. A moment later he had the correct tape
playing.
Silly wretch, let me rail
At a voyage that is blind.
Holy hopes do require
Your behind.
Rybys giggled. "I'm sorry," she said, laughing.
"Is that Yah
who did that? Not some wise guy on the mother ship or over on
Fomalhaut? I mean, it sounds exactly like the Fox. The tone, I
mean; not the words. The intonation. Somebody's playing a joke
on you, Herb. That isn't a deity. Maybe it's the Clems."
"I had one of them in here," Asher said sourly. "I think we
should have used nerve gas on them when we settled here originally. I thought you only encountered God after you die."
"God is God of history and of nations. Also of nature.
Originally Yahweh was probably a volcanic deity. But he periodically
enters history, the best example being when he intervened to
bring the Hebrew slaves out of Egypt and to the Promised Land.
They were shepherds and accustomed to freedom; it was terrible
for them to be making bricks. And the Pharaoh
had them gathering the straw as well and still being required to meet their quota
of bricks per day. It is an archetypal timeless situation, God
bringing men out of slavery and into freedom. Pharaoh represents
all tyrants at all times." Her voice was calm and reasonable;
Asher felt impressed.
"So you can encounter God while you're alive," he said.
"Under exceptional circumstances. Originally God and
Moses talked together as a man talks with his friend."
"What went wrong?"
"Wrong in what way?"
"Nobody hears God's voice anymore."
Rybys said, "You do."
"My audio and video systems do."
"That's better than nothing." She eyed him, "You don't
seem to enjoy it."
"It's interfering with my life."
She said, "So am I."
To that he could think of no response; it was true.
"What do you normally do all the time?" Rybys asked. "Lie
in your bunk listening to the Fox? The food man told me that; is it
true? That doesn't sound to me like much of a life."
Anger touched him, a weary anger. He was tired of defending
his life-style. So he said nothing.
"I think what I'll lend you first," Rybys said, "is C. S.
Lewis's The Problem of Pain. In that book he --"
"I read Out of the Silent Planet." Asher said.
"Did you like it?"
"It was OK."
Rybys said, "And you should read The Screwtape Letters. I
have two copies of that."
To himself, Asher thought, Can't I just watch you slowly die,
and learn about God from that? "Look," he said. "I am Scientific Legate. The Party. You understand? That's my decision;
that's the side I found. Pain and illness are something to be eradicated, not understood. There is no afterlife and there is no God,
except maybe a freak ionospheric disturbance that's fucking up
my equipment here on this dipshit mountain. If when I die I find
out I'm wrong I'll plead ignorance and a bad upbringing. Meanwhile I'm more interested in shielding my cables and eliminating
the interference than I am in talking back and forth with this Yah.
I have no goats to sacrifice and anyway I have other things to do.
I resent my Fox tapes being ruined; they are precious to me and
some of them I can't replace. Anyhow God doesn't insert such
phrases as 'your behind' in otherwise beautiful songs. Not any
god I can imagine."
Rybys said, "He's trying to get your attention."
"He would do better to say, 'Look, let's talk.'"
"This apparently is a furtive life form. It's not isomorphic
with us. It doesn't think the way we do."
"It's a pest."
Rybys said, pondering, "It may be modifying its manifestations to protect you."
"From what?"
"From it." Suddenly she shuddered wildly, in evident pain.
"Oh goddam it! My hair is falling out!" She got to her feet. "I
have to go back to my dome and put on that wig they gave me.
This is awful. Will you go with me? Please?"
He thought, I don't see how someone whose hair is falling out
can believe in God. "I can't," he said. "I just can't go with you.
I'm sorry. I don't have any portable air and I have to person my
equipment. It's the truth."
Gazing at him unhappily, Rybys nodded. Apparently she believed him. He felt a little guilty, but, more than that, he experienced overwhelming relief that she was leaving. The burden of
dealing with her would be off him, at least for a time. And perhaps
if he got lucky he could make the relief permanent. If he had any
prayer at all it was, I hope I never see her enter this dome again.
As long as she lives.
A pleased sense of relaxation stole over him as he watched
her suit up for the trip back to her dome. And he inquired of
himself which of his trove of Fox tapes he would play when
Rybys and her cruel verbal snipings had departed, and he would
be free again: free to be what he truly was, the connoisseur of the
undying lovely. The beauty and perfection toward which all
things moved: Linda Fox.
***
That night as he lay sleeping a voice said softly to him, "Herbert, Herbert."
He opened his eyes. "I'm not on standby," he said, thinking
it was the mother ship. "Dome Nine is active. Let me sleep."
"Look," the voice said.
He looked -- and saw that his control board, which governed
all his communications gear, was on fire. "Jesus Christ," he said,
and reached for the wall switch that would turn on the emergency fire
extinguisher. But then he realized something. Something perplexing.
Although the control board was burning, it was not consumed.
The fire dazzled him and burned his eyes. He shut his eyes
and put his arm over his face. "Who is it?" he said.
The voice said, "It is Ehyeh."
"Well," Herb Asher said, amazed. It was the deity of the
mountain, speaking to him openly, without an electronic interface. A strange sense of his own worthlessness overcame Herb
Asher, and he kept his face covered. "What do you want?" he
said. "I mean, it's late. This is my sleep cycle."
"Sleep no more," Yah said.
"I've had a hard day." He was frightened.
Yah said, "I command you to take care of the ailing girl. She
is all alone. If you do not hasten to her side I will burn down your
dome and all the equipment in it, as well as all you own besides.
I will scorch you with flame until you wake up. You are not
awake, Herbert, not yet, but I will cause you to be awake; I will
make you rise up from your bunk and go and help her. Later I
will tell her and you why, but now you are not to know."
"I don't think you have the right person," Asher said. "I
think you should be talking to M.E.D. It's their responsibility."
At that moment an acrid stench reached his nose. And, as he
watched in dismay, his control board burned down to the floor,
into a little pile of slag.
Shit, he thought.
"Were you to lie again to her about your portable air," Yah
said, "I would afflict you terribly, beyond repair, just as this
equipment is now beyond repair. Now I shall destroy your Linda
Fox tapes." Immediately the cabinet in which Herb Asher kept
his video and audio tapes began to burn.
"Please," he said.
The flames disappeared. The tapes were undamaged. Herb
Asher got up from his bunk and went over to the cabinet; reaching out his hand he touched the cabinet
-- and instantly yanked
his hand away; the cabinet was searingly hot.
"Touch it again," Yah said.
"I will not," Asher said.
"You will trust the Lord your God."
He reached out again and this time found the cabinet cold. So
he ran his fingers over the plastic boxes containing the tapes.
They, too, were cold. "Well, goodness," he said, at a loss.
"Play one of the tapes," Yah said.
"Which one?"
"Anyone."
He selected a tape at random and placed it into the deck. He
turned his audio system on.
The tape was blank.
"You erased my Fox tapes," he said.
"That is what I have done," Yah said.
"Forever?"
"Until you hasten to the side of the ailing girl and care for
her."
"Now? She's probably asleep."
Yah said, "She is sitting crying."
The sense of worthlessness within Herb Asher burgeoned; in
shame he shut his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said.
"It is not too late. If you hurry you can reach her in time."
"What do you mean, 'in time'?"
Yah did not answer, but in Herb Asher's mind appeared a
picture, resembling a hologram; it was in color and it was in
depth. Rybys Rommey sat at her kitchen table in a blue robe; on
the table was a bottle of medication and a glass of water. In
dejection she sat resting her chin on her fist; in her fist she
clutched a wadded-up handkerchief.
"I'll get my suit on," Asher said; he popped the suit
compartment door open, and his suit -- little used and long neglected -- tumbled out onto the floor.
Ten minutes later he stood outside his dome, in the bulky suit,
his lamp sweeping out over the expanse of frozen methane before
him; he trembled, feeling the cold even through the suit -- which
was a delusion, he realized, since the suit was absolutely insulating. What an experience, he said to himself as he started walking
down the slope. Roused out of my sleep in the middle of the
night, my equipment burned down, my tapes erased -- bulk
erased in their totality.
The methane crystals crunched under his boots as he walked
down the slope, homing in on the automatic signal emitted by
Rybys Rommey's dome; the signal would guide him. Pictures
inside my head, he thought. Pictures of a girl about to take her
own life. It's a good thing Yah woke me. She probably would ave done it.
He was still frightened, and as he descended the slope he sang
to himself an old Communist Party marching song.
Because he fought for freedom
He was forced to leave his home.
Near the blood-stained Manzanares,
Where he led the fight to hold Madrid,
Died Hans, the Commissar,
Died Hans, the Commissar.
With heart and hand I pledge you,
While I load my gun again,
You will never be forgotten,
Nor the enemy forgiven,
Hans Beimler, our Commissar,
Hans Beimler, our Commissar.
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