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by Charles Carreon
03/08/08
Well, the Decider has decided to keep all
our options on the table, and I for one have no problem with it.
Waterboarding is, by all accounts, nothing more than scary, and that
could be said of roller coasters. Frankly, I'd confess to just about
anything to avoid being put through a second trip on one of these
seriously scary "thrill rides" that people call fun. The people who
design those rides are sadists, and the people who pay to ride them are
masochists. I say build a roller coaster in Gitmo and when they refuse
to confess, just put 'em through the loop de loop one more time. You'll
have them accusing their grandmothers of being infidels before another day
goes by.
On the other hand, we have hard cases.
Take Ben Bernanke for example. He just can't give it to us straight. He
leaks out the bad news like a used-up adult diaper. No, we aren't in a
recession -- the economy just has no points of strength. There is no
core inflation, everything just costs more. The Federal Reserve Bank
keeps dropping the rates to "fuel the economy," but most people's credit
card rates are firmly stuck to the ceiling, while banks can't find
anybody credit-worthy enough to deserve a loan. Student lenders are
getting out of the business because they just can't depend on the
government to send them hundreds of millions in un-needed subsidies any
more.
I say sterner measures are required. Put
Bernanke on the board, and I don't mean the board of directors. Strap
him to a board, put a towel over his face and start pouring. He will
merely experience a sensation like drowning, and will be none the worse
for wear. Then we'll tilt him up, let him get a gasp of air and demand
some straight answers: Where did all the money go? Is it in Iraq? Did
giving away pallet-loads of hundred dollar bills in Baghdad have a
negative effect on the economy? Could the daily cost of the war possibly
be part of our economic bad news? Is the dollar going to plummet right
down to the depths of hell?
You've got to admit these are important
questions, to which we need the answers. Waterboarding has to be used in
those situations where, if we don't get the answers, thousands of people
will die. Well, I think we should use it when millions of people are
about to go broke. Some of them, after all, will inevitably go postal
and shoot their colleagues, fellow-students, and teachers. All because
we couldn't get a straight story from Ben, and our Treasury officials
were too squeamish to resort to lawful techniques that our Commander in
Chief has preserved for their use. Maybe they're holding back because
Bernanke hasn't been declared a terrorist or an enemy combatant, in
which case, that's one more reason to broaden the definition of
terrorism. 'Cause this economy has me scared sh*tless.
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